Cluster Fuck
The Jub Hunt went well...Too well, I'm Working now and have two Full-Time Jobs that I'm being considered for...The Thing is...One of them is with my Uncle who sounded like he was really looking forward to me working with him...But I Might not be guaranteed 40 hours a week there, But with Pepsi..I Would, Why wouldn't one of these places have contacted me a week ago..Instead of all three of them at the same time...On top of things, I Have my Interview at Pepsi Yesterday...I was on the Interstate, Almost there..And my Car Brokedown, It was just the alternator and it was a quick fix once I got it off of the road...But the walk back to a Pay Phone in 9 Degree weather, Without a frickin' Jacket was brutal...And on top of that I had gotten on a few hours of sleep the night before (By Choice..And I'd have it no other way, I Spent that time with my baby *Grin* ) And had worked* at UPS that Morning...And then went and worked a couple of hours with my Uncle to get a feel for it...So it had already been a long day..And the Car Breaking down and having to reschedule with Pepsi..Walking to the phone and getting my Dad to come out with a Trailer and bring my car back to the house...Made me just want to curl up into a ball and die when I got home. And the worse thing about this all..Is that for the past 3 months Joycelin and I have been very very spoiled with the team we've had together because I wasn't working...And now that I am, And I'm working a funky 3rd shift none the less...I Just want to work and sleep around her schedule so that we can still spend that time together, she makes me more happy then I've ever been and I don't want to sacrifice a second of that, for anything....Eck....I Started to make this post after reading her last one, And I can't begin to explain how powerless I feel when she gets into that Destructive mode, For a few hours she becomes another person..A Person I Love with all my heart still...But a Person that scares me as well, I Want to be able to help her...But she has to be willing to help herself..And I Don't know if she has the drive to help herself, On the rare occasions that she does feel this way (Or the rare occasion when she tells me she does) I Hurt so badly...She'll talk about doing destructive things, Or that one god awful time where she actually did it while I was on the phone with her...I Love her to death, But I just want to help her...To help her find another way to deal with the pain, I Feel like I'm not doing my job as a Fiancee...I Don't know...Right now I'm not feeling too hot, I've got a couple of hours before work and She'll be home from work in just a few minutes..I Feel like we haven't spoked in forever..When it's really only been a handful of hours, I Love her..And right now I really need her.