Year(s) in review
I've mentioned in my journal before that New Years is my favorite holiday because of its near-worldwide celebration of nostalgia and hope for the future. I take the holiday seriously, and use it as an opportunity to assess the past year of my life much as I might someday look back on my life from my deathbed. (Luckily my life has been filled with many years, as some years have been more regrettable than others).
Since it has been a few years since I've used livejournal regularly, I thought I'd take a few moments to make a general reflection of the last several years, in short.
Though I was still writing in my journal during the first two years after moving to Portland (2006-07), I feel like that move marked a new phase in my life that has recently ended. Reviewing the last several years therefore requires a quick review of those other years too.
I'm going to keep each year within its own paragraph for organizational purposes below, so I apologize if they appear as giant blocks of impenetrable text.
The year 2006 was mostly a regrettable year. It was a period of recovery and escape. It began as I was recovering from a horrible leg accident and was applying for the peace corps. Though I had completed the process of applying and had been accepted to teach English in sub-Saharan Africa, the process had a slight delay at the end due to medical clearance for my leg. This delay ultimately allowed me to get swept into a romantic idea: move to a new city with a girl I hardly knew, and to instead travel the world on my own or with said girl if it worked out. Being spontaneous as I am, I decided on this highly impractical choice instead of the peace corps. The relationship ended up being short-lived and very regrettable, but in some sense being alone in Portland is exactly where I needed to be. Looking back initially I thought skipping out on the peace corps was a bad idea, but over time I have come to accept that it was probably for the best. The rest of 2006 was getting settled, getting comfortable with myself again. It had been a long time since I had been.
Then came 2007, ripe for the picking. I started the year by taking a Eurail Pass alone across Europe. It was a significant trip for me, exactly what I needed. And I needed to do it alone. I came back from the trip comfortable with myself, energized, and open to life again after a long period of closure. I seized it. The year was spent engaged in intense social interactions, several highly meaningful love affairs, and the many activities that make Oregon summers so wonderful. I was satisfied in my job, the work I was doing, and the manic lifestyle that came with it. The summer of 2007 might have been the best summer of my life, and it was one of the most present periods of time I've ever spent (for those that know me, they know that I'm not good at just being in the present). This was the year that made Portland my home, and it's the year that will make Portland my home always.
2008 began with a trip to South America. It was a wild adventurous trip, filled with all the things adventures should be filled with-- with nothing but a backpack, and yes, lots of peril. I had taken the trip with my good friend Haley (of no romantic interest, just to be clear). But traveling with a friend through such grand adventures left me longing for a deeper connection to someone-- I was ready for deeper intimacy-- something I had not had in a long time romantically. I wanted to have my adventures, but I was ready to have them with a partner. I had not had a significant relationship since my second year in grad school in Houston many years before, and had several years of wild independence and emotional recovery to get used to the idea of a relationship again. My trip the year before to Europe had to be done alone, but this second trip in 2008 was missing something. I actually felt lonely, and after returning from South America this fact was very present for me. My friend Haley must have intuitively recognized it throughout our travels, because upon returning she set me up with a friend of hers-- a travel writer, no less. We hit it off immediately. The relationship burned very brightly throughout the course of the year. But there were other things not right with my life as the year carried out. As I've recently told you, my father was diagnosed with throat cancer and had died at the end of the year. I spent nearly the last 2 months back in California with family. I was also ready to move on with my life professionally, and I found myself in bad financial shape and tied to a set of circumstances that made me feel stuck. Witnessing the death of my father also left me with an acute understanding about the shortness of life, and so the practical reality of being stuck professionally and financially was a source of extreme angst at the time. The intense emotions, mostly of depression and destitution, combined with the long period of time spent away from my girlfriend at the end of the year, contributed to a disconnection.
2009 began dark enough. My romantic relationship came to a mutual end and I quit my job despite not having the finances to afford it. I went on unemployment and began writing, a lot. Not for personal sake, but to build a new profession. I owe a lot to my ex-girlfriend for her inspiration and guidance in learning the craft and business of blogging, which I started getting paid for. I worked hard to build a voice online and in social media, first through travel writing, political blogging and, eventually, science, environmental and nature writing. It led to a series of regular jobs that manifested into my current circumstance of living comfortably again in a location-independent profession-- which was a goal I set for myself. In sum, 2009 was a period of recovery for me. It was a year where I had to practice patience and to pull myself back up from nothing. My plan at the end of 2009 was to move at the start of 2010, and to stay on the move, since I was now location independent. That plan was interrupted only because I had fallen into another relationship. It was unexpected, as I wasn't looking for anything other than a short-lived fling to recover from my previous relationship when we met. It didn't have the same intensity, perhaps partly for the reason just stated, but it was healthy. Very healthy and simple, and easy. In the Fall we took an epic road trip together and really bonded. I didn't feel right leaving it behind at the end of the year, so I decided to postpone my moving plans to give this relationship the respect it deserved.
