(no subject)
Its been so long since I woke up and was happy to open my eyes, looked forward to something. ssdd. I want something new, something pure but it seems like everything around me is toxic sometimes. Feeling like being awake is the real dream where everything starts to seem I dont even remember the right word...surreal. I try to believe I know what I want but as soon as it starts to change I fall apart. I've grown so reliant on the way things have become that I can no longer handle them being different. I would look as maine as the safe haven where I always wanted to visit, the place that was familiar and I would always have my family. When I went up to go to my aunts wedding at the end of september everything was horrible, it was like living at her house again, watching her fall apart but instead of always having that faith and love in her, that someday she would get better I finally gave up, hearing the cop on the phone explain how she was all over the road, completely trashed and finally crashing into some trees just destroyed that one piece of me that I always had. My love for my mom, through all her fuck ups and drunk bullshit she would put me and the rest of my "family" through, her stealing my college money, my car accident money, anything she could, I could always forgive her but when I went to say goodbye trying to put aside the horrible week it was like something had finally changed. The face of some drunk run down loser that didn't even love me staring at me with some despising look on her face...it just hurt, it didn't even make me angry, it just hurt. I keep trying to feel something, even when I finally do act like I have emotions it dissapears within seconds...the only time I can even manage to get angry, partially happy or even fucking cry is when I drink which is rare, and I'll start to cry or anything like that and 5 seconds later its over and I'm numb again. I'm just done with it. nevermind.