Written in the Scars (1/2)
Title: Written in the Scars (1/2)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2800
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Summary: This was inspired by the song “Just Give Me a Reason” by Pink/Nate Ruess. It takes place about a year after C/B started dating, but is not tied to the specifics of season five. In other words, it’s a slight AU, forcing the ugly conversation they’ve needed to have for quite a while.
Her eyes darted down to her phone again, the traitorous pair intent on forcing her hand, refusing to let her ignore the missed calls. There had been five of them in the past two hours; three voice mails. Sighing, she tried to focus on the reports splayed across the desk, her temporary solution to a more lasting problem. It was almost midnight, but work had always been her best distraction, so she couldn’t help but cling to it now.
After several tear-blurred minutes, she finally gave up.
She still didn’t listen to the messages, couldn’t bear to hear his voice any sooner than absolutely necessary; her phone was dropped into the bottom of her bag where it could be as dark and muted as her screaming heart. The computer was turned off, the files put away, a deep breath taken. It wasn’t until she moved toward the elevator that her stomach revolted and she hastily shoved her way into the restroom, her bag abandoned on the floor.
Retching over the sink, coffee and anxiety making their acidic escape, she once again considered the possibility of running away completely. Shutting down and never facing any of it. But as she raised her head and braved the mirror, she recognized that she owed him more than that; if she dug deep enough, she’d be able to admit that she owed it to herself as well.
She scooped cold water from the faucet and rinsed out her mouth, then grabbed a paper towel to wipe the fear from her face. Straightening with bravery she didn’t feel, she left the bathroom…the bullpen…the precinct. She drove to the loft, the connection with her sanctuary stretched thinner with every block. Eventually it was gone completely, leaving her in front of his door, alone.
A choked sob acknowledged the ridiculousness of knocking, her keys clutched in her other hand. But she didn’t think she had the right to let herself in, not after what she had done that morning. No, she’d give him the option of turning her away, though she was certain he wouldn’t make it that easy. He’d called enough times to make it clear that he wanted to talk. She supposed that was part of the problem.
Their entire relationship was full of conversations that only one of them wanted to have.
The heavy door swung wide and she was greeted by cloudy blue eyes and the smell of scotch. She could almost see the battle of too many thoughts, or accusations, trying to be the first out of his mouth. As if they all surrendered simultaneously, he simply backed away and let her in.
She found herself looking around the loft, seeking evidence of anything that had changed in the past 15 hours, perhaps a clue as to how much he had had to drink. He read her mind; apparently he only missed the things he didn’t want to see.
“I’m on my second one. Believe me, I’d like to be much further along, but I figured I should be coherent when the love of my life tries to explain why she’s such a coward.”
The truth took her breath away. There really wasn’t much to say in her defense, but she tried anyway. “I thought it would be easiest if I did it this way. But I didn’t run completely. I left you the note. I told you I’d be back to talk about it.”
He laughed derisively. “Yes, you left me a fucking note. After taking everything else.” Childlike confusion rolled across his face. “When I kissed you goodbye this morning, things were fine. I hurried off to my meetings at Black Pawn and left you here to get ready for work. So, imagine my surprise when I came home. Of course, I didn’t notice right away. I was eating lunch in my office and catching up on emails, so it wasn’t until I pushed my plate aside that I noticed your blanket and book were missing from the chair where you were curled up so perfectly last night.”
She stifled the guilt rising to the surface as he used his words to paint such a clear picture for her, just as he had done a million times before. She couldn’t even look at him. He just kept talking.
“I couldn’t tell you what it was that made me pause, but something felt wrong. I got up slowly and went into the bedroom, and everything was gone. Your slippers, the lotion and lip balm you kept on the nightstand, your spare phone charger. I found the empty drawer, the space left in the closet, and like a masochist, I wandered into the bathroom. Shampoo, body wash, toothbrush, razor, makeup…gone. It still fucking smelled like you, but there was no other trace of you having been there at all, except for the folded note next to the sink.”
His voice cracked, and she looked up to see the tears he was fighting to keep from falling. Having already lost that particular war, salty tracks ran down her face and derailed disastrously onto the floor.
