Long time no see, LJ
Today I felt, quite possibly, the worst I've ever felt as a mother. G and I had gone upstairs for something, and we were getting ready to go back downstairs. I walked down the first couple steps, called G, and held out my arms and motioned for him to come, which is how we always go downstairs. Instead of coming to me, he laughed and ran into the bedroom, so I called him a couple more times and he would come close, then run away again. Finally I got sick of waiting, and yelled at him to come, and he still just stood there smiling and giggling, so I walked up and tried to grab his arm, but he pulled away to run into the bedroom again, still playing. I stepped over to him and smacked him on the upper arm, and yelled something to the effect of, "When I say come here, it means come here!" And for the first time ever, I saw in his eyes, when faced with his mama, fear. I've seen anger, tantrums, tears, hurt, sickness - some of them reactions to me, some of them reactions to others, which he turned to me to make better - but never has anything I've done made him look at me with fear before. And please, for the love of the gods, this is not an invitation for criticism or a red flag that I'm an abusive parent, because I'm not, so if that's what you were thinking, chill (now that I think about it, if I WERE an abusive parent, it wouldn't have taken 18 months for him to be scared because I got upset at him. But still.). I know, logically, that I'm a great mama who has flaws and less-than-stellar moments, like every mama ever, and that the fact that I had a bit of a meltdown doesn't make me a bad mama. It just means I'm human. But gods, does it make me FEEL like the scum of the earth. The second I saw the look in his big, sweet eyes I wanted to step in front of a train. I carried him downstairs and we snuggled on the couch while I cried and explained to him (pointlessly, because I know he doesn't understand yet) that there is nothing in the whole world I want more than to be a good mama to him. Nothing. And I try, so, so hard, but sometimes I fail. I have gotten much, MUCH better at dealing with my anger over the last year and a half - I don't lose my temper anywhere near as often as I used to, and I'm extremely proud of that. I've always been the most impatient, quick to get frustrated person I know, and going into this parenting business I knew that would be my biggest challenge. I've worked hard at it; I still am working hard at it, every day, but I know, rationally, that even people like Chris who don't even HAVE fuses lose it sometimes, and so will I, now and then. What I really need to figure out is how to stop crippling myself with guilt for days after, because that just makes me totally useless. Having someone who's been there to reassure me would surely help lighten the load, but there really isn't anybody around for that anymore, and that hurts, too.
Meanwhile: tonight G was walking across the living room on his tiptoes, which is one of his favorite things to do now, and I sing-singed, "Tiptoes!" and he reached down and grabbed his feeties!!! He's never identified his toes or feeties before, so Chris asked him again where his toes were and he did it again, twice! It was very exciting. :) He knows his nose, belly, eyes, and sometimes mouth. For some reason, he's always had trouble with his ears - I don't know if he's ever actually identified them. The little quirks like that are so interesting. Apparently today at speech therapy he said, "Woof," but I didn't hear it. Last Tuesday while we were there he said, "Moo," which was the awesomest thing EVER, because he waited until AFTER we were done playing with the toys and the therapist and I were just chatting, and he was still holding the little toy cow, and just out of nowhere goes, "MOO!" We were both like, "...what?" lol It was the cutest little thing ever, and he was all proud of himself and smiley. Today she mentioned that she knows there are lots more words in there and that he just doesn't want to use them, because when we had been playing with the animal puzzle and did dog he didn't say anything, then like three animals later said, "Woof!" (at which point I thought, "He did? I missed that part..."lol). Which totally doesn't surprise me, cause, as Chris said when I told him that, "He's just a little punk". lol Oh, the fun we're gonna have in a few years, dealing with that stubbornness...