Waiting Until After
Title: Waiting Until After
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2400
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Summary: "Eyes wide, Kate stayed still, watching his back and praying to a long-forgotten deity that he would just keep going. That he would be merciful and overlook the cries that poured from her lips without invitation. But Castle had spent more than two years pointedly not ignoring her and she supposed it was too much to hope for now." One-shot set toward the end of Knockout (3x24).
The sun was rising by the time Ryan and Esposito gathered their jackets and keys and slipped somberly from her apartment. Kate welcomed the sharp thud of the closing door behind them; it kept her separated from that world a little longer. A world in which her friend and mentor had betrayed her. A world in which her captain had been the catalyst of her mother’s death. A world in which Roy Montgomery no longer lived.
Not that she was doing that much better locked within her eclectically-decorated walls, but at least she had been able to focus on damage control with her team. The boys had rushed to the hangar as soon as they got the call, and followed her to the apartment once the preliminary interviews had been conducted and she and Castle had been released. The four of them had gathered in her living room and fumbled their way through the grief and anger, Kate insisting that Captain Montgomery be remembered as a hero. The pre-dawn hours were filled with conspiracy details (the few they had), plans for Evelyn and the kids, and a tentative agreement to celebrate Montgomery’s life at The Old Haunt after the funeral.
Now, she bolted the door behind them and turned to find an unusually quiet Castle still seated in one of her chairs, his elbows resting on his knees and his head cradled by his hands. Only 36 hours had passed since their fight, a tangle of truth and cowardice, but Beckett didn’t have the energy for a repeat performance. And, if she were being honest with herself, she was grateful that he had so faithfully come at her captain’s call; without his blind loyalty, she knew she’d be dead.
As Kate stood in the entryway, watching him from beneath her furrowed brow, she thought back to their argument. Castle had tried to use her dad and Josh as obstacles to her crusade, and she had responded with a challenge. A childish game of chicken. She had wanted to push him into admitting that they were more than friends, so that she could follow with a confession of her own; she had broken up with Josh upon returning from Los Angeles. Instead, he backed off, deflected her questions, and then called her on her shit. The palpable fear had caused her to end the fight rather than countering him with accusations of her own. He had left without a word. She had cried herself to sleep.
Castle surprised her by standing up, shaking her from her reverie. He mumbled something about leaving her alone and getting some sleep, brushing past her as he made his way to the door. Kate had never known him to leave her so willingly, but nothing about the past two days had been normal. And the last time he had been in her apartment, she had thrown him out, so he probably thought he was just saving her the trouble of doing it again. She truly didn’t know if he was right.
He reached for the handle and she kept her distance, words unable to work their way around the sudden lump in her throat. She had been so careful to keep her emotions in check while her team processed the nights’ events, but now they were rushing to the surface, sensing an escape route in her impending solitude. Kate swallowed uncomfortably, desperate to hold on for another 30 seconds. Just long enough for Castle to close the door behind him and leave her in peace. She needed to be alone for this. An inevitable breakdown.
Her broken heart had a different plan.
A painful sob broke free from somewhere deep in her chest, the noise finding its way through the fingers clasped hurriedly over her mouth. Eyes wide, Kate stayed still, watching his back and praying to a long-forgotten deity that he would just keep going. That he would be merciful and overlook the cries that poured from her lips without invitation. But Castle had spent more than two years pointedly not ignoring her and she supposed it was too much to hope for now.
He froze with his hand on the door. She closed her eyes; she didn’t need to see him to know he was coming for her. The tears were streaming from behind her eyelids and she took a couple of slow steps backward, as if there were anywhere to hide. When his strong hands fell onto her shoulders, holding her in place, it came as no surprise. It wasn’t until he pulled her toward him for a closer embrace that she fought him, flattening her palms against his chest and pushing back.
“Castle, go home.”
She opened her eyes just in time to see the flash of hurt in his. He shook his head and was so quiet when he spoke that she had to strain to hear him. “Not a chance, Beckett. Not now.”
He moved into her space again, and Kate met him with another backward step of her own; it was a dance they had been doing since they met. Her tears were coming steadily enough to cause her to stumble, but Castle caught her and wrapped his arms around her back. This time when she struggled against him, he was prepared for it and held her tighter, leaning forward to whisper in her ear.