“Castle, I just wanted the cleanest possible break.”
“So that’s it? You’ve made the unilateral decision that we’re over? I don’t even understand what happened, Kate. I thought we were forever, that I was your one and done. Did you just wake up and realize that you don’t love me at all?”
That did it. His dam finally leaked, a renegade teardrop racing the waterfall of her own.
“Oh my god, Castle, no. No. I love you so much and I need you to believe that. I just…I don’t know how to do this anymore.” She wasn’t sure how much longer she could physically stand up to him, the sheer weight of their feelings making her legs too weak. She moved to the couch and sat down; he did the same, but took the opposite end, as if he appreciated the symbolism of being so close and so far away at the same time. He seemed to be waiting for her to continue, so she did.
“I have loved you for so long that I can’t remember a time when I didn’t. When you weren’t in every heartbeat, every breath. You’ve seen the bad parts of me and loved me in spite of them. Hell, you’re the one that built me up while you tore down my walls. You have to know that. You fixed me, Castle. But now I feel these cracks and you’re so far away that I don’t think you can stop them from breaking me wide open.”
“So walking away from this relationship is the only way to keep you in one piece?”
She sighed. “No, walking away from this relationship is the only way to keep you from getting cut by the jagged edges left after I’ve fallen apart.”
“Don’t justify this with the delusion that you’re doing me a favor.”
Before she could say anything, he stood to retrieve his empty glass, apparently ready for another refill. Gesturing an offer to pour one for her, she nodded in response; while she didn’t normally drink scotch, she supposed she deserved the punishing burn of it in her chest. After he handed her the drink, he sat down closer than he had before, and they both took a long, smooth swallow. The tears were starting to dry and a subtle calm had settled around them, his ire temporarily shelved.
“Okay, Kate, I’m going to need you to back up a bit. You said that I’m far away? How? What have I done to make you feel that way?”
Biting her lip, she tried to work out an answer, failing because words were his gift, not hers. “I think we’re on different paths, and we’ll eventually end up in completely separate places. It’s worried me for a long time, but when I’ve tried to bring it up to you, it’s fallen flat. I don’t think you even realize how much you deflect, how often use your humor to avoid talking about us. You’re charming and funny, but you aren’t serious when I need you to be. It’s created this gap and I don’t know how to bridge it.”
He took another sip, hiding his expression in the bottom of the glass, but she didn’t miss the sadness on his face. It was the look of a little boy who had just been scolded for something he couldn’t help, a defensive mechanism that had now betrayed him. She decided to keep going. Maybe he would see that this was the best thing for both of them.
“You talk in your sleep a lot. I always thought it was adorable that you couldn’t even stay quiet overnight.” She smiled wistfully, already missing the mumbling that used to lull her into slumber, his voice soothing when he wasn’t even trying. “But lately, your words have been tense, pleading, and scared. Like you’ve become unhappy. And I can’t help but think that I’ve caused that.”
His head jerked up, some of the anger returning. “Jesus, Kate. You have nightmares all the time. Am I supposed to take the blame for them?”
“No, Castle. Of course not.” Ugh. This wasn’t going well. She really didn’t want to argue over the details, she just wanted to explain why she was putting them out of their misery.
“Then why the hell would you think you cause anything I do in my sleep? And why would you end a relationship because of it? Do you even hear how ridiculous that sounds?”
She set her glass on the coffee table and stood up. She needed to move. Pace. Release the anxiety that had plagued her all day.
“That’s just one example, Castle. There’s a distance between us and I don’t know how to make it better. We go through the motions, but we’re not moving forward and I can’t survive waiting for our relationship to fade away. I may not survive it either way, but I’m not tearing you down with me.”
The tears were back, sliding down her cheeks without regard for her pride. She backed up against the wall and closed her eyes, desperate for this to be over. He wanted to process it, but she just needed to walk away and shatter on her own. She was a mess and he deserved so much more.
He had finished his drink and was moving toward her, but she was lost in thought and didn’t hear him approach. It was only when he was within a few feet that she opened her eyes to the sorrow shadowing his normally jovial face. She started to speak again, but he placed a fingertip against her lips and crowded into her space.
