The Exact Colour of Doubt (2/3)
Title: The Exact Colour of Doubt
Rating: PG-13 for language and violence
Characters/Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Summary: Beckett goes undercover and Castle doesn't like it. Set in season 5.
Spoilers: For all US-aired episodes
A/N: Also posted over at fanfiction.net
Two hours.
Two hours of pacing the length of the loft.
Two hours of arguing with his mother - trying to convince her that everything was fine, that he was fine before she left the loft in a huff, saying she'll be at friends'.
Two hours of arguing with his daughter almost immediately after. His mother must have called Alexis to get her to see if she could get to the bottom of what's wrong. He dismissed her, telling her that there's nothing to worry about.
Two hours of calling the precinct and demanding where Beckett was and demanding an update on the whole situation. No one was forthcoming with answers.
Two hours of trying to take his mind off things by busying himself with a round of Halo, checking his emails, finishing that last bit of Jack Daniels that was in his office.
Two hours.
Before Kate swung the front door of the loft open and came striding in. The door banged against the back wall from the force before slamming shut behind her. Castle froze behind the kitchen island, a jar of peanut butter in his hand.
Kate looked exhausted but mad. Anger curled off her in waves so tangible that Castle could taste it. It stung his tongue, coated his mouth.
She stood in the middle of the loft and planted her hands on her hips. Her hair was pulled into a loose and messy bun and she had one of those NYPD windbreakers on. It was almost three sizes too big that she was practically swimming in it. She stared at him.
He stared back.
Castle had played this game before. With his mother, Meredith, Gina, Paula and even Alexis. He lost every time. Not this time though. This time he was going to make sure he won't be the first one to say uncle.
They stood like that for a full minute. Then two. Then three.
Then maybe for an hour - Castle wasn't sure. All he knew was that his fingers were starting to cramp as his hold around the peanut butter jar grew tighter and tighter as every minute ticked by. Then with a huff, Kate swivel on her heels and stalked towards their bedroom. Castle almost let himself smile in triumphant but before he could give in to savour the small victory, Kate returned with a first aid kit in her hand. Castle set the jar down on the counter top next to his toast. Kate tossed the kit next to the jar. "Clean that up," she ordered, nodding towards his injured hand.
"It's find. It's just a scratch," Castle replied curtly, pushing the kit aside. He used his bad hand to do it as well, proving to her it was indeed fine. That he could use it - even though it hurt like hell and he was pretty sure he broke a bone in his hand. Maybe a couple. But he wasn't going to tell her that. Hell no.
"God, Castle, for once do as I ask!"
Castle narrowed his eyes at her. "It's. Just. A. Scratch." he repeated slowly. There was a beat as the two of them exchanged defiant stares. Then he asked, "Did he hurt you?"
Kate looked surprised at the question. She took a moment to find her voice before saying, "No…no he didn't. He…erm…found the wire so I tried to distract him but he didn't buy it. He then pushed me against the wall and I was going to push him away when…when you came in."
Castle let his eyes roam over her to make sure she was telling the truth. Satisfied, he turned his attention to his sandwich. He started scooping up a generous amount of peanut butter for his toast. The movement hurt but he swallowed down the pain. "What did Gates say?" he asked, almost casually. When she didn't reply immediately, Castle glanced up. She was studying his hands as he made his sandwich, not meeting his gaze.
"Nothing," she finally mumbled.
Castle scoffed. "Nothing? Seriously? Gates said nothing?"
"Doesn't really matter what she said."
"It does. I want to know what she said so that we'd know what to do to fix this."
This time, Kate looked at him, squarely in his eyes. "Oh no. There's no 'we', Castle. Just me. I'll fix this. You're done with this case."
Castle's hands stilled. He set the knife down as he stared at her. "What? Don't I get to at least explain -"
"You broke his jaw, Castle. He's pressing charges. You're done."
Castle stomach rolled and his appetite vanished immediately. He pushed away his supper. "Was that your call or Gates?"
"Does it matter?" Kate asked, her eyes searching his. There was so much disappointment in them that Castle almost retched.
"No. No, I guess it doesn't," he finally said.
"And I think it's best if you stay away from the 12th for a while - until everything has blown over. You…you need to think about what you've done.
