(no subject)
So, Pennsylvania on Friday, which should be nice. Lovely escape, and either way, I'm out of Berea, which is a plus in itself. College starts officially the thirtieth, move-in day is supposedly the 26th, but I'm working my way out of that to go to the August retreat.
VAMPY is starting to seem so incredibly unfamiliar to me now. I know that's where I met most of the people reading this, and I love you all. When I came home after that one year, for a long time afterwards, that place felt like home. All of you guys were my family. And you still all are, of course, but it's different. Maybe being away for so long changes things. Maybe if I'd gotten that last year it would've at least seemed final, but as it is (as pathetically greedy and ungrateful as this sounds) I feel kind of cheated. All of the memories I had have drifted away now, they're all vague and blurred and fuzzy, and it's not enough at all to just live vicariously through other people. The jokes are new, the tears are new, the songs are new. It's all different from my own experiences, and all I get of it are stories that I can't ever possibly understand. Maybe I'm just "maturing" out of the obsession, but that seems so wrong. Maybe it's just pre-college nervousness, because I'm losing a lot of familiar things, and getting used to newer (and less familiar) things being home.
Is anyone else having issues like this? I feel like I don't know where my "home" is anymore. I used to be so sure about it, so sure that "if I were at VAMPY right now instead of my house, I'd be comfortable." I don't think that anymore though. Even the college, where I've been hanging around and taking classes for two years already, is revealing hidden things I'd never even known about. SAYF, which brought paralyzing fear and inferiority to begin with (and even as late as SAYMA in the summer) seems so comfortable now(and even did in the midst of that fear) in comparison to anything else. I think back to twirling around a pavilion instead of running through the fountain, and that's so strange to me.
I'm not complaining, really. Life is generally good right now. I'm happy, which is a big thing, if you know me. It's just so odd. It feels like everything I was really sure of is moving around. Sudden Feng Shui of my thoughts, and not the good kind. The kind you could use to cause someone's death by negative energy with (read Haunted, even though it sucks...yeah, I really just wanted to make a reference to that story).
Anyway, you know I love all of you very much, despite my routine trade-off between panic, annoyance, and giddiness. *affectionaffectionaffection*
Also, if anyone's reading this currently (yes, stalkers, this means you....crazy bastards...) that feels they should be added as a friend, please send a detailed letter explaining why, along with $20 in unmarked single bills. Actually just comment telling me who you are, and it'll be cool.
VAMPY is starting to seem so incredibly unfamiliar to me now. I know that's where I met most of the people reading this, and I love you all. When I came home after that one year, for a long time afterwards, that place felt like home. All of you guys were my family. And you still all are, of course, but it's different. Maybe being away for so long changes things. Maybe if I'd gotten that last year it would've at least seemed final, but as it is (as pathetically greedy and ungrateful as this sounds) I feel kind of cheated. All of the memories I had have drifted away now, they're all vague and blurred and fuzzy, and it's not enough at all to just live vicariously through other people. The jokes are new, the tears are new, the songs are new. It's all different from my own experiences, and all I get of it are stories that I can't ever possibly understand. Maybe I'm just "maturing" out of the obsession, but that seems so wrong. Maybe it's just pre-college nervousness, because I'm losing a lot of familiar things, and getting used to newer (and less familiar) things being home.
Is anyone else having issues like this? I feel like I don't know where my "home" is anymore. I used to be so sure about it, so sure that "if I were at VAMPY right now instead of my house, I'd be comfortable." I don't think that anymore though. Even the college, where I've been hanging around and taking classes for two years already, is revealing hidden things I'd never even known about. SAYF, which brought paralyzing fear and inferiority to begin with (and even as late as SAYMA in the summer) seems so comfortable now(and even did in the midst of that fear) in comparison to anything else. I think back to twirling around a pavilion instead of running through the fountain, and that's so strange to me.
I'm not complaining, really. Life is generally good right now. I'm happy, which is a big thing, if you know me. It's just so odd. It feels like everything I was really sure of is moving around. Sudden Feng Shui of my thoughts, and not the good kind. The kind you could use to cause someone's death by negative energy with (read Haunted, even though it sucks...yeah, I really just wanted to make a reference to that story).
Anyway, you know I love all of you very much, despite my routine trade-off between panic, annoyance, and giddiness. *affectionaffectionaffection*
Also, if anyone's reading this currently (yes, stalkers, this means you....crazy bastards...) that feels they should be added as a friend, please send a detailed letter explaining why, along with $20 in unmarked single bills. Actually just comment telling me who you are, and it'll be cool.