“Breathe, Beckett. I’ve got you, but you have to breathe.”
He carefully walked her toward her stairs, as she gasped for air. With one arm around her waist and the other cradling her head, he guided her down to the steps and knelt on a lower one to lean over her. For the second time in a day and a half, Kate found herself blanketed by the body of her partner, swaddled in his warmth as she wept. He may not have had her pressed up against a car this time, and he didn’t attempt to muffle her cries, but everything else was the same. His firm but gentle hands, running through her hair and holding her close. His soft words spoken against her skin, apologies and pleas lulling her into a calmer sadness. Just as she had before, she reached for his face, that extra touch enough to keep her together when she felt like she was shattering beneath him.
Any lingering anger from their fight was forgotten in the sorrow that had harnessed them now. Castle applied his body to hers like a salve, seeping into her deepest wounds. He really did know her, and that connection both comforted and terrified her. She closed her eyes and absorbed him; all the light in his heart that fought the darkness in hers.
Kate wasn’t sure how long he held her there, but she had finally regained some control over her breathing and only a few stray tears slid down her face. When she thought she was brave enough, she met his eyes, her palm still covering his cheek. It was a mistake; the swirl of adoration and protectiveness was almost enough to break her again. She inhaled deeply to ground herself, slowly running her thumb over his lips as she exhaled. Castle placed the smallest of kisses on her thumb, seemingly surprising them both. She made no attempt to release herself from his embrace.
There were only a few inches separating them, but he closed the remaining distance and began to erase the salty trace of her tears with his lips. He was so tender, nuzzling her as he continued to mumble reassurances that sounded a lot like love. Kate slid her hand to the back of his head, holding him to her as she felt his warm breath on her face, her body responding with a sudden stir low in her belly. When Castle’s mouth found the soft spot just below her ear, she couldn’t help but moan; he jerked back at the sound, staring down at her with dangerously dark eyes.
“Beckett, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to---You have Josh.“
She cut him off with a finger to his lips and shook her head. “I don’t anymore.”
The moment was broken, a time out taken. He had paused in his confusion, and though his arms were still supporting her weight against the stairs, she knew she could untangle them and send him home. It would probably be best. She was a mess and Castle didn’t need to witness any more of that than he already had. And they hadn’t really kissed yet, his attention focused everywhere but her mouth, so it wasn’t too late. But she felt so safe there, surrounded by him.
She was at war with herself, logic and emotion colliding in familiar chaos. Kate had long ago given up any notion that she wasn’t falling in love with the writer, but the thought of acting on her desire made her heart skid to a painful stop. Still, Castle was right, they don’t talk about this. Any of it. And with her defenses gently sedated by grief and exhaustion, perhaps a swift decision was the only way to overcome the fear. She did the one thing that would change everything and nothing; she lifted her head and let her lips press against his.
Her hand moved again, long fingers carding through his hair and ensuring that he didn’t pull away as she made a silent request with the tip of her tongue. He didn’t hesitate to welcome her inside and Kate thanked him with a hum from somewhere far away. Everything was perfectly slow, a thorough exploration that they had been denied in a dark alley. It was simultaneously arousing and calming and she was sure she could stay lost in the sensation forever.
“Kate?”
So much for that thought.
She looked up at him, concerned when he let go of her and stood up with a grimace. But when his smile took over, he extended his hand to her. Oh, god, he had been kneeling on the stone steps that entire time. The poor, perfect man.
With a relieved laugh, she accepted his help and was welcomed into his arms once again. Castle kissed the top of her head, then moved down to her temple, across her cheek, and back to her mouth. Her lips parted for him this time and they danced…tasted…savored. Kate let her hands roam his back, surprisingly solid beneath her fingers. Barely breaking their kiss, she walked them toward the wall, stopping only when they had run out of room. She didn’t hesitate to push herself against him, aligning every curve and angle of their bodies like they belonged together. And maybe they did.
Castle’s confidence bolstered hers. He had always been so sure of her and she was glad to finally be worthy of his faith. To celebrate this moment with him, even if it had been her tears that had thrust them across their precarious threshold. His tongue trailed along roof of her mouth, sending a charged tremble through her body, her core awakened. Kate retaliated by capturing it and sucking lightly, before letting go and rolling his lower lip between hers. He moaned and pulled her closer than should have been possible; she gasped at the contact and the growing evidence of his interest in her. The pronounced bulge and the thundering of his heart might have scared her on a different day, but now she simply ached with longing.