Castle barked out a laugh. This was some sort of a joke right? Was this the punch line or was that coming later? Maybe next she'll tell him he can't write about her anymore. "Oh first I'm benched and now you're sending me to my naughty corner to think about what I've done? What am I? A five year old?"
"Gates is on a warpath. We just lost our lead suspect -"
"He had his hands all over you, Kate! A rapist and a murderer had you cornered and you were in trouble. I did what I had to do."
"Castle, that was not your job! I would have given the signal if I needed backup. Esposito and Ryan were my back up. They would -"
"So. What? You expect me to sit in that van with Steve and not do anything?"
"Yes!"
"Fuck, Kate! How can you even say that?"
"It's not protocol."
"He had his hands on you!" Castle roared. He feels like a broken record. A broken record that nobody is listening. When is she going to get it that he doesn't give a damn about protocol when it comes to his girlfriend being in trouble?
Kate closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. Castle saw her hands shaking slightly by her sides. "Gates is not going to see it that way," Kate told him as she opened her eyes. They were now dark with frustration. "All Gates is going to see is that we lost our lead suspect and even if we tried him, there's not enough evidence to convict him. The jury isn't going to buy it. There's reasonable doubt here. And Robbins…he knows we are on to him and he'll cover his tracks. We lost. That's what Gates is going to see. That we lost this case. Because of you."
Castle rolled his eyes, with a slight shake of his head. "Thanks for rubbing it in, Beckett."
"God, Castle, don't you get it?"
"Oh I get it. I screwed up right? I know, I heard you the first time," Castle spat, sarcasm coating his words.
Kate threw her hands up in exasperation. "You beat up a man!"
"I know what I did, Kate! I was there."
"Really? Do you really know what you did? Because you sure as hell don't act like you give a damn!"
"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry?"
"It's a good place to start as any."
Castle barked out a laugh. "No. I'm not going to apologize for what I did. I'm sorry I screw up the whole undercover operation, I'm sorry we lost our suspect and I'm sorry I got you in trouble with Gates but I'm not going to apologize for hitting him."
"Why did you even hit him?"
"I thought you were in trouble," he replied simply.
"Well, I wasn't! If I was, I would have given the signal. And if I was, you of all people shouldn't be running in there unarmed!"
Castle picked up the plate with the abandoned toast and chucked it into the sink. The clatter of the plate hitting the metal sink echoed around the loft loudly. "Look, I don't think we should talk about this anymore," Castle said with his back to her. "You should go."
"No. I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell you were thinking. That wasn't you, Castle. You'd know better than that to just come charging in."
Castle whirled around, eyes blazing. "I was thinking my girlfriend was in trouble and I needed to get to her. I was thinking I'm not going to let some psycho rapist touch her. I was thinking I'm not going to let a murderer get to my girlfriend like he did the last time."
Kate blinked at him, confusion descending upon her. "What? What are you talking about? What last time?"
Fuck.
Castle raked a hand through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. He suddenly felt really stupid. He wished he could take back everything he said, grab the words that he let out and stuff it back down his throat.
"Castle, don't shut me out here. I want to understand what happened. I can't just let this go. What you did…you really…" she trailed off but Castle knew what she was going to say.
He scared her.
He saw the look on her face when he was being dragged out the room. He didn't think he would forget that anytime soon. It's permanently scarred into his brain. It's something he never wanted to see from her but he did and it was awful. He repulsed himself for making her feel that way.
He dropped his hands. He focused on the wall behind her, searching for the words. His mind was in a mess and he had a hard time picking through his thoughts.
Kate took a step towards him. Her demeanor was different now - less guarded, less defensive. He took in a breath. "Remember my birthday? The fake murder you staged?" Kate nodded. She seemed afraid to say anything just in case it would spook him back into silence. "When you went into that apartment and the murderer got you, I…I thought you were going to die. I thought he was going to kill you and I was going to lose you."
Kate frowned. "Castle, I was never in trouble."