Placing a chaste kiss on her wet cheek, he reached for her hand and walked them back to the couch. They sat, and he angled himself toward her, clearly unwilling to let her hide anymore. She simply waited for whatever he was going to say next.
“Ok, Kate. You said that you’ve tried to talk to me, and that I’ve deflected. So, here I am. Ask me anything. Tell me anything.”
Well, shit. She wasn’t sure how she’d fooled herself into thinking that he’d let her go without a fight, not when he had fought so hard to be with her in the first place. Now he wanted to put it all on the table. Fine, if he needed the reasons why their relationship wouldn’t work, she’d give them to him. He had to see that it was better to end this now, but she’d start small.
“What happens if Alexis decides she really isn’t okay with us being together?”
His raised eyebrows suggested that he wasn’t expecting her to open with that. “Um, she’s been okay with us for several months. Other than some tension around the time of the bank hostage situation, and her hesitance at the beginning of our relationship, she hasn’t had any issue with us at all. And, while I love her dearly, she’s grown up and at least partially on her own now, and she doesn’t get to dictate my personal life. I’ve spent 18 years doing what is best for her, but I need to take my own feelings into account, too.”
That hadn’t been nearly the land mine she thought it might be and she found herself scowling. “What if I don’t want to be a cop anymore? Or what if I don’t want to live in New York anymore?”
He actually laughed at her. “Kate, I am in love with you, not your job. And I’m quite sure I will love you anywhere, from sea to shining sea. I also think you’re pulling random excuses out of your ass right now, but we can certainly discuss them if you’re that concerned about the effect your title and zip code have on our future.”
Great, he brought up the future. It would be an easy segue, so she took the opportunity she was handed. “I want to get married someday. You’ve already been married twice. Can you honestly say you want to do it again?”
He finally paused. Started to open his mouth, but stopped. It wasn’t exactly the reassurance she might have hoped for, had she allowed herself to hope at all, and she stood up again. The constant up and down wasn’t helping her unstable nerves, but she couldn’t just sit there and wait for him to confirm that there would be no walk down the aisle in their future.
She was several steps away, her back turned to him, but the sharpness in his voice made her freeze.
“Kate, you need to stop running away. We obviously both have our ways out of tough conversations, but it won’t help if I have to explain myself to your back.”
Spinning around to face him, she glared, pissed that he was trying to call her out on anything. Of course, it probably wouldn’t have upset her so much if it weren’t true.
“Okay, I’m waiting.”
He shook his head, the love and frustration evident in his expression. “The thought of marrying you scares the shit out of me.” She looked down at the floor, defeated. “Kate, listen. Please. I love you so much, and it took us such a long time to get here that I haven’t wanted to do anything that might mess us up.”
She was interrupting before she could think better of it, her voice louder now. Perhaps volume would get her point across. “We’re already messed up, Castle! We work together at the precinct and joke around and have great sex, but we never talk. Not about anything that matters and I just can’t---“
“Kate! Stop speaking. Stop running. Just stop.”
Now he was standing again; their dance was becoming increasingly absurd. He looked like he wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her into silence, but she bit down on her lip and said no more. If he really wanted to keep this up, she supposed she could let him.
“As you so correctly pointed out, I’ve been married twice. Which also means that I’ve been divorced twice. A failure twice. And I don’t want to fail you, but maybe it’s too late for that.” She felt the crease form between her furrowed brows and forced herself to stay quiet. “Those marriages were mistakes that I allowed to happen. My mistakes. And I’m terrified of us falling into that same awful category. I want nothing more than for you to be my wife, but you becoming my third ex-wife would kill me. So, yes, I’ve avoided the subject entirely because I figured it would be safer to maintain the status quo. And, obviously, I was wrong.”
They were facing each other, holding tentative eye contact. She was studiously ignoring his admission about wanting to marry her because there was a question stuck in her throat, mixed with the bilious reminder that she should have asked it long ago.
“Why did your marriages end?”
He nodded slowly, as though he had been expecting it, but she wasn’t prepared for his response.
“Do you have to work in the morning? Because, if you don’t, I’d like to make us some coffee. We could be up for a while.”
