(no subject)
Everything smelled messy. Everything smelled dusty, and the whole room felt somehow more brown. It was unnerving, to say the least, that this consumed the bulk of my thoughts. That smell of dust. That reeking fucking dust smell. It overpowered your senses, almost. I mentioned it on occasion to various friends, but they never seemed to notice anything the same way I did. They never smelled it. I guess I can’t really blame them, though. I used to not smell it either.
The day it all fell apart there was a fight. More of a contest to see who could yell louder. It wasn’t too bad. Just like another day. We made up and it was all better. But something had to be wrong, or else it wouldn’t have happened. On the back deck she admitted to him she hadn’t felt much like laughing lately. So he said he could try to change that.
That was almost two months ago now. They have long since been apart, well, as long as almost two months can be. She still goes over there, and she still calls him a “great friend.” And perhaps he is. I’m never there to see it, obviously.
But that smell got more and more potent as I entered the room, every single day after that. That smell of dry dust, and everything in the world settling down. It was the story of my life, in those particles. I had done all there was to do, or so I had thought, and it was time to lay down. Be peaceful. Let the dust fall where it may.
But I guess she thought differently.
She told me there was too much beauty in the world to do what I was doing. She said this after the 4th time. And roses started to burst from my forearm shortly thereafter. That was one of the few things I found beauty in. It was amazing, seeing everything come out like that. It was life everlasting in a few choice drops. And should I be the only one that share the nectar, then so be it. That was life.
I’m not sure where I went wrong. With the smell, I mean. It just got more and more concentrated as days went by. So I had to cover it.
With a jacket under and a pillow above, I covered that room in beauty. I made that room so lovely in my eyes that no one would ever notice the smell. That was my gift to everyone. I wanted everyone to know. I wanted the whole world to come and see what I had done. What I had sacrificed for the greater good. So that that dust may not fall on them.
The night before, she told me my lips tasted like medicine. I had to have something to kill the pain. One can’t be a martyr without help.
If you need beauty to go on, find it in this. I found a way out. I made my life beautiful. Even if I weren’t there to see it. And you can tell. From the pictures they took of me and the way they sold them to internet snuff sites. It’s all laid out in black and white. And where there was brown, now there’s red.
The day it all fell apart there was a fight. More of a contest to see who could yell louder. It wasn’t too bad. Just like another day. We made up and it was all better. But something had to be wrong, or else it wouldn’t have happened. On the back deck she admitted to him she hadn’t felt much like laughing lately. So he said he could try to change that.
That was almost two months ago now. They have long since been apart, well, as long as almost two months can be. She still goes over there, and she still calls him a “great friend.” And perhaps he is. I’m never there to see it, obviously.
But that smell got more and more potent as I entered the room, every single day after that. That smell of dry dust, and everything in the world settling down. It was the story of my life, in those particles. I had done all there was to do, or so I had thought, and it was time to lay down. Be peaceful. Let the dust fall where it may.
But I guess she thought differently.
She told me there was too much beauty in the world to do what I was doing. She said this after the 4th time. And roses started to burst from my forearm shortly thereafter. That was one of the few things I found beauty in. It was amazing, seeing everything come out like that. It was life everlasting in a few choice drops. And should I be the only one that share the nectar, then so be it. That was life.
I’m not sure where I went wrong. With the smell, I mean. It just got more and more concentrated as days went by. So I had to cover it.
With a jacket under and a pillow above, I covered that room in beauty. I made that room so lovely in my eyes that no one would ever notice the smell. That was my gift to everyone. I wanted everyone to know. I wanted the whole world to come and see what I had done. What I had sacrificed for the greater good. So that that dust may not fall on them.
The night before, she told me my lips tasted like medicine. I had to have something to kill the pain. One can’t be a martyr without help.
If you need beauty to go on, find it in this. I found a way out. I made my life beautiful. Even if I weren’t there to see it. And you can tell. From the pictures they took of me and the way they sold them to internet snuff sites. It’s all laid out in black and white. And where there was brown, now there’s red.