"I know that. After. After you told me it was all fake but before? Before I knew he was some actor you hired, I thought he was a real murderer. And he had a knife and he had you and when the lights went out, I thought he was going to kill you…and…" Castle paused as he lost his words. The memory of that night rose up within him, causing the all too familiar fear to take root in his stomach, branches sprouting and wrapping around his lungs and chest, making him breathless. He braced himself against the island as he tried to tamp down the fear.
"Castle -"
He shook his head as his eyes bored into the counter top. He needed to get this out before it rots his insides. "And that was after what happened to Alexis," Castle continued. "Within weeks, I almost lost the two people I loved the most. I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't see what was happening in that room with Robbins so my imagination went wild. I kept thinking about my birthday and…and…I don't know. I kept seeing that night of my birthday over and over again in my head and I thought, this was real. This was actually happening. You are in a room alone with an actual murderer. This wasn't fake." A shudder ran through him. His knuckles went white as his hold tightened, making the scratches and bruises on his injured hand stand out even more. Blue, purple, yellow…
There was silence. Neither of them moved for full minute.
Castle almost jumped when he felt fingers on his forearm. He looked up as Kate tried to break his hold on the counter top. He let her pry his hand loose. She reached for the first aid kit. He let her take his bad hand in hers. He let her unzip the kit and pull out the things she needed. He let her clean the scratches. He let her wrap his hand up with the gauze and bandages.
"Why didn't you tell me about this?" she asked so softly that he almost didn't hear them. He caught her words before they fell to the ground. "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?"
Castle stared at her for a moment, trying to read her. But she had her head down, loose tendrils of her hair that escaped from her bun framing her face as she tended to his injury, eyes downcast. "A practical joke is turning me into a nervous wreck. Do you realize how stupid that sounds?"
"No, it doesn't sound stupid. It's sound very real to me. But Castle, I'm a cop. I'm in danger almost every day. What's different now?"
"Everything," Castle whispered without a beat.
Kate's eyes flicked to him briefly and he saw understanding in them. She returned her attention to nursing his hand. "I think you need to talk to someone about this."
Castle pulled his hand away from her and took a step back. "No, I can handle this. I just need some time."
Kate folded her arms across her chest, frustration seeping back into her face. "Castle, you almost killed a guy. That's not handling it. You might have PTSD from what happened to Alexis and you need to see someone about this."
Castle scoffed as he brushed past her, moving towards the living room. "I don't have PTSD. I wasn't the one who got kidnapped."
"No, but you went through a traumatic thing and I don't think you took the time to properly deal with it."
"I'll take some time off from the precinct like you said. It'll be fine."
"Castle, stop! Look at me."
Castle halted but didn't turn to face her.
"You can't just hope that this would go away. It doesn't work like that - trust me, I know. What if the next time the suspect has a weapon? A knife or a gun? What if he hurts you?"
Castle faced her, folding his arms, straightening. He lifted his chin. "It won't happen again. This was just a…"
"What, Castle? What was it? If you can put a name for what happened, I'll let this slide."
He searched - for a word, for a sentence, for a name, anything - so they could put this to rest once and for all. But his mind went blank because if he was being really honest with himself, there was no word to describe what happened. He couldn't explain his actions because he didn't know who that man was in that apartment.
His stance wavered.
"Please, Rick. Talk to someone. Do this for me." The expression on Kate's face changed, sharpening into determination. He knew that look. She's not going to budge on this so there was no point in arguing with her. However, every cell in his body was screaming in protest. He felt like he was being punished. For what? For protecting his girlfriend? No, he wasn't going to stand here and let her tell him how he feels or what he has.
Instead he clamped his mouth shut, his whole body vibrating with the effort. As much as he wanted to fight with her about this, he knew it was a battle that no one will win. He was just as stubborn as she was. Arguing wasn't going to make things better. He knows how this would go. They'll fight, scream at each other, maybe call each other names. One of them will storm out. One of them won't come back.
So Castle took a step back. He dropped his arms, hands balling into fists, the strapping going taut around his knuckles and shooting pain up his arm. A reminder of the damage. A reminder of what happened. A reminder of what he did. "I should jump in the shower. It's been a long night," Castle stated flatly, looking away but not before he caught the look of utter disappointment on Kate's face.
"Castle -"
"I'll see you in the morning," Castle said. His words were soft but the meaning was loud and clear.
