Fic: The Game Parlourmaids Play (complete, crack!fic)
I don't know how I can face you guys after this, this... *clutches hair wildly*
Title: THE GAME PARLORMAIDS PLAY
Author: Gloriana
Fandom: Eroica
Pairings: Dorian/Klaus
Rating: R
Warnings: total crack!!!, aphrodisiacs, humor?!
DISCLAIMER: Eroica Yori Ai-o Komete is not mine. No profits, monetary or otherwise, will be made from this fic.
SUMMARY: Detainment at a KGB encampment leads to a very merry chase.
This is all the fault of mosellegreen for her “Klaus von dem Eberbach: Seme or uke” essay and whizzy who wanted some comedy.
WWWW
Klaus von dem Eberbach gritted his teeth as he launched himself to the left. He cursed NATO, his Section Chief, KGB, Mischa, and Eroica alternately as he swung around the table again. Across from him, lazily smiling, eyes drug-glazed, the notorious thief was playing master-and-maid with evident glee.
The officer supposed that he should be glad he hadn’t woken up in a French maid outfit. He warily eyed his opponent and thought vengefully on how he would castrate one KGB operative with dull /serrated/ scissors for this humiliation.
“Oh, my dearest Major, there’s no need to pretend,” Eroica carolled, smoothly stalking the man. “I know exactly how much you want me, underneath all that anger.” The thief paused and hungrily licked his lips. “That ass of yours would finally be mine.”
The German shivered and did a quick sidestep. “Eroica, you shit! Wake the fuck up! You’re drugged out of your mind!”
“Hmmmm? And this matters to me why again, my love?” Klaus let out an undignified yelp as the Englishman suddenly charged towards him. Desperately, he threw himself over what had previously been a torture table and rolled to the far side. When he got back on his feet, panting furiously, he glowered at Eroica, who was pouting on the other side.
“It should fucking matter to you, you pervert! It’ll rot your brains in another four hours!”
The earl winked flirtatiously. “Thinking is overrated, dearest. Now come over here and give me a thrill.”
“I’m going to give you a beating if you don’t quit, you Flachwichser!” Klaus hurried out of the way just as Eroica launched himself over the table. He frantically crawled/stumbled away from the madman dogging him. Klaus gritted his teeth, feeling that hot gaze at his rear.
“My love, you really are an unparalleled sight in leather,” the thief sighed longingly. The German swallowed his curses and concentrated on scuttling away. “Now if you’d only wear leather shorts…”
“Nein!” Another volley of half-indecipherable German swear words echoed around the small torture chamber they were in.
“But, Klaus, darling…”
“Stay away from me!!!”
So how did this comedic tableau began? Well, it started when Klaus and his Alphabets had been assigned to locate a KGB scientists’ facility in an isolated hacienda in Spain, the property of a small-time drug kingpin. NATO immediately threw their favourite weapon into the fray, demanding that they investigate and secure the reported facility.
With his Alphabets and two squads in reserve, Klaus had planned a surprise raid. Instead, he had been the one surprised when he went into a restroom in a small restaurant close to the hacienda and came face-to-face with Mischa the Bear-Cub.
The German had been immediately thrown into one of the basement cells. Which apparently took decorating lessons from the Inquisition.
Five hours later, Mischa opened his cell door and tossed Eroica in. Klaus hadn’t been surprised, though he gritted his teeth to keep from railing at the unconscious man. Only the thief hadn’t stayed unconscious long enough after the effects of the KGB’s experimental drug came into play.
“Verdammt! Stay back there, you, you degenerate!” Klaus growled, his mind frantically racing. “This is not the time to play your deviant games!” He looked around frantically, hoping that something about their situation had changed since the last fifteen seconds. Nothing. The heavy iron doors were still locked, the earthen walls were still standing, the small barred window was still too far up, and the Englishman was still high on Mischa’s idea of a joke.
“Oooh, but this is the most perfect time, my love,” Eroica cooed, chuckling wickedly. Suddenly, he cat-leaped onto the table’s surface. The German froze, hypnotized by the naked, blazing want in those crystalline eyes. “We’ve been playing games ever since we met----and I do believe I’m greatly enjoying this one!” He launched himself at Klaus, who panickedly jumped the other way. Rather than hitting the stone wall as he’d hoped, Eroica tumbled gracefully back to his feet. Quick steps put the table right smack between them again.
“Eroica, look, this is not you,” Klaus tried to reason, breathing heavily. It had been over four hours since his companion had been thrown into the cell with him. Once Mischa had educated him on what had been done to the Englishman, the major had been furious and begrudgingly worried---it should have been him who was drugged, not a thief who didn’t know how to keep his nose out of NATO’s business!
