plain ole pain
i think that was a song of old. i dunno. anyway, im just bummed.
im 27 years old, and i feel like im 7...begging for my mothers love. you'd think i'd get the hint and just move on. but for some reason, i can't let go. i feel like she is so interested and involved with my sister, as it has always been, that there is no longer any room for the "other" daughter. me. same old story, just a different year. its the same old wound that never heals. and my sister, shes got a drama filled life. and im always the one who has to make the effort, i always have to call. i always have to write. and im sick of it, so i relaxed my efforts. and when we talk, its always "why dont you call, why dont you do this, why not do that?" im tired. i have a life too, granted its dull and boring compared to hers, but its mine. and i just feel like my family doesnt give a flying fuck about me. its rather lonely actually. there is some kind of hole inside of me where my parents used to be, and now...well, who knows. maybe someday it will go away. god knows they aren't ever going to be able to fill it again. its getting better. just, sometimes when i get off the phone with my mom i remember how much i feel like im missing out on. and i get jealous that my sister has never had to share her. stupid feelings for an adult. but, like i said, its getting better. you'd think id have some kind of complex or whatever, having the family i do. geesh, maybe i do...but, i think im doin alright. least i hope i am. lol. i have a very caring and nurturing mother in law, she has been there for me in a lot of ways. and im sure if i called her right now and just let loose about how im feeling shed listen and make me feel like its all going to be ok. shed tell me she loves me. and i know she does. ive been wanting to call her since i got off the phone with my mom.....i dont know why i havent done it yet. anyway, long story short. i just got off the phone with my mom. she is oblivious to the way she makes me feel, or so she acts. there is a distance between us more than geography, and i fear it will never remedy itself. even though we have never been close, drifting even further apart scares me. go figure. i really feel angry about it, and i think i will forever. i guess there are some things in life people cannot forgive, or forget.
im 27 years old, and i feel like im 7...begging for my mothers love. you'd think i'd get the hint and just move on. but for some reason, i can't let go. i feel like she is so interested and involved with my sister, as it has always been, that there is no longer any room for the "other" daughter. me. same old story, just a different year. its the same old wound that never heals. and my sister, shes got a drama filled life. and im always the one who has to make the effort, i always have to call. i always have to write. and im sick of it, so i relaxed my efforts. and when we talk, its always "why dont you call, why dont you do this, why not do that?" im tired. i have a life too, granted its dull and boring compared to hers, but its mine. and i just feel like my family doesnt give a flying fuck about me. its rather lonely actually. there is some kind of hole inside of me where my parents used to be, and now...well, who knows. maybe someday it will go away. god knows they aren't ever going to be able to fill it again. its getting better. just, sometimes when i get off the phone with my mom i remember how much i feel like im missing out on. and i get jealous that my sister has never had to share her. stupid feelings for an adult. but, like i said, its getting better. you'd think id have some kind of complex or whatever, having the family i do. geesh, maybe i do...but, i think im doin alright. least i hope i am. lol. i have a very caring and nurturing mother in law, she has been there for me in a lot of ways. and im sure if i called her right now and just let loose about how im feeling shed listen and make me feel like its all going to be ok. shed tell me she loves me. and i know she does. ive been wanting to call her since i got off the phone with my mom.....i dont know why i havent done it yet. anyway, long story short. i just got off the phone with my mom. she is oblivious to the way she makes me feel, or so she acts. there is a distance between us more than geography, and i fear it will never remedy itself. even though we have never been close, drifting even further apart scares me. go figure. i really feel angry about it, and i think i will forever. i guess there are some things in life people cannot forgive, or forget.