Go home.
Rating: PG-13 for language and violence
Characters/Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Summary: Beckett goes undercover and Castle doesn't like it. Set in season 5.
Spoilers: For all US-aired episodes
A/N: Also posted over at fanfiction.net
Two hours.
Two hours of pacing the length of the loft.
Two hours of arguing with his mother - trying to convince her that everything was fine, that he was fine before she left the loft in a huff, saying she'll be at friends'.
Two hours of arguing with his daughter almost immediately after. His mother must have called Alexis to get her to see if she could get to the bottom of what's wrong. He dismissed her, telling her that there's nothing to worry about.
Two hours of calling the precinct and demanding where Beckett was and demanding an update on the whole situation. No one was forthcoming with answers.
Two hours of trying to take his mind off things by busying himself with a round of Halo, checking his emails, finishing that last bit of Jack Daniels that was in his office.
Two hours.
Before Kate swung the front door of the loft open and came striding in. The door banged against the back wall from the force before slamming shut behind her. Castle froze behind the kitchen island, a jar of peanut butter in his hand.
Kate looked exhausted but mad. Anger curled off her in waves so tangible that Castle could taste it. It stung his tongue, coated his mouth.
She stood in the middle of the loft and planted her hands on her hips. Her hair was pulled into a loose and messy bun and she had one of those NYPD windbreakers on. It was almost three sizes too big that she was practically swimming in it. She stared at him.
He stared back.
Castle had played this game before. With his mother, Meredith, Gina, Paula and even Alexis. He lost every time. Not this time though. This time he was going to make sure he won't be the first one to say uncle.
They stood like that for a full minute. Then two. Then three.
Then maybe for an hour - Castle wasn't sure. All he knew was that his fingers were starting to cramp as his hold around the peanut butter jar grew tighter and tighter as every minute ticked by. Then with a huff, Kate swivel on her heels and stalked towards their bedroom. Castle almost let himself smile in triumphant but before he could give in to savour the small victory, Kate returned with a first aid kit in her hand. Castle set the jar down on the counter top next to his toast. Kate tossed the kit next to the jar. "Clean that up," she ordered, nodding towards his injured hand.
"It's find. It's just a scratch," Castle replied curtly, pushing the kit aside. He used his bad hand to do it as well, proving to her it was indeed fine. That he could use it - even though it hurt like hell and he was pretty sure he broke a bone in his hand. Maybe a couple. But he wasn't going to tell her that. Hell no.
"God, Castle, for once do as I ask!"
Castle narrowed his eyes at her. "It's. Just. A. Scratch." he repeated slowly. There was a beat as the two of them exchanged defiant stares. Then he asked, "Did he hurt you?"
Kate looked surprised at the question. She took a moment to find her voice before saying, "No…no he didn't. He…erm…found the wire so I tried to distract him but he didn't buy it. He then pushed me against the wall and I was going to push him away when…when you came in."
Castle let his eyes roam over her to make sure she was telling the truth. Satisfied, he turned his attention to his sandwich. He started scooping up a generous amount of peanut butter for his toast. The movement hurt but he swallowed down the pain. "What did Gates say?" he asked, almost casually. When she didn't reply immediately, Castle glanced up. She was studying his hands as he made his sandwich, not meeting his gaze.
"Nothing," she finally mumbled.
Castle scoffed. "Nothing? Seriously? Gates said nothing?"
"Doesn't really matter what she said."
"It does. I want to know what she said so that we'd know what to do to fix this."
This time, Kate looked at him, squarely in his eyes. "Oh no. There's no 'we', Castle. Just me. I'll fix this. You're done with this case."
Castle's hands stilled. He set the knife down as he stared at her. "What? Don't I get to at least explain -"
"You broke his jaw, Castle. He's pressing charges. You're done."
Castle stomach rolled and his appetite vanished immediately. He pushed away his supper. "Was that your call or Gates?"
"Does it matter?" Kate asked, her eyes searching his. There was so much disappointment in them that Castle almost retched.
"No. No, I guess it doesn't," he finally said.
"And I think it's best if you stay away from the 12th for a while - until everything has blown over. You…you need to think about what you've done.