Now he was glad that it had been Eroica who had been injected. God only knew what he might have accidentally revealed if it had been him!
Now both of them were captured, their fates in the hands of their semi-competent men, and Gloria was drugged to his gills with the KGB’s latest experiment: an aphrodisiac that supposedly caused its victims to suffer from hallucination and unfulfilled lust. Mischa had laughingly told Klaus that it was meant as a torture tool---both for the victim and the victim’s fellow captives. If not flushed from the system in time, the aphrodisiac could actually cause insanity (theoretically). Fortunately for Gloria, the more detrimental effects would not occur until eight hours after the initial dosage had passed. Unfortunately for the major, it was the other effect that he should have been more worried about!
Klaus yelled widely as he tripped. His heart thudded furiously as he heard Eroica’s gleeful laughter moments before the man landed on top of him. He bucked, trying to force the Englishman off, but Eroica straddled him, clamping strong thighs around his hips and capturing Klaus’ hands and pulling them over his head. Loud German invectives rang through the cell as the officer fought, but Eroica was having none of it.
The thief laid his heavy body fully on top of the Major’s. Their eyes met for one electric moment and Klaus could see something other than a glassiness in that blue gaze. “You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting this, Klaus,” Dorian whispered before their mouths met in a savage kiss.
The German felt as if he was drowning in that sensation. Emotions he had been suppressing for years snapped their restraints, and he surged into that kiss, trying to devour Gloria’s mouth. Eroica growled deep in his throat and both fought for dominance.
They were so into their heated embrace that both failed to notice the door swinging open. It wasn’t until Eroica let his mouth go to take deep, panting breaths that Klaus hazily saw the gaping Alphabets staring at them. At that, the Major regained his senses and with Herculean effort threw off Eroica. “Get this damned pervert off of me!” he shouted at them furiously. “Restrain him and take him to the hospital immediately! The KGB scum fed him some form of aphrodisiac.” He fought Eroica as the other man tried to struggle, mouthing sexually-explicit fantasies that made Klaus’ ears burn. It took five of the Alphabets before they could get the thief away from the German officer.
The German regained his feet. He didn’t look at Eroica or his men, concentrating instead on trying to futilely adjust and clean up the undershirt and black pants he wore. “Secure this site,” he ordered, looking over their shoulders. “I’m going back to our quarters to shower. Have Eroica sent immediately to the medics for detoxification.” No one met his eyes or said anything as he strode away.
But something made him look backwards. Eroica was staring at him hungrily and their eyes met for a single moment before Klaus jerked his gaze away.
He hoped that his face wasn’t as red as he feared.
Behind him, the thief’s mouth quirked into a feral smirk.
WWWW
A week later, Klaus looked up from his paperwork to see Eroica flamboyantly posing in the doorway. The other man looked hale and hearty in his flirty blue-and-gold tunic and tight-fitting jeans, eyes lively and twinkling. The German refused to acknowledge the skipping of his heart when he saw him.
“So I see the hospital finally kicked you out,” he growled, settling back in his chair and lighting a cigarette. “No rotting brains, eh?”
Dorian made a face. “What a vile image! No, I have been certified sane and clean of all drugs.” Too bad, those sultry eyes were saying. Klaus shivered. Far too many of his recent dreams featured a dominant, blue-eyed male.
“So in celebration of my good health, my love, I’ve decided to take you out for dinner!” The thief smiled warmly.
Klaus smirked. Like hell.
A finger wagged in his face. “Don’t think you’re getting away that easily, dear. Look what your darling Chief just gave me.” Eroica waved a thin interoffice envelope. “Now be a good boy and celebrate with me.”
He sat there stonily for several minutes before giving up. “Fine, you deviant,” he said, standing up. Klaus walked to where his trenchcoat was hanging and reached out for it. Since it was just after noon, the Alphabet Office was mostly deserted, except for Z and G, who were busy with their filing. He nodded to them.
Everyone jerked as a muffled yelp echoed in the room. Klaus had whirled around, back to the coat hanger, holding his trenchcoat protectively over him. Another hand was rubbing a suddenly-tender bottom. “You, you, you…” he sputtered, infuriatedly glowering at the wickedly-grinning culprit.
“What a delectable bum you have, dearest!” Eroica leaned forward, causing Klaus to huddle back instinctively. “I remember everything, my dearest Major,” the thief whispered into his ear, blowing against it. “You might as well surrender now.”
“Never!” The German threw himself to the side and hurried away, face red as delighted laughter followed him.
Oh yes, he and Mischa had an appointment and he was looking forward to it!