They stayed there, kissing and caressing against the wall of her apartment, for longer than she could have imagined. Castle trailed his hands down her sides, the warmth from his palms crawling under her skin, searing her when they landed just above the curve of her ass. When his mouth left hers, he found her ear, flicking the lobe with the tip of his tongue. Kate tilted her head and gave him room to tug her turtleneck aside, allowing him to nip and suck along her neck as she pressed her hips further into his. He groaned, and the vibration of the sound combined with the heat of his kiss caused her knees to buckle. Something about her sudden movement had him pulling away, an unwelcome return to reality; they both attempted to catch their breaths.
He sighed and broke the blessed silence. “Kate, I really want to be here with you, and stopping this may be the worst decision of my life. But neither of us has slept and the next few days are going to be incredibly difficult. If you want, I can---“
“Yes, stay. Please.” She would have cringed at the desperation in her voice if it hadn’t been the most honest thing she had said to him in days. Still, she lowered her voice to a whisper, as if the lack of volume could act as a shield against her vulnerability. “I can get you some blankets and a pillow for the couch.”
If Castle was disappointed at being relegated to the living room, he didn’t show it. If anything, she sensed relief, the short hallway and a closed door enough of a barrier to dull the spark between them to a softly glowing ember. When she returned with everything he’d need, he had taken off his jacket and shoes and looked at her warmly. Kate tucked herself under his chin one more time, and he wrapped his arms around her waist to hold her close.
“Thank you, Castle.”
“Always. No matter what happens between us, I’m here always.”
Kate looked up with grateful eyes and brought her mouth to his for one more kiss. As they separated, he rubbed his nose against her cheek and closed his eyes. It looked like he was debating what to say next. “Let’s get through the funeral. Everything else can wait until after.”
She knew there was more, but she let it go.
“Yeah. After.”
*****
A/N: A big thank you to lazylions for helping me work through this fic. Your guidance and encouragement were exactly what I needed.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2400
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Summary: "Eyes wide, Kate stayed still, watching his back and praying to a long-forgotten deity that he would just keep going. That he would be merciful and overlook the cries that poured from her lips without invitation. But Castle had spent more than two years pointedly not ignoring her and she supposed it was too much to hope for now." One-shot set toward the end of Knockout (3x24).
The sun was rising by the time Ryan and Esposito gathered their jackets and keys and slipped somberly from her apartment. Kate welcomed the sharp thud of the closing door behind them; it kept her separated from that world a little longer. A world in which her friend and mentor had betrayed her. A world in which her captain had been the catalyst of her mother’s death. A world in which Roy Montgomery no longer lived.
Not that she was doing that much better locked within her eclectically-decorated walls, but at least she had been able to focus on damage control with her team. The boys had rushed to the hangar as soon as they got the call, and followed her to the apartment once the preliminary interviews had been conducted and she and Castle had been released. The four of them had gathered in her living room and fumbled their way through the grief and anger, Kate insisting that Captain Montgomery be remembered as a hero. The pre-dawn hours were filled with conspiracy details (the few they had), plans for Evelyn and the kids, and a tentative agreement to celebrate Montgomery’s life at The Old Haunt after the funeral.
Now, she bolted the door behind them and turned to find an unusually quiet Castle still seated in one of her chairs, his elbows resting on his knees and his head cradled by his hands. Only 36 hours had passed since their fight, a tangle of truth and cowardice, but Beckett didn’t have the energy for a repeat performance. And, if she were being honest with herself, she was grateful that he had so faithfully come at her captain’s call; without his blind loyalty, she knew she’d be dead.
As Kate stood in the entryway, watching him from beneath her furrowed brow, she thought back to their argument. Castle had tried to use her dad and Josh as obstacles to her crusade, and she had responded with a challenge. A childish game of chicken. She had wanted to push him into admitting that they were more than friends, so that she could follow with a confession of her own; she had broken up with Josh upon returning from Los Angeles. Instead, he backed off, deflected her questions, and then called her on her shit. The palpable fear had caused her to end the fight rather than countering him with accusations of her own. He had left without a word. She had cried herself to sleep.