Castle barked out a laugh. This was some sort of a joke right? Was this the punch line or was that coming later? Maybe next she'll tell him he can't write about her anymore. "Oh first I'm benched and now you're sending me to my naughty corner to think about what I've done? What am I? A five year old?"
"Gates is on a warpath. We just lost our lead suspect -"
"He had his hands all over you, Kate! A rapist and a murderer had you cornered and you were in trouble. I did what I had to do."
"Castle, that was not your job! I would have given the signal if I needed backup. Esposito and Ryan were my back up. They would -"
"So. What? You expect me to sit in that van with Steve and not do anything?"
"Yes!"
"Fuck, Kate! How can you even say that?"
"It's not protocol."
"He had his hands on you!" Castle roared. He feels like a broken record. A broken record that nobody is listening. When is she going to get it that he doesn't give a damn about protocol when it comes to his girlfriend being in trouble?
Kate closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to compose herself. Castle saw her hands shaking slightly by her sides. "Gates is not going to see it that way," Kate told him as she opened her eyes. They were now dark with frustration. "All Gates is going to see is that we lost our lead suspect and even if we tried him, there's not enough evidence to convict him. The jury isn't going to buy it. There's reasonable doubt here. And Robbins…he knows we are on to him and he'll cover his tracks. We lost. That's what Gates is going to see. That we lost this case. Because of you."
Castle rolled his eyes, with a slight shake of his head. "Thanks for rubbing it in, Beckett."
"God, Castle, don't you get it?"
"Oh I get it. I screwed up right? I know, I heard you the first time," Castle spat, sarcasm coating his words.
Kate threw her hands up in exasperation. "You beat up a man!"
"I know what I did, Kate! I was there."
"Really? Do you really know what you did? Because you sure as hell don't act like you give a damn!"
"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry?"
"It's a good place to start as any."
Castle barked out a laugh. "No. I'm not going to apologize for what I did. I'm sorry I screw up the whole undercover operation, I'm sorry we lost our suspect and I'm sorry I got you in trouble with Gates but I'm not going to apologize for hitting him."
"Why did you even hit him?"
"I thought you were in trouble," he replied simply.
"Well, I wasn't! If I was, I would have given the signal. And if I was, you of all people shouldn't be running in there unarmed!"
Castle picked up the plate with the abandoned toast and chucked it into the sink. The clatter of the plate hitting the metal sink echoed around the loft loudly. "Look, I don't think we should talk about this anymore," Castle said with his back to her. "You should go."
"No. I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell you were thinking. That wasn't you, Castle. You'd know better than that to just come charging in."
Castle whirled around, eyes blazing. "I was thinking my girlfriend was in trouble and I needed to get to her. I was thinking I'm not going to let some psycho rapist touch her. I was thinking I'm not going to let a murderer get to my girlfriend like he did the last time."
Kate blinked at him, confusion descending upon her. "What? What are you talking about? What last time?"
Fuck.
Castle raked a hand through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. He suddenly felt really stupid. He wished he could take back everything he said, grab the words that he let out and stuff it back down his throat.
"Castle, don't shut me out here. I want to understand what happened. I can't just let this go. What you did…you really…" she trailed off but Castle knew what she was going to say.
He scared her.
He saw the look on her face when he was being dragged out the room. He didn't think he would forget that anytime soon. It's permanently scarred into his brain. It's something he never wanted to see from her but he did and it was awful. He repulsed himself for making her feel that way.
He dropped his hands. He focused on the wall behind her, searching for the words. His mind was in a mess and he had a hard time picking through his thoughts.
Kate took a step towards him. Her demeanor was different now - less guarded, less defensive. He took in a breath. "Remember my birthday? The fake murder you staged?" Kate nodded. She seemed afraid to say anything just in case it would spook him back into silence. "When you went into that apartment and the murderer got you, I…I thought you were going to die. I thought he was going to kill you and I was going to lose you."
Kate frowned. "Castle, I was never in trouble."
"I know that. After. After you told me it was all fake but before? Before I knew he was some actor you hired, I thought he was a real murderer. And he had a knife and he had you and when the lights went out, I thought he was going to kill you…and…" Castle paused as he lost his words. The memory of that night rose up within him, causing the all too familiar fear to take root in his stomach, branches sprouting and wrapping around his lungs and chest, making him breathless. He braced himself against the island as he tried to tamp down the fear.
