(no subject)
I need a good cry.
And it's not that I've really got any specific reason for it. It's just I haven't had one in so long. The kind where everything is just... out. And then everything that's ever gone wrong hits you all at once, and it feels so bad it's good. I feel trapped inside myself. There have been a few times where I've felt it coming. It's like standing at the edge of something... I can feel it there. I know I need to take the fall eventually, but I just can't. It's always the wrong time. During dinner, or when I'm in class. There are people around. And of course, there's the issue that if I'm aware of the impending break down, it disappears. Instantly. I don't feel SAD. I think that's the issue. I just feel... empty.
And I feel directionless. I don't have the FAINTEST idea of what I want to do with my life. It changes from moment to moment, and it all happens so fast I can't even pin down my fucking DREAMS anymore. I can't think about anything with analyzing it to death. I want things to be right with so many people, but then I just get overwhelmed... because there are SO MANY good people in my life and I can't keep up with them all. I can't give them the love they deserve because I just get distracted. I get distracted by everything now. I haven't felt legitimately focused in months. I sort of wonder if I EVER have been. I wish I could just find a passion. A true one. Something do-able. And then just... follow it. Instead, I get these brief flashes and think, "Ah, this must be what it would feel like if I were normal. And I had an interest that lasted. And I could follow through. For ONCE in my life."
Things have gone wrong with the friend group. Everyone is fighting, or awkward. I feel this need to help fix things, but I think that most of the time I just aggravate them. I want to get to KNOW people, but everyone is so sensitive that I feel like every time I do, someone feels left out. I want to meet new people, without abandoning the group I am in now. I want to do well in classes, but at this point I feel so crippled by my lack of academic self esteem it has begun to consume the rest of my life. I hate feeling stupid. And I always do. I hate disliking myself. And I always do. I should just CHANGE it. But it's so difficult when changing something requires completely revising the way that you think about things.
I STILL let the little things get to me. One little action can ruin a day, or week even. When did I stop being able to just assume people liked me or at least felt neutral towards me? Right now, I just... can't.
It's not even that I'm unhappy most of the time. If I keep busy, I'm fine. It's just... when I stop. When I THINK about where I am as a person, where I am headed... That everything falls apart. Nothing makes sense.
And it's not that I've really got any specific reason for it. It's just I haven't had one in so long. The kind where everything is just... out. And then everything that's ever gone wrong hits you all at once, and it feels so bad it's good. I feel trapped inside myself. There have been a few times where I've felt it coming. It's like standing at the edge of something... I can feel it there. I know I need to take the fall eventually, but I just can't. It's always the wrong time. During dinner, or when I'm in class. There are people around. And of course, there's the issue that if I'm aware of the impending break down, it disappears. Instantly. I don't feel SAD. I think that's the issue. I just feel... empty.
And I feel directionless. I don't have the FAINTEST idea of what I want to do with my life. It changes from moment to moment, and it all happens so fast I can't even pin down my fucking DREAMS anymore. I can't think about anything with analyzing it to death. I want things to be right with so many people, but then I just get overwhelmed... because there are SO MANY good people in my life and I can't keep up with them all. I can't give them the love they deserve because I just get distracted. I get distracted by everything now. I haven't felt legitimately focused in months. I sort of wonder if I EVER have been. I wish I could just find a passion. A true one. Something do-able. And then just... follow it. Instead, I get these brief flashes and think, "Ah, this must be what it would feel like if I were normal. And I had an interest that lasted. And I could follow through. For ONCE in my life."
Things have gone wrong with the friend group. Everyone is fighting, or awkward. I feel this need to help fix things, but I think that most of the time I just aggravate them. I want to get to KNOW people, but everyone is so sensitive that I feel like every time I do, someone feels left out. I want to meet new people, without abandoning the group I am in now. I want to do well in classes, but at this point I feel so crippled by my lack of academic self esteem it has begun to consume the rest of my life. I hate feeling stupid. And I always do. I hate disliking myself. And I always do. I should just CHANGE it. But it's so difficult when changing something requires completely revising the way that you think about things.
I STILL let the little things get to me. One little action can ruin a day, or week even. When did I stop being able to just assume people liked me or at least felt neutral towards me? Right now, I just... can't.
It's not even that I'm unhappy most of the time. If I keep busy, I'm fine. It's just... when I stop. When I THINK about where I am as a person, where I am headed... That everything falls apart. Nothing makes sense.