The Envelope!Jensen/Stamp!Jared Untitled Fic
Title: The Envelope!Jensen/Stamp!Jared Untitled Fic
Rating: PG? I mean, it's about an envelope and a stamp getting it on, so.
Warnings: Graphic depictions of stamp-on-envelope sex, second hand embarrassment, and Chad Michael Murray.
Summary: Jensen is an envelope, Jared is a stamp. Epic, star-crossed, doomed love ensues. Also, crack and way more angst than the premise deserves.
A/N: Look, this is an AU where the CW kiddies are office supplies. Don't take it too seriously, and also forgive me for taking crack and making it srs bsns angst. Also, this was inspired by some hilarious prompts over on aldehyde 's page, so really I can't be blamed for this.
ALSO -- when I thought of "stamp" I thought of a rubber ink stamp, not a postage stamp. So keep that in mind for various stamp-anatomy musings or whatever.
Being an envelope in this day and age is actually a pretty sweet deal, in Jensen’s opinion.
Sure, the lack of mobility thing seemed like a total drag when he was younger, but that was really only because it meant he couldn’t get away from his grandfather whining about the good ole’ days of the Pony Express when everyone sent mail the old-fashioned way.
Now, people just don’t use envelopes anymore - except for that one time the internet went down for a whole week three years ago, which is when Kripke ended up using Granddad to send an inter-office memo. It was quite the scandal for a few days amongst all the other office supplies before people settled down and realized they were quite happier without him jabbering in their ear constantly.
So Jensen is content with his lot, as he spends his days gossiping with Danneel the stapler and Genevieve the pencil holder about Sera’s latest boy toy and whether or not both Kripke and Ben Edlund are actually crazy or just… weird.
But his peaceful existence is thrown off course when one day Rufus the rubber stamp just breaks with no warning and all the office supplies wake up the next morning to see Rufus replaced by a newer, sleeker, and much more attractive stamp who announces himself as Jared.
Misha the rubber band ball immediately makes a move on Jared - because he wouldn’t be Misha if he didn’t - and the fact that Jared laughs it off and doesn’t run away (figuratively) screaming in the other direction gives Jensen a little thought in the back of his envelope mind.
Jensen doesn’t say anything at all to Jared the first day, but he can’t sleep that night from the distraction of imagining Jared pushing on him hard, marking him with Jared’s design, and letting Jared’s ink run across his front and seep into his paper permanently.
It’s enough to make him blush when Jared starts talking to him the next day.
Even if it’s a little awkward at first (Jensen gets distracted and starts staring) they end up spending the entire day talking of anything and everything - from the manufacturing plant they were created in (both come from a OfficeMax in Texas, oddly enough) to the places they’ve been (Jared once went all the way to Canada after a shipping mistake) and wondering what it would be like to be human like the people they see all day long.
Every day after that they talk of whatever comes to mind, learning each other’s secret thoughts and random insights, and it gets to the point where one day when Adrianne the paper clip manages to divert Jared’s attention for a few minutes, Danneel and Genevieve immediately pounce (as much as a stapler and pencil holder are able to) on Jensen.
Danneel just giggles and says “Looks like somebody’s got a crush!” but Genevieve is even worse.
“You so want him to press hot, thick ink all over you, don’t you, loverboy?”
If Jensen had a head he would be thumping it on the desk right now, and he’s pretty sure that he is somehow managing to blush.
“I do not want his… his ink all over me, Genevieve!”
Genevieve and Danneel exchange sidelong glances and burst out laughing hard enough to attract all the other supplies’ attention.
“Are you guys making fun of Jensen for being flat again, guys? It’s not his fault he didn’t grow up to get a body as heart-stoppingly gorgeous and muscular as mine,” Jared calls out, looking at Jensen with a grin.
“You’re a stamp, dude. You don’t have any muscles,” Chad the white-out says.
“You are such a dick, Chad. And besides, you know you love my perfectly proportioned body.”
“Wrong. Although I wouldn’t say no to Adrianne’s perfectly proportioned body. What do you say, sweetheart? I can even erase the mistake in the morning.”
