(no subject)
as i was sitting in my plush chair, listening to quite possibly one of the most beautiful arrangements ever, i almost wept, which is unusual for me, because i don't think i've cried in months. i get close sometimes, but something always seems to stop me.
i found my fifth grade yearbook today, and brought it with me to peet's. as i looked longingly at all the faces i was so familiar with, i just wish that i could be there again. it made me so lonely looking at these pictures of people i'd known so long ago, most people i've stopped talking to - memories filled my mind. there was a best friend that moved without telling me, a best friend that stabbed me in the back, my boyfriend who used to skateboard to my house everyday after school, kids that are now drug dealers, or in jail, people that i wish i could see now. then i saw his picture, in fifth grade i never talked to him because i was intimidated i suppose, but i've found myself thinking about him everyday lately. we were never really friends, although we knew each other for 5 years, but the short time that we were close, was one of the best times of my life. i never thought that someone so hard, could have such a soft middle. he showed so much of himself to me. and normally i wouldn't be attracted to someone of his nature, but there was just something about him, which made me feel like i was on top of the world.. when i was with him, everyone liked me. he's gone now, just as almost everyone is.
today was a good day though, a relaxing day. i didn't have much work to do, but my therapist told me to write down a list of little things that make me happy so that i could look at them when i was sad, and remember that there are things good in my life, and so i did that, and this is what i came up with : smiles, pats on the back/shoulder, kisses on the cheek, good conversation, peets, when people talk to me, the kindness of strangers, quiet, care free times with no stress, seeing arpy, not being hungry, cigarettes while driving, secret gardens, milk and coffee, when people REALLY know what you're saying because they feel the same way, riding shotgun, sodoku, familiarity, quirks, vandalism, garuda, alliterations, when things rhyme, bubblah sparxxx, buying things without being carded, nonchalant flirtations, when people say " hey youuuu" ( in that way ), jason - when he listens to me, anyone when they listen to me, good hair days, comfotable clothes, going shoeless, and good music/films.
it's not that i am lonely, in a sense where i long for company of the opposite sex, because i'm not the type to wish i had a boyfriend, it's more that i feel alone constantly, and that i am battling with two sides of myself : the sociable and the misanthropic. i just wan't to feel like i am not doing everything in vain ( this journal ), that i am doing something, that i am something, and not nothing, and do nothing.
i found my fifth grade yearbook today, and brought it with me to peet's. as i looked longingly at all the faces i was so familiar with, i just wish that i could be there again. it made me so lonely looking at these pictures of people i'd known so long ago, most people i've stopped talking to - memories filled my mind. there was a best friend that moved without telling me, a best friend that stabbed me in the back, my boyfriend who used to skateboard to my house everyday after school, kids that are now drug dealers, or in jail, people that i wish i could see now. then i saw his picture, in fifth grade i never talked to him because i was intimidated i suppose, but i've found myself thinking about him everyday lately. we were never really friends, although we knew each other for 5 years, but the short time that we were close, was one of the best times of my life. i never thought that someone so hard, could have such a soft middle. he showed so much of himself to me. and normally i wouldn't be attracted to someone of his nature, but there was just something about him, which made me feel like i was on top of the world.. when i was with him, everyone liked me. he's gone now, just as almost everyone is.
today was a good day though, a relaxing day. i didn't have much work to do, but my therapist told me to write down a list of little things that make me happy so that i could look at them when i was sad, and remember that there are things good in my life, and so i did that, and this is what i came up with : smiles, pats on the back/shoulder, kisses on the cheek, good conversation, peets, when people talk to me, the kindness of strangers, quiet, care free times with no stress, seeing arpy, not being hungry, cigarettes while driving, secret gardens, milk and coffee, when people REALLY know what you're saying because they feel the same way, riding shotgun, sodoku, familiarity, quirks, vandalism, garuda, alliterations, when things rhyme, bubblah sparxxx, buying things without being carded, nonchalant flirtations, when people say " hey youuuu" ( in that way ), jason - when he listens to me, anyone when they listen to me, good hair days, comfotable clothes, going shoeless, and good music/films.
it's not that i am lonely, in a sense where i long for company of the opposite sex, because i'm not the type to wish i had a boyfriend, it's more that i feel alone constantly, and that i am battling with two sides of myself : the sociable and the misanthropic. i just wan't to feel like i am not doing everything in vain ( this journal ), that i am doing something, that i am something, and not nothing, and do nothing.