(no subject)
I shouldn't be writing, or watching a movie, or eating a Caramilk bar. I should be sleeping, because I have an 8:00 class tomorrow morning. A class I have not done the readings (or even bought the textbook) for yet. But I'm restless with everything. I'm restless with my life right now, but I don't know what it needs. I feel boring and stale-- not necessarily in the way I'm living or what I do on a daily basis, but in the way I think. Something about the way I've changed since Sam & I have started dating is unsettling.
In taking on the role of the girlfriend-- especially since we moved to Kelowna-- I feel like I've given up being opinionated, or being interested in growing as a person. Sam & Jesse think I'm stupid, because I never try to argue with them and I believe their lies. They laugh when I defend myself, because I (clearly) am not even close to them physically, and all of a sudden I've woken up to realize that we're all okay with me being the stupid girl they can always guilt into cleaning or making dinner. I've become that girl who's always trying to make her boys happy, and who tries not to notice when they never do anything for her. My style has changed, I'm more passive, I start to feel guilty if I don't clean the living room or pick up something for dinner with my last $10. It looks like in the last 10 months I've become his
bird.
I'm demeaning myself!
How could I be happy with myself? I can't knowingly let myself get lost in this person I do not want to be. I feel stupid, like I have no more substance now that I'm a GIRLFRIEND.
But now I think maybe Sam likes me this way. I'm smaller than him, shouldn't he be smarter than me too? He did say he loved me, and I chose to believe him. What if I go back to my Led Zeppelin and my hemp and tell him if he wants to sleep with me, he'll have to come to my place? I'm so in love with Sam, and I don't want to change our relationship, but I want us both to like me!
I don't think I'll mention it to him, I will just focus more on myself for a while and possibly focus less on making Sam & Jesse happy. I'm going to make more hemp stuff. I'm going to wear it. I'm going to do more writing and go for more walks. I'm going to go to Value Village and remember that I am not at all glamorous. I'm going to STOP EATING MEAT again. I'm going to knit more, and get my guitar tuned again. I'm going to read my poetry again, and maybr work on writing my own. I'm going to find time for yoga. I'm going to like myself. I'm not going to be anybody's bird.
In taking on the role of the girlfriend-- especially since we moved to Kelowna-- I feel like I've given up being opinionated, or being interested in growing as a person. Sam & Jesse think I'm stupid, because I never try to argue with them and I believe their lies. They laugh when I defend myself, because I (clearly) am not even close to them physically, and all of a sudden I've woken up to realize that we're all okay with me being the stupid girl they can always guilt into cleaning or making dinner. I've become that girl who's always trying to make her boys happy, and who tries not to notice when they never do anything for her. My style has changed, I'm more passive, I start to feel guilty if I don't clean the living room or pick up something for dinner with my last $10. It looks like in the last 10 months I've become his
bird.
I'm demeaning myself!
How could I be happy with myself? I can't knowingly let myself get lost in this person I do not want to be. I feel stupid, like I have no more substance now that I'm a GIRLFRIEND.
But now I think maybe Sam likes me this way. I'm smaller than him, shouldn't he be smarter than me too? He did say he loved me, and I chose to believe him. What if I go back to my Led Zeppelin and my hemp and tell him if he wants to sleep with me, he'll have to come to my place? I'm so in love with Sam, and I don't want to change our relationship, but I want us both to like me!
I don't think I'll mention it to him, I will just focus more on myself for a while and possibly focus less on making Sam & Jesse happy. I'm going to make more hemp stuff. I'm going to wear it. I'm going to do more writing and go for more walks. I'm going to go to Value Village and remember that I am not at all glamorous. I'm going to STOP EATING MEAT again. I'm going to knit more, and get my guitar tuned again. I'm going to read my poetry again, and maybr work on writing my own. I'm going to find time for yoga. I'm going to like myself. I'm not going to be anybody's bird.