"Castle -"
He shook his head as his eyes bored into the counter top. He needed to get this out before it rots his insides. "And that was after what happened to Alexis," Castle continued. "Within weeks, I almost lost the two people I loved the most. I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't see what was happening in that room with Robbins so my imagination went wild. I kept thinking about my birthday and…and…I don't know. I kept seeing that night of my birthday over and over again in my head and I thought, this was real. This was actually happening. You are in a room alone with an actual murderer. This wasn't fake." A shudder ran through him. His knuckles went white as his hold tightened, making the scratches and bruises on his injured hand stand out even more. Blue, purple, yellow…
There was silence. Neither of them moved for full minute.
Castle almost jumped when he felt fingers on his forearm. He looked up as Kate tried to break his hold on the counter top. He let her pry his hand loose. She reached for the first aid kit. He let her take his bad hand in hers. He let her unzip the kit and pull out the things she needed. He let her clean the scratches. He let her wrap his hand up with the gauze and bandages.
"Why didn't you tell me about this?" she asked so softly that he almost didn't hear them. He caught her words before they fell to the ground. "Why didn't you tell me you felt this way?"
Castle stared at her for a moment, trying to read her. But she had her head down, loose tendrils of her hair that escaped from her bun framing her face as she tended to his injury, eyes downcast. "A practical joke is turning me into a nervous wreck. Do you realize how stupid that sounds?"
"No, it doesn't sound stupid. It's sound very real to me. But Castle, I'm a cop. I'm in danger almost every day. What's different now?"
"Everything," Castle whispered without a beat.
Kate's eyes flicked to him briefly and he saw understanding in them. She returned her attention to nursing his hand. "I think you need to talk to someone about this."
Castle pulled his hand away from her and took a step back. "No, I can handle this. I just need some time."
Kate folded her arms across her chest, frustration seeping back into her face. "Castle, you almost killed a guy. That's not handling it. You might have PTSD from what happened to Alexis and you need to see someone about this."
Castle scoffed as he brushed past her, moving towards the living room. "I don't have PTSD. I wasn't the one who got kidnapped."
"No, but you went through a traumatic thing and I don't think you took the time to properly deal with it."
"I'll take some time off from the precinct like you said. It'll be fine."
"Castle, stop! Look at me."
Castle halted but didn't turn to face her.
"You can't just hope that this would go away. It doesn't work like that - trust me, I know. What if the next time the suspect has a weapon? A knife or a gun? What if he hurts you?"
Castle faced her, folding his arms, straightening. He lifted his chin. "It won't happen again. This was just a…"
"What, Castle? What was it? If you can put a name for what happened, I'll let this slide."
He searched - for a word, for a sentence, for a name, anything - so they could put this to rest once and for all. But his mind went blank because if he was being really honest with himself, there was no word to describe what happened. He couldn't explain his actions because he didn't know who that man was in that apartment.
His stance wavered.
"Please, Rick. Talk to someone. Do this for me." The expression on Kate's face changed, sharpening into determination. He knew that look. She's not going to budge on this so there was no point in arguing with her. However, every cell in his body was screaming in protest. He felt like he was being punished. For what? For protecting his girlfriend? No, he wasn't going to stand here and let her tell him how he feels or what he has.
Instead he clamped his mouth shut, his whole body vibrating with the effort. As much as he wanted to fight with her about this, he knew it was a battle that no one will win. He was just as stubborn as she was. Arguing wasn't going to make things better. He knows how this would go. They'll fight, scream at each other, maybe call each other names. One of them will storm out. One of them won't come back.
So Castle took a step back. He dropped his arms, hands balling into fists, the strapping going taut around his knuckles and shooting pain up his arm. A reminder of the damage. A reminder of what happened. A reminder of what he did. "I should jump in the shower. It's been a long night," Castle stated flatly, looking away but not before he caught the look of utter disappointment on Kate's face.
"Castle -"
"I'll see you in the morning," Castle said. His words were soft but the meaning was loud and clear.
Go home.