(no subject)
The past 24 hours have been a blur. I am sitting here writing this hoping that the words I search for come to me. I wish I could go back in time and not have changed my mind. Maybe things would not have turned out this way. What if I had gone with the plan for her to wait for me until I got out of school? Would this have happened? I have dug into my memory and tried to remember every single thing I could about her. Every conversation we had, every fun thing we did, every time we did something stupid, every night when we would serenade each other with "My heart will go on" after we got done watching Titanic. All these memories and I still feel so empty. I cannot believe this. I'm still half expecting to hear my phone play oxycotton and her to tell me to shut up and quit singing and that I should never leave my day job. Even though I have only known Chase a few months, I feel like our friendship lasted a lifetime. Once she told me I was the sister she never had. At the time, I agreed. We argued about borrowing each others clothes and who was gonna let the dogs in the house. Now, I realize it is not just the physical things like that. Our late night talks of boys, and deep life thoughts. Our constant trips to Sonic and purple cow. And lately it was Wendy's for the fruit bowls that we were supposed to share but she would wind up eating the whole thing before I got any. Chase was one of my best friends. I don't think this was supposed to happen, although God disagrees. Chase was beautiful, smart, funny, and one of the most sincere people I knew. She was completely generous and willing to do anything if you needed her too. You think everything is perfect, or as close to perfect as things can be in life. Then something like this happens, and it is a huge reality check. What if you leave one of your friends without saying I love you, or being on bad terms. I have realize now that I don't tell my friends I love you enough. To many times I leave my house on bad terms with my parents. Life is something that is unpredictable. Today I was supposed to vacuum my whole house, clean all the bathrooms, and do all my laundry. Instead I rode to hot springs with my mom. She said, well at least you don't have to do your chores now. But, I would vacuum and clean bathrooms every day for the rest of my life if it meant this wouldn't have happened. I wish I could back and change the way things went. I wish I would have told her one last time that I loved her with all my heart. I wish I could back and instead of arguing over the same shirt, would have just let her wear it. I wish so many things. I wish I could comfort her mom. She has been like a mom to me for the past few months. I feel so helpless, because I know there is nothing to comfort the loss of a child. I wish she was not gone. Life changes so fast, in one moment, with one phone call, and you realize so many things don't matter. I wonder if she was scared, and this hurts my heart, because for a fleeting instant, I know she was more terrified than she ever had been in her life. I want to wail and scream every time I think of this. Because I would never want her to feel that, I never want my Chase to be scared. I know she is in a better place. And eventually all of us who were so close to her, our shock and pain will eventually turn into a dull ache, and eventually all we will have is memories of our beloved friend. I know that now the pain of losing her is greater than any I have experienced. I know it will get better with time. But right now, I miss my friend. Whenever we were in her car...she had this silver angel halo from the nutcracker, and I always felt compelled to wear it. I would put it on, roll the window down and pretend I was flying. However each time, Chase would tell me very bluntly,"Cassie, you stupid whore, I will be able to fly before you ever will." I would always argue. I wish I could have been the one to fly first. But now Chase, you can finally fly.
I miss you friend.
I miss you friend.