Part 2 here
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2800
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Summary: This was inspired by the song “Just Give Me a Reason” by Pink/Nate Ruess. It takes place about a year after C/B started dating, but is not tied to the specifics of season five. In other words, it’s a slight AU, forcing the ugly conversation they’ve needed to have for quite a while.
Her eyes darted down to her phone again, the traitorous pair intent on forcing her hand, refusing to let her ignore the missed calls. There had been five of them in the past two hours; three voice mails. Sighing, she tried to focus on the reports splayed across the desk, her temporary solution to a more lasting problem. It was almost midnight, but work had always been her best distraction, so she couldn’t help but cling to it now.
After several tear-blurred minutes, she finally gave up.
She still didn’t listen to the messages, couldn’t bear to hear his voice any sooner than absolutely necessary; her phone was dropped into the bottom of her bag where it could be as dark and muted as her screaming heart. The computer was turned off, the files put away, a deep breath taken. It wasn’t until she moved toward the elevator that her stomach revolted and she hastily shoved her way into the restroom, her bag abandoned on the floor.
Retching over the sink, coffee and anxiety making their acidic escape, she once again considered the possibility of running away completely. Shutting down and never facing any of it. But as she raised her head and braved the mirror, she recognized that she owed him more than that; if she dug deep enough, she’d be able to admit that she owed it to herself as well.
She scooped cold water from the faucet and rinsed out her mouth, then grabbed a paper towel to wipe the fear from her face. Straightening with bravery she didn’t feel, she left the bathroom…the bullpen…the precinct. She drove to the loft, the connection with her sanctuary stretched thinner with every block. Eventually it was gone completely, leaving her in front of his door, alone.
A choked sob acknowledged the ridiculousness of knocking, her keys clutched in her other hand. But she didn’t think she had the right to let herself in, not after what she had done that morning. No, she’d give him the option of turning her away, though she was certain he wouldn’t make it that easy. He’d called enough times to make it clear that he wanted to talk. She supposed that was part of the problem.
Their entire relationship was full of conversations that only one of them wanted to have.
The heavy door swung wide and she was greeted by cloudy blue eyes and the smell of scotch. She could almost see the battle of too many thoughts, or accusations, trying to be the first out of his mouth. As if they all surrendered simultaneously, he simply backed away and let her in.
She found herself looking around the loft, seeking evidence of anything that had changed in the past 15 hours, perhaps a clue as to how much he had had to drink. He read her mind; apparently he only missed the things he didn’t want to see.
“I’m on my second one. Believe me, I’d like to be much further along, but I figured I should be coherent when the love of my life tries to explain why she’s such a coward.”
The truth took her breath away. There really wasn’t much to say in her defense, but she tried anyway. “I thought it would be easiest if I did it this way. But I didn’t run completely. I left you the note. I told you I’d be back to talk about it.”
He laughed derisively. “Yes, you left me a fucking note. After taking everything else.” Childlike confusion rolled across his face. “When I kissed you goodbye this morning, things were fine. I hurried off to my meetings at Black Pawn and left you here to get ready for work. So, imagine my surprise when I came home. Of course, I didn’t notice right away. I was eating lunch in my office and catching up on emails, so it wasn’t until I pushed my plate aside that I noticed your blanket and book were missing from the chair where you were curled up so perfectly last night.”
She stifled the guilt rising to the surface as he used his words to paint such a clear picture for her, just as he had done a million times before. She couldn’t even look at him. He just kept talking.
“I couldn’t tell you what it was that made me pause, but something felt wrong. I got up slowly and went into the bedroom, and everything was gone. Your slippers, the lotion and lip balm you kept on the nightstand, your spare phone charger. I found the empty drawer, the space left in the closet, and like a masochist, I wandered into the bathroom. Shampoo, body wash, toothbrush, razor, makeup…gone. It still fucking smelled like you, but there was no other trace of you having been there at all, except for the folded note next to the sink.”
His voice cracked, and she looked up to see the tears he was fighting to keep from falling. Having already lost that particular war, salty tracks ran down her face and derailed disastrously onto the floor.
“Castle, I just wanted the cleanest possible break.”