“It would take a lot more than just one thing of white-out to erase a mistake that big, Chad.” Adrianne gives him a big and innocent smile.
“So cruel! Women these days, eh?” Chad tries to get sympathy, but receives it from absolutely no one.
Jared’s attention is back on Jensen again now, so Genevieve and Danneel talk quietly together, all the while watching Jensen and Jared closely.
Jensen finds himself tracing the curves of Jared’s handle with his gaze, and it’s another sleepless night for him.
***
The thing about being in the same cubicle every day for the foreseeable future is that, well, everything pretty much stays the same.
Days pass with Jensen and Jared spending all their time together and Jensen falling deeper and deeper into what he thinks just might be love.
He desperately wants to tell Jared how he feels, but each time he goes to say something, he thinks of what might happen if Jared doesn’t feel the same way.
Now that he knows what life can be like with Jared by his side, he will never be able to go on if something were to happen that broke the friendship.
So each time, he pulls back and cracks a joke to cover his stammers.
And then, one day, they hear Kripke talking to Phil in the next cubicle about his mom and how much she loves getting letters because they seem so much more personal to her than all the emails she receives.
Jensen doesn’t think anything of it at first, only catching the tail end of the conversation due to his immersion in Jared’s hilarious spiel about how Post-Its are responsible for the decline of western civilization and never should have been invented in his opinion.
But then he hears with perfect clarity through all the chaos and hubbub of an office in the middle of the day, “Yeah, so I wrote her a letter today. Going to send it off now in a stamped envelope and everything, just like we used to.”
Jensen freezes, and he hears all the conversations among the other office supplies stop, too.
This- this is… the end.
Getting stamped, sent off, cruelly ripped open and then thrown into a garbage can to wallow with other discarded things until total destruction.
He always knew it would happen, that Kripke would write a letter eventually. He just thought he would have a little more time than this.
Jensen’s first thought is of Jared, and he turns to see Jared’s mouth open in shock, his eyes pinpointed on Jensen and conveying more sadness than Jensen even thought possible.
Kripke sits down in his chair then, and Jensen feels himself getting picked up and sat back down again in front of Kripke to await his fate.
He can just see Jared, Danneel, and Genevieve out of the corner of his eye.
Jensen does the only thing he can do anymore and mouths ‘goodbye’ to them. Then he looks square at Jared and says, “I love you. I’m sorry.”
He shuts his eyes as he feels the sharp point of Kripke’s pen named Alona scratching across his surface, and even she is visibly holding back tears, apologizing again and again for her part in what’s happening. He knows it’s not her fault, but it doesn’t stop the pain from coming.
Jensen gasps when a postage stamp named Ellen is placed on him, and he remembers then that he’s not the only one affected by this. She’s brave though, not even crying as she calls out goodbyes to everyone around the cubicle.
Jensen wishes he could be strong like her, but he just can’t, so he closes his eyes and tries not to think about Jared.
But then he realizes - Eric is going to use Jared to imprint his address on Jensen.
He opens his eyes to see Kripke inundating Jared’s stamp with deep black ink and its like time is moving in slow-motion.
Jensen meets Jared’s eyes as Kripke’s hand brings Jared near, and Jensen can hear him whisper, “I love you, too. I’m sorry.”
Jensen thinks about all that could have been, and he knows why they’re both sorry.
Then Jared presses hard onto him and it’s like Jensen’s awake for the first time, as if he’s alive like all the humans instead of just existing.
It feels like everything he and Jared talked about when they mused on being human.
And for that one moment in time, feeling Jared’s high ridges and deep grooves as intimately as if it were his own self, Jensen’s truly and perfectly happy.
He only wishes it weren’t so bittersweet.
When Kripke pulls Jared away Jensen doesn’t even have to look to see Jared’s mark on him. He can feel it on himself better than any visual could hope to convey.
Then Kripke picks Jensen up and starts to move away from the cubicle. Jensen locks eyes with Jared until he’s too far away to see him anymore and is surprised to find himself smiling, stuck in that one shining moment of perfect happiness that he got to share with the only stamp he’ll ever love.
