Fic: Hold My Silence (Chapter 18)
Title: Hold My Silence
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 18/20
Previous chapters, if you missed one
Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5 , Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8 , Ch 9, Ch 10, Ch 11 , Ch 11.5 (M), Ch 12, Ch 13, Ch 14, Ch 14.5 (M), Ch 15,
Ch 16, Ch 17
A/N: Hope ya'll like this one folks. I had to wrestle the plot monster to submission for it. It was incredibly tough to get going on, but I think it came out just as I envisioned. As always, thanks for reading and reviewing.
Chapter 18
It had started out so well. They were celebrating the victory. They had somehow managed to kill the herd of deinonychus that had taken over their area, and Connor and Abby were both riding a wave of adrenaline and triumph. They had both been sure that it was the right time. That this would be the night to finally take the next step, and Abby had been determined to make it the right time, regardless. She was going to follow through.
Connor was stood outside the little depression in the cliff face that housed the spring, staring up at the night sky. Abby watched him, at a loss for what she could say to mend the damage caused by their latest attempt to fully consummate their relationship. He hadn't said anything beyond the heartbreaking apology he'd uttered as soon as he saw the fear rising in her. He'd scrambled back and away, sheer terror written on his expressive face. Abby had been disappointed in them both and frustrated beyond reckoning; it seemed that every time she tried to take that final step, it proved to be too much for her.
What she'd wanted Connor to do was to give her a moment to collect herself, but he had overreacted violently, and that was more upsetting to her than anything else. She didn't know how she could ever hope to overcome this final hurdle if Connor wouldn't do his part to help. She'd told him to keep going until she stopped him, but it seemed as if it was too much to ask of him. She was furious with him, and she knew it was irrational and unfair, but that was how she felt about it.
She'd shouted at him. She'd told him stop saying he was sorry, the sick guilt on his face feeding her anger. He'd just nodded jerkily and left the cave. Abby was afraid she'd say something even more cruel or hurtful if she tried to talk to him about it, so she'd let it be. Connor had stayed outside the cave for hours, but when she saw him lie down as if he was planning to sleep outside, away from her and exposed to the chill night air, it served as the slap in the face she needed. One glimpse of his miserable face… seeing him suffering again because of her was the catalyst she needed to snap out of her self-indulgent temper tantrum.
"Connor. Come over here," she called out, her voice as gentle as she could make it.
As usual, he did as she asked, albeit reluctantly.
She patted the empty space beside her, "Lie down."
He tentatively took his customary position lying on his side behind her; after a moment's hesitation he put his arm around her and pulled her close.
"Are you still angry with me?" he asked softly.
Abby sighed. If she told him the truth, they'd likely be set back even farther, but she was determined to be honest.
"You are," he asserted as he began to pull away from her.
She held him to her, preventing his escape, "Let me explain."
He relaxed again after a few seconds, and she took his silence for acceptance. Abby took in a deep breath and exhaled, determined to give him… and herself… the truth.
"I'm angry with myself, and I'm angry that you were so quick to back off. I'm afraid we'll never get past this," she admitted.
She felt the tension in his body as her words registered. Connor's voice was low and tremulous with emotion when he broke the silence to speak, barely above a whisper, "Abby, I can't bear it when you get that look on your face. I can't. You don't know what it's like for me! To see you… scared. And to see you scared of me… after last time-"
"That was my fault, I told you," she argued.
He was silent for such a long time, and Connor was rarely at a loss for words… even if they'd not always come out the way he wanted them to.
Finally, she rolled over to face him, "I meant it when I said you needed to keep going until I told you to stop. You agreed," she reminded him.
He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded, "I know. I know I did. I just…" he sighed, opened his eyes again and studied her face, "Were you going to tell me to stop?"
Abby nodded, "Yes. But I think I might have been okay if I had a minute."
Connor shook his head, disagreeing, "You were terrified, Abby. I didn't think you were going to stop me this time. I saw you beginning to get frightened, but you didn't stop me. Then you froze… I could tell that you didn't even see me anymore. Abby… it felt wrong. I don't know what to do."
"I… I don't know," she sighed. She didn't realize how hard it was for him. Connor would do anything to protect her, and she was asking him to do the complete opposite in his eyes. She traced her hand over his cheek, "I'm sorry."
His larger hand closed over hers, he kissed her palm, "No. Don't be. I'm… I'll not…" he clenched his jaw and gave his head a quick shake, frustrated with himself.
He drew in a deep breath and she knew he was trying to say something important. She gave him the time he needed to sort it out.
"I'm in no rush, alright? The second you get uncomfortable, we should stop," he insisted.