That brings us to this last year-- 2010. The year was mostly uneventful, mostly of my own fault since I bracketed the year from the onset merely for the sake of giving my relationship more time. It wasn't a good year or a bad year, it mostly just passed. One meaningful event: I did go on a 3-week long family vacation in the spring back to Europe: Italy, Greece, Croatia and Turkey. It was a fun trip, but it was a family trip-- seeing the cliche, touristy sites, etc. It wasn't taken as a traveler so much as a tourist. It was a fun way to pass the time instead of just waiting it out in Portland. I did have several days spent alone in Rome, however. Rome was a big part of my 2007 trip to Europe, so I was already pretty familiar with the city. The juxtaposition of wandering around the city like I was a traveler and having already had that experience in Rome several years prior, in a much more meaningful way, left me feeling anxious and displaced in time. My second time in Rome felt like reliving my first time, but this time as if I was a tourist touring my own previous experiences. It left me with a pungent realization that I wasn't currently moving anywhere; I was waiting, reminiscing. I came back from Rome even more anxious to depart for a new life. I had grown stale, and I knew it, and I had fostered it. I picked Hawaii and told my girlfriend that I was leaving with or without her. She decided to come with me. For the first month here, we lived in an off-the-grid solar-powered yurt. Now we have a very comfortable oceanfront condo and are spoiling ourselves with an endless summer, which tastes particularly sweet to a former Portlander.
Looking forward, I'm still in a period of anxiousness. Moving with my girlfriend meant that I didn't completely seize my freedom. I don't mean this in the sense that I desire to be promiscuous. Rather, I mean that our circumstances are different yet tied together nonetheless. I moved here for me, she didn't move here for herself-- she also moved here for me. Hawaii was just a stepping stone for me, it was the whole leap for her. I feel a sense of obligation still holding me back from jumping to the next stone as a result. I suspect that this struggle will be what defines the first half of 2011. I'm hoping the second half will be a story like nothing I can yet imagine.
That's what I'm dreaming of looking forward to. I'm otherwise very satisfied with my current place, and highly optimistic about the years to come.
This was very cathartic to recall and write for me. I wrote it quickly, so sorry it isn't filled with any clever metaphors or colorful language to make it more pleasurable to anyone who actually read through it all. I used to always receive complaints about my livejournal because it rarely mentioned any personal details of my life. Maybe this quells my critics.
By the way, for those eagerly awaiting my annual list of the best films of the year, I'm in the process of compiling it. I still have a handful of movies to see first. But this is a very deep year for film-- there are actually quite a few movies worth mention on the list. So if you're feeling dreary living in your cold mainland places, go see a movie! You have a decent chance of being inspired.
Since it has been a few years since I've used livejournal regularly, I thought I'd take a few moments to make a general reflection of the last several years, in short.
Though I was still writing in my journal during the first two years after moving to Portland (2006-07), I feel like that move marked a new phase in my life that has recently ended. Reviewing the last several years therefore requires a quick review of those other years too.
I'm going to keep each year within its own paragraph for organizational purposes below, so I apologize if they appear as giant blocks of impenetrable text.
The year 2006 was mostly a regrettable year. It was a period of recovery and escape. It began as I was recovering from a horrible leg accident and was applying for the peace corps. Though I had completed the process of applying and had been accepted to teach English in sub-Saharan Africa, the process had a slight delay at the end due to medical clearance for my leg. This delay ultimately allowed me to get swept into a romantic idea: move to a new city with a girl I hardly knew, and to instead travel the world on my own or with said girl if it worked out. Being spontaneous as I am, I decided on this highly impractical choice instead of the peace corps. The relationship ended up being short-lived and very regrettable, but in some sense being alone in Portland is exactly where I needed to be. Looking back initially I thought skipping out on the peace corps was a bad idea, but over time I have come to accept that it was probably for the best. The rest of 2006 was getting settled, getting comfortable with myself again. It had been a long time since I had been.
Then came 2007, ripe for the picking. I started the year by taking a Eurail Pass alone across Europe. It was a significant trip for me, exactly what I needed. And I needed to do it alone. I came back from the trip comfortable with myself, energized, and open to life again after a long period of closure. I seized it. The year was spent engaged in intense social interactions, several highly meaningful love affairs, and the many activities that make Oregon summers so wonderful. I was satisfied in my job, the work I was doing, and the manic lifestyle that came with it. The summer of 2007 might have been the best summer of my life, and it was one of the most present periods of time I've ever spent (for those that know me, they know that I'm not good at just being in the present). This was the year that made Portland my home, and it's the year that will make Portland my home always.