It’ll have to be enough.
fin.
Rating: PG? I mean, it's about an envelope and a stamp getting it on, so.
Warnings: Graphic depictions of stamp-on-envelope sex, second hand embarrassment, and Chad Michael Murray.
Summary: Jensen is an envelope, Jared is a stamp. Epic, star-crossed, doomed love ensues. Also, crack and way more angst than the premise deserves.
A/N: Look, this is an AU where the CW kiddies are office supplies. Don't take it too seriously, and also forgive me for taking crack and making it srs bsns angst. Also, this was inspired by some hilarious prompts over on aldehyde 's page, so really I can't be blamed for this.
ALSO -- when I thought of "stamp" I thought of a rubber ink stamp, not a postage stamp. So keep that in mind for various stamp-anatomy musings or whatever.
Being an envelope in this day and age is actually a pretty sweet deal, in Jensen’s opinion.
Sure, the lack of mobility thing seemed like a total drag when he was younger, but that was really only because it meant he couldn’t get away from his grandfather whining about the good ole’ days of the Pony Express when everyone sent mail the old-fashioned way.
Now, people just don’t use envelopes anymore - except for that one time the internet went down for a whole week three years ago, which is when Kripke ended up using Granddad to send an inter-office memo. It was quite the scandal for a few days amongst all the other office supplies before people settled down and realized they were quite happier without him jabbering in their ear constantly.
So Jensen is content with his lot, as he spends his days gossiping with Danneel the stapler and Genevieve the pencil holder about Sera’s latest boy toy and whether or not both Kripke and Ben Edlund are actually crazy or just… weird.
But his peaceful existence is thrown off course when one day Rufus the rubber stamp just breaks with no warning and all the office supplies wake up the next morning to see Rufus replaced by a newer, sleeker, and much more attractive stamp who announces himself as Jared.
Misha the rubber band ball immediately makes a move on Jared - because he wouldn’t be Misha if he didn’t - and the fact that Jared laughs it off and doesn’t run away (figuratively) screaming in the other direction gives Jensen a little thought in the back of his envelope mind.
Jensen doesn’t say anything at all to Jared the first day, but he can’t sleep that night from the distraction of imagining Jared pushing on him hard, marking him with Jared’s design, and letting Jared’s ink run across his front and seep into his paper permanently.
It’s enough to make him blush when Jared starts talking to him the next day.
Even if it’s a little awkward at first (Jensen gets distracted and starts staring) they end up spending the entire day talking of anything and everything - from the manufacturing plant they were created in (both come from a OfficeMax in Texas, oddly enough) to the places they’ve been (Jared once went all the way to Canada after a shipping mistake) and wondering what it would be like to be human like the people they see all day long.
Every day after that they talk of whatever comes to mind, learning each other’s secret thoughts and random insights, and it gets to the point where one day when Adrianne the paper clip manages to divert Jared’s attention for a few minutes, Danneel and Genevieve immediately pounce (as much as a stapler and pencil holder are able to) on Jensen.
Danneel just giggles and says “Looks like somebody’s got a crush!” but Genevieve is even worse.
“You so want him to press hot, thick ink all over you, don’t you, loverboy?”
If Jensen had a head he would be thumping it on the desk right now, and he’s pretty sure that he is somehow managing to blush.
“I do not want his… his ink all over me, Genevieve!”
Genevieve and Danneel exchange sidelong glances and burst out laughing hard enough to attract all the other supplies’ attention.
“Are you guys making fun of Jensen for being flat again, guys? It’s not his fault he didn’t grow up to get a body as heart-stoppingly gorgeous and muscular as mine,” Jared calls out, looking at Jensen with a grin.
“You’re a stamp, dude. You don’t have any muscles,” Chad the white-out says.
“You are such a dick, Chad. And besides, you know you love my perfectly proportioned body.”
“Wrong. Although I wouldn’t say no to Adrianne’s perfectly proportioned body. What do you say, sweetheart? I can even erase the mistake in the morning.”
