So much for independence
Disclaimer: This isn't inspired by any particular person. Or perhaps it would be more apt to say that this was inspired by several people. And no hard feelings about the past. I was just mulling things over.
Let me introduce you to a new term: strong suit. Coined by the Landmark forum, it pertains to a certain characteristic or image that you project the most to other people. It also describes the way you get the things you want. Examples of strong suits are being the nice guy, being the conservative girl, being the perpetual center of attention, being the achiever, being the hard worker, being the perfectionist, being the fighter, and the list goes on.
I asked Cel what she thought my strong suit was, and she said it was independence. Apparently I had an image of getting whatever I wanted on my own and not needing other people too much.
But the other side of a strong suit's definition is that the more you project to other people that you're like this, the more you're actually the opposite.
"So I'm not as independent as I think I am?" I thought aloud. "That's okay. Alam ko naman yun eh."
I do have a lot of friends, but very few have (unintentionally) taught me to need them. I must admit it isn't an easy thing to do because as much as I can help it, I try not to develop any sort of dependence on other people. And lately I've started to realize that a huge reason behind this is that I am scared. Because once I let them in and give them a piece of me, they have all the power to fuck me up --and apparently it's very easy for a person to do so once I've granted him/her access. It has happened a good number of times before.
Thus the independence. That and the suspicion, inner conflict and deliberate self-control I try to employ whenever I feel that I am in the process of being tamed by another person. Because it is the worst feeling in the world to be tamed by someone who will just fuck you up and fail to take care of you altogether.
In such cases, I fantasize the most about showing the other person that I am doing perfectly great without him/her. Watch me as you would watch a star, burning brightly without you. But behind the facade is everything I wish I could still tell the person, everything I wish we could still do, and how I still prefer flickering warmth to cold, distant light.
That and the fact that I was undeniably hurt, because I depended on you more than I'd like to admit. Because congratulations, you successfully taught me to need you.
Of course eventually I get over it and learn to get by happily without the person, just like we all should in such cases. But the above will always be true, at least for a certain period in time.
Catherine
Let me introduce you to a new term: strong suit. Coined by the Landmark forum, it pertains to a certain characteristic or image that you project the most to other people. It also describes the way you get the things you want. Examples of strong suits are being the nice guy, being the conservative girl, being the perpetual center of attention, being the achiever, being the hard worker, being the perfectionist, being the fighter, and the list goes on.
I asked Cel what she thought my strong suit was, and she said it was independence. Apparently I had an image of getting whatever I wanted on my own and not needing other people too much.
But the other side of a strong suit's definition is that the more you project to other people that you're like this, the more you're actually the opposite.
"So I'm not as independent as I think I am?" I thought aloud. "That's okay. Alam ko naman yun eh."
I do have a lot of friends, but very few have (unintentionally) taught me to need them. I must admit it isn't an easy thing to do because as much as I can help it, I try not to develop any sort of dependence on other people. And lately I've started to realize that a huge reason behind this is that I am scared. Because once I let them in and give them a piece of me, they have all the power to fuck me up --and apparently it's very easy for a person to do so once I've granted him/her access. It has happened a good number of times before.
Thus the independence. That and the suspicion, inner conflict and deliberate self-control I try to employ whenever I feel that I am in the process of being tamed by another person. Because it is the worst feeling in the world to be tamed by someone who will just fuck you up and fail to take care of you altogether.
In such cases, I fantasize the most about showing the other person that I am doing perfectly great without him/her. Watch me as you would watch a star, burning brightly without you. But behind the facade is everything I wish I could still tell the person, everything I wish we could still do, and how I still prefer flickering warmth to cold, distant light.
That and the fact that I was undeniably hurt, because I depended on you more than I'd like to admit. Because congratulations, you successfully taught me to need you.
Of course eventually I get over it and learn to get by happily without the person, just like we all should in such cases. But the above will always be true, at least for a certain period in time.
Catherine