She nodded. He was right… sort of. Mostly. She had gone beyond the point where she should have stopped him, but she would have. Probably. She could hardly blame him for not wanting to push, but she needed something from him in return. "Then don't back away," she added.
His jaw tightened, "Abby…"
She placed her fingers over his mouth, "No. I mean it. If I want you to move away, I'll tell you to."
"Okay," he agreed, but she could see that he didn't like it, nor did he understand why she was so insistent upon him agreeing to this.
She thought about how best to explain. Perhaps he would be better about acting of his own initiative if she was able to get him to understand it. As it was, there were still boundaries he'd not cross without a conscious confirmation from her, although the boundaries had gotten looser. He still left the ultimate control to her.
Connor being Connor, he needed to understand 'why' and she'd never really bothered to try to put it into words. She'd just told him to trust her to stop him and left it at that. It seemed there was more to this whole communication thing than she'd anticipated. She tried to formulate the words necessary to explain something that she had barely come to grips with herself.
Plainspoken was best, she figured, so she just plunged in, "I need you to push me. I will likely always have some… problems, but if you just keep at it, most times it fades. If you keep waiting and stopping every time I have a little bit of hesitation, I'll not ever get past it. I need you to trust me to stop if it's too much, but you stop before I have a chance to get there," she explained.
She could see the gears turning as he digested her words. He didn't like it; that much was obvious, but she could see he was working through her rationale.
He nodded, finally, "I understand, I think," he met her gaze, his face troubled, "I'll try."
She smiled sadly, "We both will."
Abby set up her work area near Connor, preparing fish to be smoked and dried. They had been steadily replenishing their supplies in the last couple of weeks since the threat of the deinonychus herd had been put behind them. The acrocanthosaurus had proved to be less of a problem for them than they had anticipated once the deinonychus were removed from the area. Abby thought it might be because it had been attracted to the area in the first place due to the heavy population of available prey… and now there was significantly less prey to be had. The large Theropod still wandered into the area on occasion, but he was big enough to be spotted from a distance, and one of them always stood watch.
Abby glanced over at Connor, curious as to his progress so far. He was attempting to tan a dinosaur hide, but he said he only had a vague idea on how to do so. It would consist of a lot of trial an error, but the thought of having an actual blanket or mattress was worth the effort. He had built a sturdy frame out of branches that he'd lashed together with sinew, and then he had stretched a hide taut across it. He was now hard at work scraping the flesh from the skin with one of the stone scrapers he'd knapped; it was messy and difficult, but a necessary step.
Connor had stripped off his customary layers of t-shirt, hoodie, and leather jacket and was working bare-chested, sweat dripping down his lean body, hair damp from effort. He seemed blissfully oblivious to the fact that Abby couldn't keep her eyes off of him. She couldn't help it, not when every pass of blade against the skin caused his muscles to stand out in stark relief. Not when he was wearing so little, and his body was fit enough to turn her into a melting puddle of goo at the sight of it.
She smiled as she worked, as content as she had been in a long time. He must have felt her eyes on him, because he paused to look at her questioningly. Abby licked her lips nervously as she met his dark inquisitive gaze. She wanted to talk to him, but she wasn't quite sure how to broach the subject, or if it was the right time.
"Everything alright?" he asked, concern clouding his features.
Abby smiled and shook her head, "Yeah, fine."
Connor nodded, but she could tell from the little crease between his eyes that he hadn't been convinced.
She smiled wider and let her eyes wander down his bare torso and back up to his face, "I was just admiring the view," she teased; she knew it would serve as a diversion from the conversation she'd abruptly decided she wasn't ready to have. Not then. Later. She'd bring it up later.
Connor blushed as she knew he would, but he also broke out into a pleased smile before he turned back to working the skin, "If ya fancy what ya see, I'd be happy to show you more a little later," he replied a beat later, his back still to her.
He was always braver when he'd not had to look her in the face. She laughed and shook her head at his cheekiness, but the fact of it was, she really wanted to take him up on the offer. She'd been thinking about it continuously the last few days, and she thought that just maybe she was ready to give it another go between them. Not just oral, but further… she wanted to make love with Connor, but every time she started to bring it up, her heart rose up to stick in her throat and her tongue tied. She resolutely applied herself to cleaning the fish, trying to distract herself.
They had tried to go further the night they'd killed the deinonychus, but it had not gone as either of them hoped. Abby had thought that it would be a perfect night to finally consummate their relationship, but she had frozen up at the key moment, Connor overreacted, and then she'd lost her temper, and the whole evening had been spoiled. No. Not entirely spoiled. They had both desperately needed to talk about what had happened, and they had.