“So that’s it? You’ve made the unilateral decision that we’re over? I don’t even understand what happened, Kate. I thought we were forever, that I was your one and done. Did you just wake up and realize that you don’t love me at all?”
That did it. His dam finally leaked, a renegade teardrop racing the waterfall of her own.
“Oh my god, Castle, no. No. I love you so much and I need you to believe that. I just…I don’t know how to do this anymore.” She wasn’t sure how much longer she could physically stand up to him, the sheer weight of their feelings making her legs too weak. She moved to the couch and sat down; he did the same, but took the opposite end, as if he appreciated the symbolism of being so close and so far away at the same time. He seemed to be waiting for her to continue, so she did.
“I have loved you for so long that I can’t remember a time when I didn’t. When you weren’t in every heartbeat, every breath. You’ve seen the bad parts of me and loved me in spite of them. Hell, you’re the one that built me up while you tore down my walls. You have to know that. You fixed me, Castle. But now I feel these cracks and you’re so far away that I don’t think you can stop them from breaking me wide open.”
“So walking away from this relationship is the only way to keep you in one piece?”
She sighed. “No, walking away from this relationship is the only way to keep you from getting cut by the jagged edges left after I’ve fallen apart.”
“Don’t justify this with the delusion that you’re doing me a favor.”
Before she could say anything, he stood to retrieve his empty glass, apparently ready for another refill. Gesturing an offer to pour one for her, she nodded in response; while she didn’t normally drink scotch, she supposed she deserved the punishing burn of it in her chest. After he handed her the drink, he sat down closer than he had before, and they both took a long, smooth swallow. The tears were starting to dry and a subtle calm had settled around them, his ire temporarily shelved.
“Okay, Kate, I’m going to need you to back up a bit. You said that I’m far away? How? What have I done to make you feel that way?”
Biting her lip, she tried to work out an answer, failing because words were his gift, not hers. “I think we’re on different paths, and we’ll eventually end up in completely separate places. It’s worried me for a long time, but when I’ve tried to bring it up to you, it’s fallen flat. I don’t think you even realize how much you deflect, how often use your humor to avoid talking about us. You’re charming and funny, but you aren’t serious when I need you to be. It’s created this gap and I don’t know how to bridge it.”
He took another sip, hiding his expression in the bottom of the glass, but she didn’t miss the sadness on his face. It was the look of a little boy who had just been scolded for something he couldn’t help, a defensive mechanism that had now betrayed him. She decided to keep going. Maybe he would see that this was the best thing for both of them.
“You talk in your sleep a lot. I always thought it was adorable that you couldn’t even stay quiet overnight.” She smiled wistfully, already missing the mumbling that used to lull her into slumber, his voice soothing when he wasn’t even trying. “But lately, your words have been tense, pleading, and scared. Like you’ve become unhappy. And I can’t help but think that I’ve caused that.”
His head jerked up, some of the anger returning. “Jesus, Kate. You have nightmares all the time. Am I supposed to take the blame for them?”
“No, Castle. Of course not.” Ugh. This wasn’t going well. She really didn’t want to argue over the details, she just wanted to explain why she was putting them out of their misery.
“Then why the hell would you think you cause anything I do in my sleep? And why would you end a relationship because of it? Do you even hear how ridiculous that sounds?”
She set her glass on the coffee table and stood up. She needed to move. Pace. Release the anxiety that had plagued her all day.
“That’s just one example, Castle. There’s a distance between us and I don’t know how to make it better. We go through the motions, but we’re not moving forward and I can’t survive waiting for our relationship to fade away. I may not survive it either way, but I’m not tearing you down with me.”
The tears were back, sliding down her cheeks without regard for her pride. She backed up against the wall and closed her eyes, desperate for this to be over. He wanted to process it, but she just needed to walk away and shatter on her own. She was a mess and he deserved so much more.
He had finished his drink and was moving toward her, but she was lost in thought and didn’t hear him approach. It was only when he was within a few feet that she opened her eyes to the sorrow shadowing his normally jovial face. She started to speak again, but he placed a fingertip against her lips and crowded into her space.