“It would take a lot more than just one thing of white-out to erase a mistake that big, Chad.” Adrianne gives him a big and innocent smile.
“So cruel! Women these days, eh?” Chad tries to get sympathy, but receives it from absolutely no one.
Jared’s attention is back on Jensen again now, so Genevieve and Danneel talk quietly together, all the while watching Jensen and Jared closely.
Jensen finds himself tracing the curves of Jared’s handle with his gaze, and it’s another sleepless night for him.
***
The thing about being in the same cubicle every day for the foreseeable future is that, well, everything pretty much stays the same.
Days pass with Jensen and Jared spending all their time together and Jensen falling deeper and deeper into what he thinks just might be love.
He desperately wants to tell Jared how he feels, but each time he goes to say something, he thinks of what might happen if Jared doesn’t feel the same way.
Now that he knows what life can be like with Jared by his side, he will never be able to go on if something were to happen that broke the friendship.
So each time, he pulls back and cracks a joke to cover his stammers.
And then, one day, they hear Kripke talking to Phil in the next cubicle about his mom and how much she loves getting letters because they seem so much more personal to her than all the emails she receives.
Jensen doesn’t think anything of it at first, only catching the tail end of the conversation due to his immersion in Jared’s hilarious spiel about how Post-Its are responsible for the decline of western civilization and never should have been invented in his opinion.
But then he hears with perfect clarity through all the chaos and hubbub of an office in the middle of the day, “Yeah, so I wrote her a letter today. Going to send it off now in a stamped envelope and everything, just like we used to.”
Jensen freezes, and he hears all the conversations among the other office supplies stop, too.
This- this is… the end.
Getting stamped, sent off, cruelly ripped open and then thrown into a garbage can to wallow with other discarded things until total destruction.
He always knew it would happen, that Kripke would write a letter eventually. He just thought he would have a little more time than this.
Jensen’s first thought is of Jared, and he turns to see Jared’s mouth open in shock, his eyes pinpointed on Jensen and conveying more sadness than Jensen even thought possible.
Kripke sits down in his chair then, and Jensen feels himself getting picked up and sat back down again in front of Kripke to await his fate.
He can just see Jared, Danneel, and Genevieve out of the corner of his eye.
Jensen does the only thing he can do anymore and mouths ‘goodbye’ to them. Then he looks square at Jared and says, “I love you. I’m sorry.”
He shuts his eyes as he feels the sharp point of Kripke’s pen named Alona scratching across his surface, and even she is visibly holding back tears, apologizing again and again for her part in what’s happening. He knows it’s not her fault, but it doesn’t stop the pain from coming.
Jensen gasps when a postage stamp named Ellen is placed on him, and he remembers then that he’s not the only one affected by this. She’s brave though, not even crying as she calls out goodbyes to everyone around the cubicle.
Jensen wishes he could be strong like her, but he just can’t, so he closes his eyes and tries not to think about Jared.
But then he realizes - Eric is going to use Jared to imprint his address on Jensen.
He opens his eyes to see Kripke inundating Jared’s stamp with deep black ink and its like time is moving in slow-motion.
Jensen meets Jared’s eyes as Kripke’s hand brings Jared near, and Jensen can hear him whisper, “I love you, too. I’m sorry.”
Jensen thinks about all that could have been, and he knows why they’re both sorry.
Then Jared presses hard onto him and it’s like Jensen’s awake for the first time, as if he’s alive like all the humans instead of just existing.
It feels like everything he and Jared talked about when they mused on being human.
And for that one moment in time, feeling Jared’s high ridges and deep grooves as intimately as if it were his own self, Jensen’s truly and perfectly happy.
He only wishes it weren’t so bittersweet.
When Kripke pulls Jared away Jensen doesn’t even have to look to see Jared’s mark on him. He can feel it on himself better than any visual could hope to convey.
Then Kripke picks Jensen up and starts to move away from the cubicle. Jensen locks eyes with Jared until he’s too far away to see him anymore and is surprised to find himself smiling, stuck in that one shining moment of perfect happiness that he got to share with the only stamp he’ll ever love.
It’ll have to be enough.
fin.