They had gone very slow in the couple of weeks that had elapsed since, both of them afraid to make a wrong move. Connor had been true to his promise to try to keep going until she told him to stop, but she had felt compelled to stop much sooner than she had in the past. She was trying to convince him that she'd not let him do anything to her she was unwilling to accept, he was trying to convince her that he could do what she had asked of him, and the end result had been a lot of frustration on both their parts. Abby was sick to death of it. She was ready to put it behind them.
"Alright, Abby. You're staring again. What is it?" Connor asked, turning to face her with a grin.
"You are making an awful mess. Next time I think you need to do that farther away from the cave," she critiqued.
He considered the clean-up required and grimaced in acknowledgement, "Yeah. I'd not thought it would be quite this bad."
Abby made a noise of agreement, keeping her eyes resolutely on her fish.
"So after I get this part done, I wanted to go check the traps, and then perhaps go for a swim to wash all of this off, yeah?" Connor proposed.
"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great actually. A bit hot today," she agreed, smirking.
"Brilliant. I am about done, then I can put it to soak in the… ammonia, and we'll be off," he grinned, never catching her double entendre.
Sometimes he was still pretty clueless. Cute, though.
Abby wrinkled her nose at the thought of his homemade ammonia. Turns out that stale urine turned to ammonia if left to sit long enough. Connor's stomach had gotten considerably stronger since they'd first arrived in the Cretaceous. She couldn't imagine him ever doing something like tanning a hide before they'd been trapped here.
The falls had been relaxing, and she felt lovely and clean, but her mind was still troubled. She knew Connor wouldn't be put off for much longer, he knew that something was on her mind. She'd tried to act as if everything was normal whilst at the falls, but he knew her far too well for that.
She had decided she'd tell him. She'd tell him that tonight was it… she was ready to try again. Now she just had to figure out how. She hoped he'd not argue, but truth be told, she wasn't sure how he would react. She reached out and snagged his hand as they made their way back to the cave, smiling at him just to get a smile back. She'd get it sorted somehow.
They were stacking the gear in the back of the cave when the world tilted and shook. Abby screamed as she fell hard to the ground and the world plunged into darkness around her.
TBC
A/N: Don't hit me! Evil cliffy, I know. Sorry. Please comment?
Ah… getting close to the end. Very close.
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 18/20
Previous chapters, if you missed one
Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5 , Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8 , Ch 9, Ch 10, Ch 11 , Ch 11.5 (M), Ch 12, Ch 13, Ch 14, Ch 14.5 (M), Ch 15,
Ch 16, Ch 17
A/N: Hope ya'll like this one folks. I had to wrestle the plot monster to submission for it. It was incredibly tough to get going on, but I think it came out just as I envisioned. As always, thanks for reading and reviewing.
Chapter 18
It had started out so well. They were celebrating the victory. They had somehow managed to kill the herd of deinonychus that had taken over their area, and Connor and Abby were both riding a wave of adrenaline and triumph. They had both been sure that it was the right time. That this would be the night to finally take the next step, and Abby had been determined to make it the right time, regardless. She was going to follow through.
Connor was stood outside the little depression in the cliff face that housed the spring, staring up at the night sky. Abby watched him, at a loss for what she could say to mend the damage caused by their latest attempt to fully consummate their relationship. He hadn't said anything beyond the heartbreaking apology he'd uttered as soon as he saw the fear rising in her. He'd scrambled back and away, sheer terror written on his expressive face. Abby had been disappointed in them both and frustrated beyond reckoning; it seemed that every time she tried to take that final step, it proved to be too much for her.
What she'd wanted Connor to do was to give her a moment to collect herself, but he had overreacted violently, and that was more upsetting to her than anything else. She didn't know how she could ever hope to overcome this final hurdle if Connor wouldn't do his part to help. She'd told him to keep going until she stopped him, but it seemed as if it was too much to ask of him. She was furious with him, and she knew it was irrational and unfair, but that was how she felt about it.
She'd shouted at him. She'd told him stop saying he was sorry, the sick guilt on his face feeding her anger. He'd just nodded jerkily and left the cave. Abby was afraid she'd say something even more cruel or hurtful if she tried to talk to him about it, so she'd let it be. Connor had stayed outside the cave for hours, but when she saw him lie down as if he was planning to sleep outside, away from her and exposed to the chill night air, it served as the slap in the face she needed. One glimpse of his miserable face… seeing him suffering again because of her was the catalyst she needed to snap out of her self-indulgent temper tantrum.
"Connor. Come over here," she called out, her voice as gentle as she could make it.
