(no subject)
It's been an odd couple of days.
I have been thinking so much over the past few days, that right now, I'm not certain I will make it through the Art History exam tomorrow without being dragged off sobbing and screaming vulgarities.
And it has not really been that much thought about Physics, the exam which I so elegantly flunked today.
Mostly, I have been thinking about myself. About who I really am, and how people perceive me, and how very different the two are. Thinking this much is just not a pleasant thing, but I can't seem stop myself. Every thought that pops into my head seems to need analyzing, and so my mind goes off on it's own, and classifies the thought as kind, or selfish, or stupid. Frankly, I just wish I had a little off button.
I realized during my critique today why I hate receiving compliments. Alright, I don't hate it, but it does make me squirm. And so, when BJ started talking about how I am "very bright" and how I "never really work up to my potential", I did the thing I always do when I feel uncomfortable: I smiled. Really though, the part about my potential is probably true. I don't apply myself fully to anything really. It's just the way I am. It's like a habit or something. But I don't consider myself exceptionally intelligent. If I were, I would be able to pull off decent grades without trying. And I would be able to write a coherent English essay without having a mini internal meltdown.
I'm not sure why I've been feeling so negative lately. I try so hard to be mature and suck it up and make myself think POSITIVE DAMMIT, but I just can't get anywhere. Whenever I seem to be overcoming a poor mood, or a negative train of thought, something stops me from feeling better. It's almost as if I enjoy it. And that thought just disturbs me. I don't want to slip into angst mode extreme again. I HATE THAT. It is not fun. It seems though, that I am well on my way.
I'm hoping that once exams end, and I have some time to unwind, everything will become clear again. For now, all I can do is sit tight and shut up. It's better that way.
I have been thinking so much over the past few days, that right now, I'm not certain I will make it through the Art History exam tomorrow without being dragged off sobbing and screaming vulgarities.
And it has not really been that much thought about Physics, the exam which I so elegantly flunked today.
Mostly, I have been thinking about myself. About who I really am, and how people perceive me, and how very different the two are. Thinking this much is just not a pleasant thing, but I can't seem stop myself. Every thought that pops into my head seems to need analyzing, and so my mind goes off on it's own, and classifies the thought as kind, or selfish, or stupid. Frankly, I just wish I had a little off button.
I realized during my critique today why I hate receiving compliments. Alright, I don't hate it, but it does make me squirm. And so, when BJ started talking about how I am "very bright" and how I "never really work up to my potential", I did the thing I always do when I feel uncomfortable: I smiled. Really though, the part about my potential is probably true. I don't apply myself fully to anything really. It's just the way I am. It's like a habit or something. But I don't consider myself exceptionally intelligent. If I were, I would be able to pull off decent grades without trying. And I would be able to write a coherent English essay without having a mini internal meltdown.
I'm not sure why I've been feeling so negative lately. I try so hard to be mature and suck it up and make myself think POSITIVE DAMMIT, but I just can't get anywhere. Whenever I seem to be overcoming a poor mood, or a negative train of thought, something stops me from feeling better. It's almost as if I enjoy it. And that thought just disturbs me. I don't want to slip into angst mode extreme again. I HATE THAT. It is not fun. It seems though, that I am well on my way.
I'm hoping that once exams end, and I have some time to unwind, everything will become clear again. For now, all I can do is sit tight and shut up. It's better that way.