is happiness an illusion?
this is the question i have posed myself my entire life....is happiness an illusion. at 22 years old, a relativly short existance, i have lost most of my family and all of my religion. i have slowly gained back a few things in my life and to this day i am constantly afraid of losing it all again.
disclaimer: absolutly nothing has happened to make me pose this question today, except fear that has been present in my body since birth and culitvated by my childhood of hell.
when i was young i watched my mother and father interact with each other and i thought i saw happiness. this quickly erupted into constant yelling and calling each other names....i learned the word bitch at a very young age as my father continuosly called my mother this wonderful new vocabulary word. i saw anger in my father's eyes as he stared at my brother.....and then years later into my own eyes as we stood in the front yard..me hiding behind a bush while he screamed for me to get back in the house.....i knew that if i moved one more inch i would experience my first beating at the age of 18 (my father never bruised my body...only my heart). on one hand i heard my mother state daily this was not the man she married....and on the other my father threatening suicide for whatever was going wrong that paritcular day (of which he eventually succeeded).
living as i did in my youth has made me skeptical of anything ever working out right or for the good. i am always afraid something will pop up (this could apply to any situation in my life) at the last moment and wreck everything....so to make a long rant short....do humans seek chaos and trouble...do we feed off of it? do we screw up everything in our lives that was truly happy before our minds went astray?....why can't we just be happy in the moment?
i honestly believe that i have finally found happiness in myself, my surroundings, and my daily life......but in my minds eye i am still that frightened child lying in a fetal position in the corner of a dark room....wondering.....who is going to save me from my own inherited fear?
disclaimer #2: if this doesn't make any sense...well i have been drinking....so just excuse me
disclaimer: absolutly nothing has happened to make me pose this question today, except fear that has been present in my body since birth and culitvated by my childhood of hell.
when i was young i watched my mother and father interact with each other and i thought i saw happiness. this quickly erupted into constant yelling and calling each other names....i learned the word bitch at a very young age as my father continuosly called my mother this wonderful new vocabulary word. i saw anger in my father's eyes as he stared at my brother.....and then years later into my own eyes as we stood in the front yard..me hiding behind a bush while he screamed for me to get back in the house.....i knew that if i moved one more inch i would experience my first beating at the age of 18 (my father never bruised my body...only my heart). on one hand i heard my mother state daily this was not the man she married....and on the other my father threatening suicide for whatever was going wrong that paritcular day (of which he eventually succeeded).
living as i did in my youth has made me skeptical of anything ever working out right or for the good. i am always afraid something will pop up (this could apply to any situation in my life) at the last moment and wreck everything....so to make a long rant short....do humans seek chaos and trouble...do we feed off of it? do we screw up everything in our lives that was truly happy before our minds went astray?....why can't we just be happy in the moment?
i honestly believe that i have finally found happiness in myself, my surroundings, and my daily life......but in my minds eye i am still that frightened child lying in a fetal position in the corner of a dark room....wondering.....who is going to save me from my own inherited fear?
disclaimer #2: if this doesn't make any sense...well i have been drinking....so just excuse me