Castle surprised her by standing up, shaking her from her reverie. He mumbled something about leaving her alone and getting some sleep, brushing past her as he made his way to the door. Kate had never known him to leave her so willingly, but nothing about the past two days had been normal. And the last time he had been in her apartment, she had thrown him out, so he probably thought he was just saving her the trouble of doing it again. She truly didn’t know if he was right.
He reached for the handle and she kept her distance, words unable to work their way around the sudden lump in her throat. She had been so careful to keep her emotions in check while her team processed the nights’ events, but now they were rushing to the surface, sensing an escape route in her impending solitude. Kate swallowed uncomfortably, desperate to hold on for another 30 seconds. Just long enough for Castle to close the door behind him and leave her in peace. She needed to be alone for this. An inevitable breakdown.
Her broken heart had a different plan.
A painful sob broke free from somewhere deep in her chest, the noise finding its way through the fingers clasped hurriedly over her mouth. Eyes wide, Kate stayed still, watching his back and praying to a long-forgotten deity that he would just keep going. That he would be merciful and overlook the cries that poured from her lips without invitation. But Castle had spent more than two years pointedly not ignoring her and she supposed it was too much to hope for now.
He froze with his hand on the door. She closed her eyes; she didn’t need to see him to know he was coming for her. The tears were streaming from behind her eyelids and she took a couple of slow steps backward, as if there were anywhere to hide. When his strong hands fell onto her shoulders, holding her in place, it came as no surprise. It wasn’t until he pulled her toward him for a closer embrace that she fought him, flattening her palms against his chest and pushing back.
“Castle, go home.”
She opened her eyes just in time to see the flash of hurt in his. He shook his head and was so quiet when he spoke that she had to strain to hear him. “Not a chance, Beckett. Not now.”
He moved into her space again, and Kate met him with another backward step of her own; it was a dance they had been doing since they met. Her tears were coming steadily enough to cause her to stumble, but Castle caught her and wrapped his arms around her back. This time when she struggled against him, he was prepared for it and held her tighter, leaning forward to whisper in her ear.
“Breathe, Beckett. I’ve got you, but you have to breathe.”
He carefully walked her toward her stairs, as she gasped for air. With one arm around her waist and the other cradling her head, he guided her down to the steps and knelt on a lower one to lean over her. For the second time in a day and a half, Kate found herself blanketed by the body of her partner, swaddled in his warmth as she wept. He may not have had her pressed up against a car this time, and he didn’t attempt to muffle her cries, but everything else was the same. His firm but gentle hands, running through her hair and holding her close. His soft words spoken against her skin, apologies and pleas lulling her into a calmer sadness. Just as she had before, she reached for his face, that extra touch enough to keep her together when she felt like she was shattering beneath him.
Any lingering anger from their fight was forgotten in the sorrow that had harnessed them now. Castle applied his body to hers like a salve, seeping into her deepest wounds. He really did know her, and that connection both comforted and terrified her. She closed her eyes and absorbed him; all the light in his heart that fought the darkness in hers.
Kate wasn’t sure how long he held her there, but she had finally regained some control over her breathing and only a few stray tears slid down her face. When she thought she was brave enough, she met his eyes, her palm still covering his cheek. It was a mistake; the swirl of adoration and protectiveness was almost enough to break her again. She inhaled deeply to ground herself, slowly running her thumb over his lips as she exhaled. Castle placed the smallest of kisses on her thumb, seemingly surprising them both. She made no attempt to release herself from his embrace.
There were only a few inches separating them, but he closed the remaining distance and began to erase the salty trace of her tears with his lips. He was so tender, nuzzling her as he continued to mumble reassurances that sounded a lot like love. Kate slid her hand to the back of his head, holding him to her as she felt his warm breath on her face, her body responding with a sudden stir low in her belly. When Castle’s mouth found the soft spot just below her ear, she couldn’t help but moan; he jerked back at the sound, staring down at her with dangerously dark eyes.
“Beckett, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to---You have Josh.“
She cut him off with a finger to his lips and shook her head. “I don’t anymore.”
