i think i need to work stuff out...
so i think for the first time i'm going to use this public forum of a journal to sort out my brain....publicly.
its easier this way...i don't have to see your face, hear your reactions, your pity, whatever sympathy you can muster or whatever pretense you use to not care or dismiss my problems as unimportant....or worse...to hear and see sincere sympathy and caring. this way, i dont have to feel ashamed and explain things, or pretend i'm okay.
in a sentence and a phrase that sounds so incredibly cliche: i've been suffering and struggling. more struggle than suffer, but needless to say, i've been conflicted. yes, thats the right word, CONFLICTED. good word.
my mom is becoming increasingly poor. why is this you may ask? well, i cant tell you. because that reason is too hard for people to just accept and live with. my dad asks why i'm poor and why my mother doesnt give me the child support he pays her. i cant tell him why. for the same reason i cant tell you. it kills me.
that same reason is why my mother barely speaks to her sister, my aunt, and the rest of my family. it's been like this for a year. and i never talk about it.
my grandmother (my dad's mother) doesn't speak to me anymore. because she's crazy. its impossible to explain this situation to anyone also. this time because it sounds completely absurd to anyone outside of my family. i pretend i dont care that she quit being my grandmother, but it literally kills me inside. i think right now is the first time i've cried about it. i cant live her life, i cant be apart of this italian family mafia bullshit. thats right, i'm admiting it. for the first time ever...and probably the last.
i dont have a home. my dad's is the closest thing to a "home" and i dont even have a bedroom there. i dont have a bedroom at my mom's either. i wish i could adequately convey how mentally straining it is to constantly feel uncomfortable in living situations. its getting unbearable. i need my own space....MINE. not my dads, not my moms, not the college's, not miriels. mine.
i feel lost with my best friends being so far away right now. i watch my friends here all have their best friends, and i get jealous and angry. niether of which are good emotional reactions.
i'm starting to mentally let go of my life in buffalo. i am accepting that it is no longer my life and chicago the side-life. chicago is my life. buffalo is a vacation. its harder than you think to accept. its completely disoriented my mind and soul.
what is the most confusing is that my life doesn't suck. hardly. i am smart, i have excellent grades in school, i have a great unpaid job working for 1917 records, i am studying abroad in 46 days, i have loving parents and amazing best friends, i have jesus, and i'm not insanely ugly. those are great things.
i'm blessed and conscious of it. i'm happy, which is the really ridiculous part. i'm CONFLICTED.
i cant stand that i have to lie to my dad all the time about my mother's life. i cant stand that i have no grandmothers. i cant stand that i'm never comfortable. i can't stand that i NEVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING.........
i try to stay as blinded as possible and i never actually sit down and think about anything because i think if i just keep moving, keep working, keep ignoring it all, all the shit....it'll go away.
so i've faked it until i've made it. i'm happy....but so fucked up at the same time. i've compartmentalized so much that i dont even know how to emotionally explain myself anymore. this whole entry seems so superficial, so fake, so surface level. it's so poorly describing my mind.
whats funny is that after i'm done with this....i'll probably go on ignoring it when i wake up tomorrow.
its easier this way...i don't have to see your face, hear your reactions, your pity, whatever sympathy you can muster or whatever pretense you use to not care or dismiss my problems as unimportant....or worse...to hear and see sincere sympathy and caring. this way, i dont have to feel ashamed and explain things, or pretend i'm okay.
in a sentence and a phrase that sounds so incredibly cliche: i've been suffering and struggling. more struggle than suffer, but needless to say, i've been conflicted. yes, thats the right word, CONFLICTED. good word.
my mom is becoming increasingly poor. why is this you may ask? well, i cant tell you. because that reason is too hard for people to just accept and live with. my dad asks why i'm poor and why my mother doesnt give me the child support he pays her. i cant tell him why. for the same reason i cant tell you. it kills me.
that same reason is why my mother barely speaks to her sister, my aunt, and the rest of my family. it's been like this for a year. and i never talk about it.
my grandmother (my dad's mother) doesn't speak to me anymore. because she's crazy. its impossible to explain this situation to anyone also. this time because it sounds completely absurd to anyone outside of my family. i pretend i dont care that she quit being my grandmother, but it literally kills me inside. i think right now is the first time i've cried about it. i cant live her life, i cant be apart of this italian family mafia bullshit. thats right, i'm admiting it. for the first time ever...and probably the last.
i dont have a home. my dad's is the closest thing to a "home" and i dont even have a bedroom there. i dont have a bedroom at my mom's either. i wish i could adequately convey how mentally straining it is to constantly feel uncomfortable in living situations. its getting unbearable. i need my own space....MINE. not my dads, not my moms, not the college's, not miriels. mine.
i feel lost with my best friends being so far away right now. i watch my friends here all have their best friends, and i get jealous and angry. niether of which are good emotional reactions.
i'm starting to mentally let go of my life in buffalo. i am accepting that it is no longer my life and chicago the side-life. chicago is my life. buffalo is a vacation. its harder than you think to accept. its completely disoriented my mind and soul.
what is the most confusing is that my life doesn't suck. hardly. i am smart, i have excellent grades in school, i have a great unpaid job working for 1917 records, i am studying abroad in 46 days, i have loving parents and amazing best friends, i have jesus, and i'm not insanely ugly. those are great things.
i'm blessed and conscious of it. i'm happy, which is the really ridiculous part. i'm CONFLICTED.
i cant stand that i have to lie to my dad all the time about my mother's life. i cant stand that i have no grandmothers. i cant stand that i'm never comfortable. i can't stand that i NEVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING.........
i try to stay as blinded as possible and i never actually sit down and think about anything because i think if i just keep moving, keep working, keep ignoring it all, all the shit....it'll go away.
so i've faked it until i've made it. i'm happy....but so fucked up at the same time. i've compartmentalized so much that i dont even know how to emotionally explain myself anymore. this whole entry seems so superficial, so fake, so surface level. it's so poorly describing my mind.
whats funny is that after i'm done with this....i'll probably go on ignoring it when i wake up tomorrow.