For Matt and Jessi (mostly)
The issue of communication within coupledom has come up. Here is my story, directed at Matt and Jessi but available to all as a learning device.
Patrick and I had several arguments shortly before we got married, all stemming from the fact that I felt he no longer communicated with me. He never responded to "how was your day?" or "what are you reading?" with more than a sentence or two.
This infuriated me. Specifically because of how we met, how we used to be. When we lived a couple thousand miles apart and it cost a fortune to talk we talked for hours. Literally hours almost every night. We wrote emails that crashed systems, and letters that took 2 stamps to mail. And the he moved in, and had nothing to say to me.
I felt that I bored him, or that he regretted moving here, or just felt life less worthwhile these days. I felt shut out, and lonely. I felt that I couldn't burden him with my day-to-day because it would just be whining to someone who'd lost even the desire to whine!
I still felt that when I married him. This is important. I still felt all of that, but thought I could live without him changing it, so long as I lived with him.
Then I bought a book. Yeah. A Dr. Laura book. That's right, I bought it, and I read it. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. And like 80% of all women who bought this book, I scoffed. I said "I'll read it for a laugh." without believing I'd learn anything.
Ask yourself this: Have you heard me mention a single fight with Patrick in the past year? There have been none. Not because we're perfect, and not because we agree on everything. HELL NO we don't. But there was only one bone of contention that I felt was worth fighting over and that was this lack of communication.
Well I've told you how I felt all that time, but here's how he felt. He felt that in the beginning sharing my irritation with day-to-day life was a way of bonding. He felt that I no longer needed that reassurance that he felt my pain. And he felt that I was shutting him out, too.
Of course he felt my pain. He was the one bearing it! He demonstrated his love for me by hearing my gripes without comment. And by sparing me the burden of his own gripes. He felt that I was no longer coming to him, seeking him out, on a daily basis. And that's true. I certainly didn't avoid him but it had been over a year since I went to where he was, curled into his lap, and talked about nothing. So he'd lost his reason for listening - the reward had been the physical closeness and the feeling that only he could make me feel better.
When I realized what I'D done to cut that bond, I cried. To him. In his arms. And when I asked him if that was truly why he didn't talk to me as much he didn't even have to think about it. Just nodded, and petted my head.
I don't talk any less these days, and he doesn't talk much more, but what gets said makes a lot more sense to each of us now. I know that when someone cuts him off and he says for the millionth time that the only thing he hates more than people is people in cars - it's communicating! It's just not GIRL communicating. And that's fine. That's good. That's what Ali and Martin and Heather are for! Patrick is for silently telling me that it's going to work out, that he loves me, and that the cookies are good.
Patrick and I had several arguments shortly before we got married, all stemming from the fact that I felt he no longer communicated with me. He never responded to "how was your day?" or "what are you reading?" with more than a sentence or two.
This infuriated me. Specifically because of how we met, how we used to be. When we lived a couple thousand miles apart and it cost a fortune to talk we talked for hours. Literally hours almost every night. We wrote emails that crashed systems, and letters that took 2 stamps to mail. And the he moved in, and had nothing to say to me.
I felt that I bored him, or that he regretted moving here, or just felt life less worthwhile these days. I felt shut out, and lonely. I felt that I couldn't burden him with my day-to-day because it would just be whining to someone who'd lost even the desire to whine!
I still felt that when I married him. This is important. I still felt all of that, but thought I could live without him changing it, so long as I lived with him.
Then I bought a book. Yeah. A Dr. Laura book. That's right, I bought it, and I read it. "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. And like 80% of all women who bought this book, I scoffed. I said "I'll read it for a laugh." without believing I'd learn anything.
Ask yourself this: Have you heard me mention a single fight with Patrick in the past year? There have been none. Not because we're perfect, and not because we agree on everything. HELL NO we don't. But there was only one bone of contention that I felt was worth fighting over and that was this lack of communication.
Well I've told you how I felt all that time, but here's how he felt. He felt that in the beginning sharing my irritation with day-to-day life was a way of bonding. He felt that I no longer needed that reassurance that he felt my pain. And he felt that I was shutting him out, too.
Of course he felt my pain. He was the one bearing it! He demonstrated his love for me by hearing my gripes without comment. And by sparing me the burden of his own gripes. He felt that I was no longer coming to him, seeking him out, on a daily basis. And that's true. I certainly didn't avoid him but it had been over a year since I went to where he was, curled into his lap, and talked about nothing. So he'd lost his reason for listening - the reward had been the physical closeness and the feeling that only he could make me feel better.
When I realized what I'D done to cut that bond, I cried. To him. In his arms. And when I asked him if that was truly why he didn't talk to me as much he didn't even have to think about it. Just nodded, and petted my head.
I don't talk any less these days, and he doesn't talk much more, but what gets said makes a lot more sense to each of us now. I know that when someone cuts him off and he says for the millionth time that the only thing he hates more than people is people in cars - it's communicating! It's just not GIRL communicating. And that's fine. That's good. That's what Ali and Martin and Heather are for! Patrick is for silently telling me that it's going to work out, that he loves me, and that the cookies are good.