See you in another life.
Well, kids.
On Sunday I had a mental breakdown at Ponderosa. I couldn't stop shaking and crying. After trying to recover in the ladies' bathroom, I just... packed my shit and I left.
I lost my job.
When Tyler got home we had a talk and he decided that we aren't working out.
I lost my boyfriend.
It was fucking heartwrenching at first. However... I am okay.
The more I think about it the more I realize that Tyler and I did no good for each other. We may love each other, but we weren't doing anything or going anywhere. This fucking town hasn't done anything for me. Nobody needs to spend every fucking free evening on some guy's couch with a handful of joints and an Xbox.
Fuck that noise.
I'm going back home to Appleton.
I'm going to pretend like the last two years were practice. They were a learning experience. You know? I am slowly learning what I want and what I need and how to get those things.
I've spent time with quite a few of my Indiana friends so far. They know I'll miss them. It'll be okay though.
Stormi was exactly what I needed, though, I will say that much. She was the only one who didn't respond to my idea of moving back home with "Oh, I'll miss you, but I guess it's your choice, but you could stay for us." She said, "Do it. Get out now. Take care of yourself." We basically sat at a kitchen table and talked about how neither of us are like the boys that we've associated ourselves with. A lot of it was more novelty than anything, as harsh as that may sound. Sure, it's cute and fun to be a free spirited deadbeat, but when you have the kind of aspirations that we do... you can't hold on to that sort of thing.
After Stormi and I talked, I went back home and told Tyler that I love him and I will miss him but I completely accept that we were not meant to be. I decided we could stay friends. The idea hurt too much at first, but I really do care about him too much not to keep in contact. I need to know he's okay and I need to know that we can still talk. He's a good kid.
Later on, Trent and his new ladyfriend came and picked me up and we went out to Denny's for coffee. It was surprisingly nice and comfortable. Trent was really warm and sweet and comforting about the whole thing. We promised to keep in touch. It was good for me. He drove me back to Evansville with him and I spent the night at Danielle's, talking about my situation.
She was good. She wants me to move to Evansville instead and I just know that there is no way for that to happen. I love her, though, and I will miss her insanely. We spent the next day hanging around the tattoo shop, listening to Gogol Bordello and Frank Zappa and giggling at the same stupid shit we always giggle at. Mr. Kelsey Cain stopped by for a bit and later on took me to his place and then to his friend's house for some oldschool videogaming. It was a pretty excellent time. His buddies crack me up. My phone was completely dead so I wasn't sure how to get a hold of Danielle (time went by way too quickly with Kelsey) and I wound up just staying the night at Kelsey's. I tried to find a ride home all day, I just... got stuck. I am still trying to find a ride home today. Kelsey is in the bath. Heh.
Man. I am starting to do that thing where I write about ridiculously pointless bullshit.
I guess what I am trying to say is that my life in Vincennes fell apart, but it is an okay thing.
I already have plans for the night I get back in to Appleton (this Friday!). I have a date. Ridiculous, I know, but I think it might be good for me. It'll get my mind off of Vincennes. Besides, J. William Curtis is a beautiful man. He has a pretty face and a pretty head to put it on. He may have an ego of hilarious proportions, but I can't seem to argue with him. I just have to, you know, not let him interfere with the rest of my life and the things that I've come to realize are a billion times more important than boys. So, you know, I have to be careful. This one gives me butterflies, and butterflies can be dangerous.
Well.
If I can find a way BACK up here to Evansville tomorrow after packing, and a way back home again, I might be getting a going-away tattoo of a cute little monster on my upper left wrist. I hope so. I wants it. Bad.
And. You know.
I guess this is good-bye, Indiana.
I knew ye well,
and I sort of wish I didn't.
I swear to the stars,
I will burn this whole city down.