As usual, he did as she asked, albeit reluctantly.
She patted the empty space beside her, "Lie down."
He tentatively took his customary position lying on his side behind her; after a moment's hesitation he put his arm around her and pulled her close.
"Are you still angry with me?" he asked softly.
Abby sighed. If she told him the truth, they'd likely be set back even farther, but she was determined to be honest.
"You are," he asserted as he began to pull away from her.
She held him to her, preventing his escape, "Let me explain."
He relaxed again after a few seconds, and she took his silence for acceptance. Abby took in a deep breath and exhaled, determined to give him… and herself… the truth.
"I'm angry with myself, and I'm angry that you were so quick to back off. I'm afraid we'll never get past this," she admitted.
She felt the tension in his body as her words registered. Connor's voice was low and tremulous with emotion when he broke the silence to speak, barely above a whisper, "Abby, I can't bear it when you get that look on your face. I can't. You don't know what it's like for me! To see you… scared. And to see you scared of me… after last time-"
"That was my fault, I told you," she argued.
He was silent for such a long time, and Connor was rarely at a loss for words… even if they'd not always come out the way he wanted them to.
Finally, she rolled over to face him, "I meant it when I said you needed to keep going until I told you to stop. You agreed," she reminded him.
He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded, "I know. I know I did. I just…" he sighed, opened his eyes again and studied her face, "Were you going to tell me to stop?"
Abby nodded, "Yes. But I think I might have been okay if I had a minute."
Connor shook his head, disagreeing, "You were terrified, Abby. I didn't think you were going to stop me this time. I saw you beginning to get frightened, but you didn't stop me. Then you froze… I could tell that you didn't even see me anymore. Abby… it felt wrong. I don't know what to do."
"I… I don't know," she sighed. She didn't realize how hard it was for him. Connor would do anything to protect her, and she was asking him to do the complete opposite in his eyes. She traced her hand over his cheek, "I'm sorry."
His larger hand closed over hers, he kissed her palm, "No. Don't be. I'm… I'll not…" he clenched his jaw and gave his head a quick shake, frustrated with himself.
He drew in a deep breath and she knew he was trying to say something important. She gave him the time he needed to sort it out.
"I'm in no rush, alright? The second you get uncomfortable, we should stop," he insisted.
She nodded. He was right… sort of. Mostly. She had gone beyond the point where she should have stopped him, but she would have. Probably. She could hardly blame him for not wanting to push, but she needed something from him in return. "Then don't back away," she added.
His jaw tightened, "Abby…"
She placed her fingers over his mouth, "No. I mean it. If I want you to move away, I'll tell you to."
"Okay," he agreed, but she could see that he didn't like it, nor did he understand why she was so insistent upon him agreeing to this.
She thought about how best to explain. Perhaps he would be better about acting of his own initiative if she was able to get him to understand it. As it was, there were still boundaries he'd not cross without a conscious confirmation from her, although the boundaries had gotten looser. He still left the ultimate control to her.
Connor being Connor, he needed to understand 'why' and she'd never really bothered to try to put it into words. She'd just told him to trust her to stop him and left it at that. It seemed there was more to this whole communication thing than she'd anticipated. She tried to formulate the words necessary to explain something that she had barely come to grips with herself.
Plainspoken was best, she figured, so she just plunged in, "I need you to push me. I will likely always have some… problems, but if you just keep at it, most times it fades. If you keep waiting and stopping every time I have a little bit of hesitation, I'll not ever get past it. I need you to trust me to stop if it's too much, but you stop before I have a chance to get there," she explained.
She could see the gears turning as he digested her words. He didn't like it; that much was obvious, but she could see he was working through her rationale.
He nodded, finally, "I understand, I think," he met her gaze, his face troubled, "I'll try."
She smiled sadly, "We both will."
Abby set up her work area near Connor, preparing fish to be smoked and dried. They had been steadily replenishing their supplies in the last couple of weeks since the threat of the deinonychus herd had been put behind them. The acrocanthosaurus had proved to be less of a problem for them than they had anticipated once the deinonychus were removed from the area. Abby thought it might be because it had been attracted to the area in the first place due to the heavy population of available prey… and now there was significantly less prey to be had. The large Theropod still wandered into the area on occasion, but he was big enough to be spotted from a distance, and one of them always stood watch.
Abby glanced over at Connor, curious as to his progress so far. He was attempting to tan a dinosaur hide, but he said he only had a vague idea on how to do so. It would consist of a lot of trial an error, but the thought of having an actual blanket or mattress was worth the effort. He had built a sturdy frame out of branches that he'd lashed together with sinew, and then he had stretched a hide taut across it. He was now hard at work scraping the flesh from the skin with one of the stone scrapers he'd knapped; it was messy and difficult, but a necessary step.
