Breakdown, go ahead and give it to me...

[cassiopaya]

I've been holding a lot in lately.  Too much.  I can usually get in a quick cry in the car, the shower, or bed before I have to stamp it down.  Been thinking a lot about dying, about being dead, and how I would do it.  I am a disappointment to myself and tonight amidst the ruins of my life I finally broke down.  My sobs were as visceral as vomit.  I howled, gasped for breath, I doubled over from the force of it.  It wasn't pretty, it was all spit and snot and salt.  This grief over everything is killing me.  I couldn't put a stopper on it, it had to come out.  It took two hours - not nearly long enough - but I feel a little emptier now.  I'm exhausted, but my grief is restless.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.