Placing a chaste kiss on her wet cheek, he reached for her hand and walked them back to the couch. They sat, and he angled himself toward her, clearly unwilling to let her hide anymore. She simply waited for whatever he was going to say next.
“Ok, Kate. You said that you’ve tried to talk to me, and that I’ve deflected. So, here I am. Ask me anything. Tell me anything.”
Well, shit. She wasn’t sure how she’d fooled herself into thinking that he’d let her go without a fight, not when he had fought so hard to be with her in the first place. Now he wanted to put it all on the table. Fine, if he needed the reasons why their relationship wouldn’t work, she’d give them to him. He had to see that it was better to end this now, but she’d start small.
“What happens if Alexis decides she really isn’t okay with us being together?”
His raised eyebrows suggested that he wasn’t expecting her to open with that. “Um, she’s been okay with us for several months. Other than some tension around the time of the bank hostage situation, and her hesitance at the beginning of our relationship, she hasn’t had any issue with us at all. And, while I love her dearly, she’s grown up and at least partially on her own now, and she doesn’t get to dictate my personal life. I’ve spent 18 years doing what is best for her, but I need to take my own feelings into account, too.”
That hadn’t been nearly the land mine she thought it might be and she found herself scowling. “What if I don’t want to be a cop anymore? Or what if I don’t want to live in New York anymore?”
He actually laughed at her. “Kate, I am in love with you, not your job. And I’m quite sure I will love you anywhere, from sea to shining sea. I also think you’re pulling random excuses out of your ass right now, but we can certainly discuss them if you’re that concerned about the effect your title and zip code have on our future.”
Great, he brought up the future. It would be an easy segue, so she took the opportunity she was handed. “I want to get married someday. You’ve already been married twice. Can you honestly say you want to do it again?”
He finally paused. Started to open his mouth, but stopped. It wasn’t exactly the reassurance she might have hoped for, had she allowed herself to hope at all, and she stood up again. The constant up and down wasn’t helping her unstable nerves, but she couldn’t just sit there and wait for him to confirm that there would be no walk down the aisle in their future.
She was several steps away, her back turned to him, but the sharpness in his voice made her freeze.
“Kate, you need to stop running away. We obviously both have our ways out of tough conversations, but it won’t help if I have to explain myself to your back.”
Spinning around to face him, she glared, pissed that he was trying to call her out on anything. Of course, it probably wouldn’t have upset her so much if it weren’t true.
“Okay, I’m waiting.”
He shook his head, the love and frustration evident in his expression. “The thought of marrying you scares the shit out of me.” She looked down at the floor, defeated. “Kate, listen. Please. I love you so much, and it took us such a long time to get here that I haven’t wanted to do anything that might mess us up.”
She was interrupting before she could think better of it, her voice louder now. Perhaps volume would get her point across. “We’re already messed up, Castle! We work together at the precinct and joke around and have great sex, but we never talk. Not about anything that matters and I just can’t---“
“Kate! Stop speaking. Stop running. Just stop.”
Now he was standing again; their dance was becoming increasingly absurd. He looked like he wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her into silence, but she bit down on her lip and said no more. If he really wanted to keep this up, she supposed she could let him.
“As you so correctly pointed out, I’ve been married twice. Which also means that I’ve been divorced twice. A failure twice. And I don’t want to fail you, but maybe it’s too late for that.” She felt the crease form between her furrowed brows and forced herself to stay quiet. “Those marriages were mistakes that I allowed to happen. My mistakes. And I’m terrified of us falling into that same awful category. I want nothing more than for you to be my wife, but you becoming my third ex-wife would kill me. So, yes, I’ve avoided the subject entirely because I figured it would be safer to maintain the status quo. And, obviously, I was wrong.”
They were facing each other, holding tentative eye contact. She was studiously ignoring his admission about wanting to marry her because there was a question stuck in her throat, mixed with the bilious reminder that she should have asked it long ago.
“Why did your marriages end?”
He nodded slowly, as though he had been expecting it, but she wasn’t prepared for his response.
“Do you have to work in the morning? Because, if you don’t, I’d like to make us some coffee. We could be up for a while.”
Part 2 here