so wierd
I haven't written in her in like how many large amount of weeks it has been. i just found this looking in old emails from me and my ex. wierd how things change. i think that ive changed as a person. i mean my life is somewhat more and less complicated. i think it gets more complicated tho day by day. the boy that i made all the love entrys about turned out to be a asshole. and the friends i had turned out to be stupid. ive made a lot of changes. but i still let that one boy hurt me. but being a changed person. i finally ended a relationship before it even started ha. i almost died about a month and a half ago. so i dont take life for granted anymore. i see guys as just guys. i dont want relationships or anything a long those lines. i just want a good time. and all i want in a friend is a good listener and a good hand holder. i think i am going to move out soon and try to explore my life on my own. its time for me to grow up and move on. i have to let some things go that ive been holding on to for too long. so im making my first stop on my adventure to the one man that hurt me most, carl. letting people go hurts a lot but i finally get over it. sometimes when they let me go i think it kind of stings a little for them aswell. i got to finally meet up with tyler after a year of not talking. but i still didnt get any answers. so i learned in life if you cant get answers easily there not worth hearing. i think i think my best alone. ive made a lot of decisions in cars. and in rooms. sometimes people come and go . and emotions go flying out the window. but im still here. like pieces of me just change they never leave. so maybe thats why when people want to come back in my life i will always have that spot that they took a vacation from. my grandpa died last january. i think that that changed me the most. too see one get so cold infront of you. to see the life escape from their eyes. is like a dagger through the heart. a blank moment in a manic room. a sound of silence at a concert. and a drop of rain on a sunny day. he died happily tho. his hands got colder than anything ive touch. its hard to say a goodbye when you no the goodbye will never turn into a hello again. i still look up at the sky and i swear i can smell his after shave. either someone is wearing it. or its just maybe what i want to smell. i have his favorite shirt that even tho ive washed it a milltion times still has a scent. i am always told to throw it out and just buy a new one cause theres holes in it. but i mean i think when i wear it i complete the holes. and its just me and my papas shirt. ive learned this new theory on how to deal with things. and thats talking. people talk everyday. but not a lot of people really use their voice. and ive learned to use mine. when i want something i say it. when i dont i voice it. and when im just mad i just say everything i feel all at once. even if it may be like a million different things. sometimes i voice too much. but thats another story. music is still my life its the best escape to make from my whole life. and the things around me. i mean if you truly think about it. who or what or where would we be without it. its like whenever you whistle. thats music. whenever you tap your feet or clap your hands. thats music. honks of cars music. even the sound that the fishes make when they jump out of the water. is some form of music. ha theres music all around us. if i could donate my hearing for a little whiile. to people who cant hear at all. like if that was insanly possible i would donate it. to let people hear the amazing sounds that this world makes. even if you just stand outside in the dead silence you hear some little noise that turns into a symphony. but thats music. i try not to stress out that much about people anymore. i cant control everyone. especially the ones i love. my mom is really sick. and im not a prayer kind of person but i pray for her. cause you can never watch the person that gave you life want to give up on theres. if i could give my happiness to her i would in a heart beat. but i cant and the reality is its not possible. but hopefully in time she will be happy. everyone wants to see her happy. i remember always running to my mom with my problems. and always looking at her face everytime i did something stupid with pills. but as many faces as she would give me. i was glad to see her face. i only remember seeing her face once the night i almost died. a worried look on a pale face i couldnt do anything but just lay there and pray to see a smile on a happy face. so now i have to give her a happy face to look at. maybe when she says some stupid things she doesnt mean. i give her the same face she gave me. or the same stare. or the same way too long of a hug that you wish would never end. but thats that. im trying to stay happy for good. or for however long i can win this battle. so far im winning. i havent felt this happy in a while. i have my down days but everybody does. sometimes i sit and wonder why all the bad stuff that has happened to me happened. and why me and why not someone else. and when my mom started getting sick. i was like thats why. cause i can deal with me being sick. but i cant deal with others being sick. i need strong people around me so i can deal with my life with barriers around the hard stuff. but i guess maybe this is a good thing for the both of us. we can both get strong together. i love her to death. so we need to get strong together weither she likes it or not. so i guess my life is still having some problems. but im happy and theres new faces and new challenges in it. and safe to say i wouldnt have it any other way.