I should be happy, but I'm not.
Stupid fucking life.
If you didn't catch it on the way in, I should be happy with my life right now, but I'm not. I'm doing good in school, not as stressed out about academics as I was last year (MATH=SUCKS), and this time last year I was deep into my shit with my old group of friends, who weren't even really friends because I was just a whiny emo bitch. The pain I'm feeling right now is nothing compared to what I felt last year, but one year ago I was ten times more naive and emotionally ignorant than I am now. I've got my crowd of friends, but I still haven't really found that one wingman you stay close too at all times. Sometimes other people fucked up those chances for getting that wingman, sometimes I fucked the chances up. I'm single and back to searching for someone, but that makes me feel horrible because my last relationship was mostly screwed up be me. I'm going to Homecoming alone, which is probably just asking for me to be emotionally devastated, but I've got an extra ticket if anyone wants to come. On the plus side for my drama life, I stopped a feud awhile back (with the opposing side's cooperation, of course, but I'm taking credit for that one-I haven't been able to take credit for anything good in way too long, anyways). Overall, like I said, I should be happy, but I'm not.
And all of that only seems to make this hurt more.
It is for a stupid reason that I feel so hurt right now. Probably not even a legitamate one, at least not right now. But I know that something will happen. A mixture of lack of experience, irresponsibility, and lust will make something happen that shouldn't. Nothing that I'm directly involved with, but something that will crush me when it does happen. And it'll happen. I know it will. Or maybe I'm just very pessimistic right now. Whatever. In my eyes, this horrible devastating thing has already halfway happend. It is already enough to crush me, and me going to Homecoming (alone, of all things) is probably just asking to hurt myself for what I'll see there.
Some people don't know and/or don't care that their actions (or lack of actions) can hurt others severely. I'll leave my accusations at that. No need to start a war.
Of course, by putting this on text, I'm most likely just fucking up the situation more by bringing it to other's attention. Oh, well. That seems to be my specialty, lately.
What is my problem? I don't have anyone to look out for right now, first of all. I need someone to look out for or I don't feel right. I need to be consoling someone on how fucked up their life is at that moment. Not that I want any of my friend's lives to be fucked up right now-I just like actually feeling trusted every once in awhile. Trust is something that seems to be in short supply around here, lately.
I can think of maybe two people who really, actually trust me on a deep level right now, and one of them is just a guess. As for the other, I had to prove to that friend that I'm not a low-lying piece of scum that you wipe off your shoe after I screw you over. That just tends to happen to some people from me. But, do it to the wrong people, and no matter how valid your point seems you become an asshole. Oh, well. No sense in starting that shitstorm up again.
Why the hell can't I just be happy? The last time I was genuienly happy was about halfway through the summer, and that was just about a one-week period of actual happiness amongst a horde of devious lieing, backstabbing, and other such drama related issues. The last time I was really content with my life for a long period of time? Before summer started, maybe.
I wish I could be like some and just say "Forget you guys, you all don't want me in your group of friends, great, I'll find another." But there aren't many to choose from for a guy like me. And I don't want to leave mine! Nobody seems to get that. I wish I could just be HAPPY for once, instead of having some gnawing feeling in my gut half the time I think of something I'm trying to put out of my mind.
Anyways, the main point. Something bad is going to happen. Not to me or even directly related to me, but something that will hurt me gravely. And, no, I probably won't tell you what it is. Sucks to be you curious guys. Chances are, most of you reading this won't know and won't be affected by it at all. I just wish that some of you (mostly acquiantances, rarely my close friends, so don't get offended by this, please) would shut the fuck up and quit asking that same goddamned question! It kills me, bit by bit, every time I hear it suggested!
Heh, this must be how she feels.
...Stupid fucking life.
(No, I'm not contemplating suicide, dipshits. Christ, it's terrible that I feel I have a need to tell people that I'm not.)
If you didn't catch it on the way in, I should be happy with my life right now, but I'm not. I'm doing good in school, not as stressed out about academics as I was last year (MATH=SUCKS), and this time last year I was deep into my shit with my old group of friends, who weren't even really friends because I was just a whiny emo bitch. The pain I'm feeling right now is nothing compared to what I felt last year, but one year ago I was ten times more naive and emotionally ignorant than I am now. I've got my crowd of friends, but I still haven't really found that one wingman you stay close too at all times. Sometimes other people fucked up those chances for getting that wingman, sometimes I fucked the chances up. I'm single and back to searching for someone, but that makes me feel horrible because my last relationship was mostly screwed up be me. I'm going to Homecoming alone, which is probably just asking for me to be emotionally devastated, but I've got an extra ticket if anyone wants to come. On the plus side for my drama life, I stopped a feud awhile back (with the opposing side's cooperation, of course, but I'm taking credit for that one-I haven't been able to take credit for anything good in way too long, anyways). Overall, like I said, I should be happy, but I'm not.
And all of that only seems to make this hurt more.
It is for a stupid reason that I feel so hurt right now. Probably not even a legitamate one, at least not right now. But I know that something will happen. A mixture of lack of experience, irresponsibility, and lust will make something happen that shouldn't. Nothing that I'm directly involved with, but something that will crush me when it does happen. And it'll happen. I know it will. Or maybe I'm just very pessimistic right now. Whatever. In my eyes, this horrible devastating thing has already halfway happend. It is already enough to crush me, and me going to Homecoming (alone, of all things) is probably just asking to hurt myself for what I'll see there.
Some people don't know and/or don't care that their actions (or lack of actions) can hurt others severely. I'll leave my accusations at that. No need to start a war.
Of course, by putting this on text, I'm most likely just fucking up the situation more by bringing it to other's attention. Oh, well. That seems to be my specialty, lately.
What is my problem? I don't have anyone to look out for right now, first of all. I need someone to look out for or I don't feel right. I need to be consoling someone on how fucked up their life is at that moment. Not that I want any of my friend's lives to be fucked up right now-I just like actually feeling trusted every once in awhile. Trust is something that seems to be in short supply around here, lately.
I can think of maybe two people who really, actually trust me on a deep level right now, and one of them is just a guess. As for the other, I had to prove to that friend that I'm not a low-lying piece of scum that you wipe off your shoe after I screw you over. That just tends to happen to some people from me. But, do it to the wrong people, and no matter how valid your point seems you become an asshole. Oh, well. No sense in starting that shitstorm up again.
Why the hell can't I just be happy? The last time I was genuienly happy was about halfway through the summer, and that was just about a one-week period of actual happiness amongst a horde of devious lieing, backstabbing, and other such drama related issues. The last time I was really content with my life for a long period of time? Before summer started, maybe.
I wish I could be like some and just say "Forget you guys, you all don't want me in your group of friends, great, I'll find another." But there aren't many to choose from for a guy like me. And I don't want to leave mine! Nobody seems to get that. I wish I could just be HAPPY for once, instead of having some gnawing feeling in my gut half the time I think of something I'm trying to put out of my mind.
Anyways, the main point. Something bad is going to happen. Not to me or even directly related to me, but something that will hurt me gravely. And, no, I probably won't tell you what it is. Sucks to be you curious guys. Chances are, most of you reading this won't know and won't be affected by it at all. I just wish that some of you (mostly acquiantances, rarely my close friends, so don't get offended by this, please) would shut the fuck up and quit asking that same goddamned question! It kills me, bit by bit, every time I hear it suggested!
Heh, this must be how she feels.
...Stupid fucking life.
(No, I'm not contemplating suicide, dipshits. Christ, it's terrible that I feel I have a need to tell people that I'm not.)