How did this happen to me?
I CANNOT right now. I just...WHY?! Why are men so selfish?? How can someone be so utterly amazing and horrid at the same time?! I want to kill him and never let him go at the same time! I don't even know...I've been thinking of nothing else all day, my head is swimming!
He called me, yesterday, saying he was going to be gone for two years, joining the Peace Corps and all. Which I was rather depressed about, but happy for him. He really needs to find something to do with his life because it's been nothing but shit for him. And yeah, I was like "That's great" and he said he was coming to Massachusetts before he left to visit family. He'll be leaving whenever they accept him/find a place for him. It could be one month, it could be three. He doesn't know. I told him that I HAD to see him before he left. It's been almost three years since I've seen him, and I cannot last another two. He said of course, and then went to help his grandmother with something.
I go to bed thinking about us meeting and maybe if I should kiss him before he goes. Just because. I don't know exactly why my mind went there, but he's just always been there and I would be stupid to say I don't have feelings beyond friendship for him. I feel entirely comfortable with him; we've gone 6 months without speaking (for no reason really, just busy) and then jumped back into things like no time had passed. Do you know how often that happens to me with people? RARELY. There's only one other person I know who I can do that with, and I've known her since she was born (1 year and 2 days after me) and that's all different. And the point is, I WANT to kiss him. I mean, the thought of kissing disgusts me and yet it doesn't when I think of him. HIM. Of all people! The guy who drinks himself to death and loves sex more than food.
And I woke up today wondering if Sherlock found out what "Nightshade" meant (and by Sherlock I mean Bri, obviously, and our little texting RP thing) and I picked up my phone and saw I had some texts. I opened them and I find one from him. I was like, okay. AND THEN I READ IT. And I started crying. Like, legit. I just laid there looking up at my MRC and Blink-182 posters like "What is happening in my life?" The text?
You know something Heaven. I leave soon so I don't care anymore. I'm crazy about you and have wanted to date you for awhile. Your amazing in so many ways.
Even just typing this, I am feeling like
I mean, I get it. I've known he liked me, it was no secret. I like him to, but he never blatantly told me that before. Never. Not like that. I thought he was drunk. But he wasn't. And I don't know what to do about this!! I would date him in a heartbeat, I would kiss him and not feel grossed out and I just KNOW THIS, and hell, I don't even think I would keep myself from sleeping with him. And I'm just like...GOD. I don't know! I need to call him so we can talk about this but then I don't want to like break down crying on the phone with him, which I feel like I would do right now. I need...I don't know what I need. I need a mom right now. I need a mom to tell me what to do. I need a mom to just let me cry and tell me that life will work itself out and that I won't be pining after this guy while he's gone for two years and I'll be able to think of other guys and do other things. GOD, I just need so much. I'm needy right now and I don't even care. I just don't, I need a mom, I need HIM, I need to figure things out.
He called me, yesterday, saying he was going to be gone for two years, joining the Peace Corps and all. Which I was rather depressed about, but happy for him. He really needs to find something to do with his life because it's been nothing but shit for him. And yeah, I was like "That's great" and he said he was coming to Massachusetts before he left to visit family. He'll be leaving whenever they accept him/find a place for him. It could be one month, it could be three. He doesn't know. I told him that I HAD to see him before he left. It's been almost three years since I've seen him, and I cannot last another two. He said of course, and then went to help his grandmother with something.
I go to bed thinking about us meeting and maybe if I should kiss him before he goes. Just because. I don't know exactly why my mind went there, but he's just always been there and I would be stupid to say I don't have feelings beyond friendship for him. I feel entirely comfortable with him; we've gone 6 months without speaking (for no reason really, just busy) and then jumped back into things like no time had passed. Do you know how often that happens to me with people? RARELY. There's only one other person I know who I can do that with, and I've known her since she was born (1 year and 2 days after me) and that's all different. And the point is, I WANT to kiss him. I mean, the thought of kissing disgusts me and yet it doesn't when I think of him. HIM. Of all people! The guy who drinks himself to death and loves sex more than food.
And I woke up today wondering if Sherlock found out what "Nightshade" meant (and by Sherlock I mean Bri, obviously, and our little texting RP thing) and I picked up my phone and saw I had some texts. I opened them and I find one from him. I was like, okay. AND THEN I READ IT. And I started crying. Like, legit. I just laid there looking up at my MRC and Blink-182 posters like "What is happening in my life?" The text?
You know something Heaven. I leave soon so I don't care anymore. I'm crazy about you and have wanted to date you for awhile. Your amazing in so many ways.
Even just typing this, I am feeling like
I mean, I get it. I've known he liked me, it was no secret. I like him to, but he never blatantly told me that before. Never. Not like that. I thought he was drunk. But he wasn't. And I don't know what to do about this!! I would date him in a heartbeat, I would kiss him and not feel grossed out and I just KNOW THIS, and hell, I don't even think I would keep myself from sleeping with him. And I'm just like...GOD. I don't know! I need to call him so we can talk about this but then I don't want to like break down crying on the phone with him, which I feel like I would do right now. I need...I don't know what I need. I need a mom right now. I need a mom to tell me what to do. I need a mom to just let me cry and tell me that life will work itself out and that I won't be pining after this guy while he's gone for two years and I'll be able to think of other guys and do other things. GOD, I just need so much. I'm needy right now and I don't even care. I just don't, I need a mom, I need HIM, I need to figure things out.