-fin-
Let me know how you likes...
Title: THE GAME PARLORMAIDS PLAY
Author: Gloriana
Fandom: Eroica
Pairings: Dorian/Klaus
Rating: R
Warnings: total crack!!!, aphrodisiacs, humor?!
DISCLAIMER: Eroica Yori Ai-o Komete is not mine. No profits, monetary or otherwise, will be made from this fic.
SUMMARY: Detainment at a KGB encampment leads to a very merry chase.
This is all the fault of mosellegreen for her “Klaus von dem Eberbach: Seme or uke” essay and whizzy who wanted some comedy.
WWWW
Klaus von dem Eberbach gritted his teeth as he launched himself to the left. He cursed NATO, his Section Chief, KGB, Mischa, and Eroica alternately as he swung around the table again. Across from him, lazily smiling, eyes drug-glazed, the notorious thief was playing master-and-maid with evident glee.
The officer supposed that he should be glad he hadn’t woken up in a French maid outfit. He warily eyed his opponent and thought vengefully on how he would castrate one KGB operative with dull /serrated/ scissors for this humiliation.
“Oh, my dearest Major, there’s no need to pretend,” Eroica carolled, smoothly stalking the man. “I know exactly how much you want me, underneath all that anger.” The thief paused and hungrily licked his lips. “That ass of yours would finally be mine.”
The German shivered and did a quick sidestep. “Eroica, you shit! Wake the fuck up! You’re drugged out of your mind!”
“Hmmmm? And this matters to me why again, my love?” Klaus let out an undignified yelp as the Englishman suddenly charged towards him. Desperately, he threw himself over what had previously been a torture table and rolled to the far side. When he got back on his feet, panting furiously, he glowered at Eroica, who was pouting on the other side.
“It should fucking matter to you, you pervert! It’ll rot your brains in another four hours!”
The earl winked flirtatiously. “Thinking is overrated, dearest. Now come over here and give me a thrill.”
“I’m going to give you a beating if you don’t quit, you Flachwichser!” Klaus hurried out of the way just as Eroica launched himself over the table. He frantically crawled/stumbled away from the madman dogging him. Klaus gritted his teeth, feeling that hot gaze at his rear.
“My love, you really are an unparalleled sight in leather,” the thief sighed longingly. The German swallowed his curses and concentrated on scuttling away. “Now if you’d only wear leather shorts…”
“Nein!” Another volley of half-indecipherable German swear words echoed around the small torture chamber they were in.
“But, Klaus, darling…”
“Stay away from me!!!”
So how did this comedic tableau began? Well, it started when Klaus and his Alphabets had been assigned to locate a KGB scientists’ facility in an isolated hacienda in Spain, the property of a small-time drug kingpin. NATO immediately threw their favourite weapon into the fray, demanding that they investigate and secure the reported facility.
With his Alphabets and two squads in reserve, Klaus had planned a surprise raid. Instead, he had been the one surprised when he went into a restroom in a small restaurant close to the hacienda and came face-to-face with Mischa the Bear-Cub.
The German had been immediately thrown into one of the basement cells. Which apparently took decorating lessons from the Inquisition.
Five hours later, Mischa opened his cell door and tossed Eroica in. Klaus hadn’t been surprised, though he gritted his teeth to keep from railing at the unconscious man. Only the thief hadn’t stayed unconscious long enough after the effects of the KGB’s experimental drug came into play.
“Verdammt! Stay back there, you, you degenerate!” Klaus growled, his mind frantically racing. “This is not the time to play your deviant games!” He looked around frantically, hoping that something about their situation had changed since the last fifteen seconds. Nothing. The heavy iron doors were still locked, the earthen walls were still standing, the small barred window was still too far up, and the Englishman was still high on Mischa’s idea of a joke.
“Oooh, but this is the most perfect time, my love,” Eroica cooed, chuckling wickedly. Suddenly, he cat-leaped onto the table’s surface. The German froze, hypnotized by the naked, blazing want in those crystalline eyes. “We’ve been playing games ever since we met----and I do believe I’m greatly enjoying this one!” He launched himself at Klaus, who panickedly jumped the other way. Rather than hitting the stone wall as he’d hoped, Eroica tumbled gracefully back to his feet. Quick steps put the table right smack between them again.
“Eroica, look, this is not you,” Klaus tried to reason, breathing heavily. It had been over four hours since his companion had been thrown into the cell with him. Once Mischa had educated him on what had been done to the Englishman, the major had been furious and begrudgingly worried---it should have been him who was drugged, not a thief who didn’t know how to keep his nose out of NATO’s business!