Connor had stripped off his customary layers of t-shirt, hoodie, and leather jacket and was working bare-chested, sweat dripping down his lean body, hair damp from effort. He seemed blissfully oblivious to the fact that Abby couldn't keep her eyes off of him. She couldn't help it, not when every pass of blade against the skin caused his muscles to stand out in stark relief. Not when he was wearing so little, and his body was fit enough to turn her into a melting puddle of goo at the sight of it.
She smiled as she worked, as content as she had been in a long time. He must have felt her eyes on him, because he paused to look at her questioningly. Abby licked her lips nervously as she met his dark inquisitive gaze. She wanted to talk to him, but she wasn't quite sure how to broach the subject, or if it was the right time.
"Everything alright?" he asked, concern clouding his features.
Abby smiled and shook her head, "Yeah, fine."
Connor nodded, but she could tell from the little crease between his eyes that he hadn't been convinced.
She smiled wider and let her eyes wander down his bare torso and back up to his face, "I was just admiring the view," she teased; she knew it would serve as a diversion from the conversation she'd abruptly decided she wasn't ready to have. Not then. Later. She'd bring it up later.
Connor blushed as she knew he would, but he also broke out into a pleased smile before he turned back to working the skin, "If ya fancy what ya see, I'd be happy to show you more a little later," he replied a beat later, his back still to her.
He was always braver when he'd not had to look her in the face. She laughed and shook her head at his cheekiness, but the fact of it was, she really wanted to take him up on the offer. She'd been thinking about it continuously the last few days, and she thought that just maybe she was ready to give it another go between them. Not just oral, but further… she wanted to make love with Connor, but every time she started to bring it up, her heart rose up to stick in her throat and her tongue tied. She resolutely applied herself to cleaning the fish, trying to distract herself.
They had tried to go further the night they'd killed the deinonychus, but it had not gone as either of them hoped. Abby had thought that it would be a perfect night to finally consummate their relationship, but she had frozen up at the key moment, Connor overreacted, and then she'd lost her temper, and the whole evening had been spoiled. No. Not entirely spoiled. They had both desperately needed to talk about what had happened, and they had.
They had gone very slow in the couple of weeks that had elapsed since, both of them afraid to make a wrong move. Connor had been true to his promise to try to keep going until she told him to stop, but she had felt compelled to stop much sooner than she had in the past. She was trying to convince him that she'd not let him do anything to her she was unwilling to accept, he was trying to convince her that he could do what she had asked of him, and the end result had been a lot of frustration on both their parts. Abby was sick to death of it. She was ready to put it behind them.
"Alright, Abby. You're staring again. What is it?" Connor asked, turning to face her with a grin.
"You are making an awful mess. Next time I think you need to do that farther away from the cave," she critiqued.
He considered the clean-up required and grimaced in acknowledgement, "Yeah. I'd not thought it would be quite this bad."
Abby made a noise of agreement, keeping her eyes resolutely on her fish.
"So after I get this part done, I wanted to go check the traps, and then perhaps go for a swim to wash all of this off, yeah?" Connor proposed.
"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great actually. A bit hot today," she agreed, smirking.
"Brilliant. I am about done, then I can put it to soak in the… ammonia, and we'll be off," he grinned, never catching her double entendre.
Sometimes he was still pretty clueless. Cute, though.
Abby wrinkled her nose at the thought of his homemade ammonia. Turns out that stale urine turned to ammonia if left to sit long enough. Connor's stomach had gotten considerably stronger since they'd first arrived in the Cretaceous. She couldn't imagine him ever doing something like tanning a hide before they'd been trapped here.
The falls had been relaxing, and she felt lovely and clean, but her mind was still troubled. She knew Connor wouldn't be put off for much longer, he knew that something was on her mind. She'd tried to act as if everything was normal whilst at the falls, but he knew her far too well for that.
She had decided she'd tell him. She'd tell him that tonight was it… she was ready to try again. Now she just had to figure out how. She hoped he'd not argue, but truth be told, she wasn't sure how he would react. She reached out and snagged his hand as they made their way back to the cave, smiling at him just to get a smile back. She'd get it sorted somehow.
They were stacking the gear in the back of the cave when the world tilted and shook. Abby screamed as she fell hard to the ground and the world plunged into darkness around her.
TBC
A/N: Don't hit me! Evil cliffy, I know. Sorry. Please comment?
Ah… getting close to the end. Very close.