2008 began with a trip to South America. It was a wild adventurous trip, filled with all the things adventures should be filled with-- with nothing but a backpack, and yes, lots of peril. I had taken the trip with my good friend Haley (of no romantic interest, just to be clear). But traveling with a friend through such grand adventures left me longing for a deeper connection to someone-- I was ready for deeper intimacy-- something I had not had in a long time romantically. I wanted to have my adventures, but I was ready to have them with a partner. I had not had a significant relationship since my second year in grad school in Houston many years before, and had several years of wild independence and emotional recovery to get used to the idea of a relationship again. My trip the year before to Europe had to be done alone, but this second trip in 2008 was missing something. I actually felt lonely, and after returning from South America this fact was very present for me. My friend Haley must have intuitively recognized it throughout our travels, because upon returning she set me up with a friend of hers-- a travel writer, no less. We hit it off immediately. The relationship burned very brightly throughout the course of the year. But there were other things not right with my life as the year carried out. As I've recently told you, my father was diagnosed with throat cancer and had died at the end of the year. I spent nearly the last 2 months back in California with family. I was also ready to move on with my life professionally, and I found myself in bad financial shape and tied to a set of circumstances that made me feel stuck. Witnessing the death of my father also left me with an acute understanding about the shortness of life, and so the practical reality of being stuck professionally and financially was a source of extreme angst at the time. The intense emotions, mostly of depression and destitution, combined with the long period of time spent away from my girlfriend at the end of the year, contributed to a disconnection.
2009 began dark enough. My romantic relationship came to a mutual end and I quit my job despite not having the finances to afford it. I went on unemployment and began writing, a lot. Not for personal sake, but to build a new profession. I owe a lot to my ex-girlfriend for her inspiration and guidance in learning the craft and business of blogging, which I started getting paid for. I worked hard to build a voice online and in social media, first through travel writing, political blogging and, eventually, science, environmental and nature writing. It led to a series of regular jobs that manifested into my current circumstance of living comfortably again in a location-independent profession-- which was a goal I set for myself. In sum, 2009 was a period of recovery for me. It was a year where I had to practice patience and to pull myself back up from nothing. My plan at the end of 2009 was to move at the start of 2010, and to stay on the move, since I was now location independent. That plan was interrupted only because I had fallen into another relationship. It was unexpected, as I wasn't looking for anything other than a short-lived fling to recover from my previous relationship when we met. It didn't have the same intensity, perhaps partly for the reason just stated, but it was healthy. Very healthy and simple, and easy. In the Fall we took an epic road trip together and really bonded. I didn't feel right leaving it behind at the end of the year, so I decided to postpone my moving plans to give this relationship the respect it deserved.
That brings us to this last year-- 2010. The year was mostly uneventful, mostly of my own fault since I bracketed the year from the onset merely for the sake of giving my relationship more time. It wasn't a good year or a bad year, it mostly just passed. One meaningful event: I did go on a 3-week long family vacation in the spring back to Europe: Italy, Greece, Croatia and Turkey. It was a fun trip, but it was a family trip-- seeing the cliche, touristy sites, etc. It wasn't taken as a traveler so much as a tourist. It was a fun way to pass the time instead of just waiting it out in Portland. I did have several days spent alone in Rome, however. Rome was a big part of my 2007 trip to Europe, so I was already pretty familiar with the city. The juxtaposition of wandering around the city like I was a traveler and having already had that experience in Rome several years prior, in a much more meaningful way, left me feeling anxious and displaced in time. My second time in Rome felt like reliving my first time, but this time as if I was a tourist touring my own previous experiences. It left me with a pungent realization that I wasn't currently moving anywhere; I was waiting, reminiscing. I came back from Rome even more anxious to depart for a new life. I had grown stale, and I knew it, and I had fostered it. I picked Hawaii and told my girlfriend that I was leaving with or without her. She decided to come with me. For the first month here, we lived in an off-the-grid solar-powered yurt. Now we have a very comfortable oceanfront condo and are spoiling ourselves with an endless summer, which tastes particularly sweet to a former Portlander.
Looking forward, I'm still in a period of anxiousness. Moving with my girlfriend meant that I didn't completely seize my freedom. I don't mean this in the sense that I desire to be promiscuous. Rather, I mean that our circumstances are different yet tied together nonetheless. I moved here for me, she didn't move here for herself-- she also moved here for me. Hawaii was just a stepping stone for me, it was the whole leap for her. I feel a sense of obligation still holding me back from jumping to the next stone as a result. I suspect that this struggle will be what defines the first half of 2011. I'm hoping the second half will be a story like nothing I can yet imagine.
That's what I'm dreaming of looking forward to. I'm otherwise very satisfied with my current place, and highly optimistic about the years to come.
This was very cathartic to recall and write for me. I wrote it quickly, so sorry it isn't filled with any clever metaphors or colorful language to make it more pleasurable to anyone who actually read through it all. I used to always receive complaints about my livejournal because it rarely mentioned any personal details of my life. Maybe this quells my critics.
By the way, for those eagerly awaiting my annual list of the best films of the year, I'm in the process of compiling it. I still have a handful of movies to see first. But this is a very deep year for film-- there are actually quite a few movies worth mention on the list. So if you're feeling dreary living in your cold mainland places, go see a movie! You have a decent chance of being inspired.