Now he was glad that it had been Eroica who had been injected. God only knew what he might have accidentally revealed if it had been him!
Now both of them were captured, their fates in the hands of their semi-competent men, and Gloria was drugged to his gills with the KGB’s latest experiment: an aphrodisiac that supposedly caused its victims to suffer from hallucination and unfulfilled lust. Mischa had laughingly told Klaus that it was meant as a torture tool---both for the victim and the victim’s fellow captives. If not flushed from the system in time, the aphrodisiac could actually cause insanity (theoretically). Fortunately for Gloria, the more detrimental effects would not occur until eight hours after the initial dosage had passed. Unfortunately for the major, it was the other effect that he should have been more worried about!
Klaus yelled widely as he tripped. His heart thudded furiously as he heard Eroica’s gleeful laughter moments before the man landed on top of him. He bucked, trying to force the Englishman off, but Eroica straddled him, clamping strong thighs around his hips and capturing Klaus’ hands and pulling them over his head. Loud German invectives rang through the cell as the officer fought, but Eroica was having none of it.
The thief laid his heavy body fully on top of the Major’s. Their eyes met for one electric moment and Klaus could see something other than a glassiness in that blue gaze. “You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting this, Klaus,” Dorian whispered before their mouths met in a savage kiss.
The German felt as if he was drowning in that sensation. Emotions he had been suppressing for years snapped their restraints, and he surged into that kiss, trying to devour Gloria’s mouth. Eroica growled deep in his throat and both fought for dominance.
They were so into their heated embrace that both failed to notice the door swinging open. It wasn’t until Eroica let his mouth go to take deep, panting breaths that Klaus hazily saw the gaping Alphabets staring at them. At that, the Major regained his senses and with Herculean effort threw off Eroica. “Get this damned pervert off of me!” he shouted at them furiously. “Restrain him and take him to the hospital immediately! The KGB scum fed him some form of aphrodisiac.” He fought Eroica as the other man tried to struggle, mouthing sexually-explicit fantasies that made Klaus’ ears burn. It took five of the Alphabets before they could get the thief away from the German officer.
The German regained his feet. He didn’t look at Eroica or his men, concentrating instead on trying to futilely adjust and clean up the undershirt and black pants he wore. “Secure this site,” he ordered, looking over their shoulders. “I’m going back to our quarters to shower. Have Eroica sent immediately to the medics for detoxification.” No one met his eyes or said anything as he strode away.
But something made him look backwards. Eroica was staring at him hungrily and their eyes met for a single moment before Klaus jerked his gaze away.
He hoped that his face wasn’t as red as he feared.
Behind him, the thief’s mouth quirked into a feral smirk.
WWWW
A week later, Klaus looked up from his paperwork to see Eroica flamboyantly posing in the doorway. The other man looked hale and hearty in his flirty blue-and-gold tunic and tight-fitting jeans, eyes lively and twinkling. The German refused to acknowledge the skipping of his heart when he saw him.
“So I see the hospital finally kicked you out,” he growled, settling back in his chair and lighting a cigarette. “No rotting brains, eh?”
Dorian made a face. “What a vile image! No, I have been certified sane and clean of all drugs.” Too bad, those sultry eyes were saying. Klaus shivered. Far too many of his recent dreams featured a dominant, blue-eyed male.
“So in celebration of my good health, my love, I’ve decided to take you out for dinner!” The thief smiled warmly.
Klaus smirked. Like hell.
A finger wagged in his face. “Don’t think you’re getting away that easily, dear. Look what your darling Chief just gave me.” Eroica waved a thin interoffice envelope. “Now be a good boy and celebrate with me.”
He sat there stonily for several minutes before giving up. “Fine, you deviant,” he said, standing up. Klaus walked to where his trenchcoat was hanging and reached out for it. Since it was just after noon, the Alphabet Office was mostly deserted, except for Z and G, who were busy with their filing. He nodded to them.
Everyone jerked as a muffled yelp echoed in the room. Klaus had whirled around, back to the coat hanger, holding his trenchcoat protectively over him. Another hand was rubbing a suddenly-tender bottom. “You, you, you…” he sputtered, infuriatedly glowering at the wickedly-grinning culprit.
“What a delectable bum you have, dearest!” Eroica leaned forward, causing Klaus to huddle back instinctively. “I remember everything, my dearest Major,” the thief whispered into his ear, blowing against it. “You might as well surrender now.”
“Never!” The German threw himself to the side and hurried away, face red as delighted laughter followed him.
Oh yes, he and Mischa had an appointment and he was looking forward to it!
-fin-
Let me know how you likes...