The moment was broken, a time out taken. He had paused in his confusion, and though his arms were still supporting her weight against the stairs, she knew she could untangle them and send him home. It would probably be best. She was a mess and Castle didn’t need to witness any more of that than he already had. And they hadn’t really kissed yet, his attention focused everywhere but her mouth, so it wasn’t too late. But she felt so safe there, surrounded by him.
She was at war with herself, logic and emotion colliding in familiar chaos. Kate had long ago given up any notion that she wasn’t falling in love with the writer, but the thought of acting on her desire made her heart skid to a painful stop. Still, Castle was right, they don’t talk about this. Any of it. And with her defenses gently sedated by grief and exhaustion, perhaps a swift decision was the only way to overcome the fear. She did the one thing that would change everything and nothing; she lifted her head and let her lips press against his.
Her hand moved again, long fingers carding through his hair and ensuring that he didn’t pull away as she made a silent request with the tip of her tongue. He didn’t hesitate to welcome her inside and Kate thanked him with a hum from somewhere far away. Everything was perfectly slow, a thorough exploration that they had been denied in a dark alley. It was simultaneously arousing and calming and she was sure she could stay lost in the sensation forever.
“Kate?”
So much for that thought.
She looked up at him, concerned when he let go of her and stood up with a grimace. But when his smile took over, he extended his hand to her. Oh, god, he had been kneeling on the stone steps that entire time. The poor, perfect man.
With a relieved laugh, she accepted his help and was welcomed into his arms once again. Castle kissed the top of her head, then moved down to her temple, across her cheek, and back to her mouth. Her lips parted for him this time and they danced…tasted…savored. Kate let her hands roam his back, surprisingly solid beneath her fingers. Barely breaking their kiss, she walked them toward the wall, stopping only when they had run out of room. She didn’t hesitate to push herself against him, aligning every curve and angle of their bodies like they belonged together. And maybe they did.
Castle’s confidence bolstered hers. He had always been so sure of her and she was glad to finally be worthy of his faith. To celebrate this moment with him, even if it had been her tears that had thrust them across their precarious threshold. His tongue trailed along roof of her mouth, sending a charged tremble through her body, her core awakened. Kate retaliated by capturing it and sucking lightly, before letting go and rolling his lower lip between hers. He moaned and pulled her closer than should have been possible; she gasped at the contact and the growing evidence of his interest in her. The pronounced bulge and the thundering of his heart might have scared her on a different day, but now she simply ached with longing.
They stayed there, kissing and caressing against the wall of her apartment, for longer than she could have imagined. Castle trailed his hands down her sides, the warmth from his palms crawling under her skin, searing her when they landed just above the curve of her ass. When his mouth left hers, he found her ear, flicking the lobe with the tip of his tongue. Kate tilted her head and gave him room to tug her turtleneck aside, allowing him to nip and suck along her neck as she pressed her hips further into his. He groaned, and the vibration of the sound combined with the heat of his kiss caused her knees to buckle. Something about her sudden movement had him pulling away, an unwelcome return to reality; they both attempted to catch their breaths.
He sighed and broke the blessed silence. “Kate, I really want to be here with you, and stopping this may be the worst decision of my life. But neither of us has slept and the next few days are going to be incredibly difficult. If you want, I can---“
“Yes, stay. Please.” She would have cringed at the desperation in her voice if it hadn’t been the most honest thing she had said to him in days. Still, she lowered her voice to a whisper, as if the lack of volume could act as a shield against her vulnerability. “I can get you some blankets and a pillow for the couch.”
If Castle was disappointed at being relegated to the living room, he didn’t show it. If anything, she sensed relief, the short hallway and a closed door enough of a barrier to dull the spark between them to a softly glowing ember. When she returned with everything he’d need, he had taken off his jacket and shoes and looked at her warmly. Kate tucked herself under his chin one more time, and he wrapped his arms around her waist to hold her close.
“Thank you, Castle.”
“Always. No matter what happens between us, I’m here always.”
Kate looked up with grateful eyes and brought her mouth to his for one more kiss. As they separated, he rubbed his nose against her cheek and closed his eyes. It looked like he was debating what to say next. “Let’s get through the funeral. Everything else can wait until after.”
She knew there was more, but she let it go.
“Yeah. After.”
*****
A/N: A big thank you to lazylions for helping me work through this fic. Your guidance and encouragement were exactly what I needed.