(no subject)
I must tell Sean stories every few days to Manuel, and then cry over my lack of insight on what to do or even what I think. He puts up with me, and says the equivalent of you wouldnt be who you are today without x y & z. He trusts me and knows i wont throw myself away again, and i wonder if im worth that much confidence, but thats my depressed side talking. When im manic and giggling I forget why i was ever sad and my entire outlook changes and rarely do my opinions concur. I would love to be seans sidekick but then I ruin it with this intensely irrepressible anger for how hurt i feel when im reminded of what it was like to love him so inexahustably and be purposefully and determinedly hurt. When i feel like that i fill with so much anger and just cry from my lack of opinion. Manuel says give him a shot, his friendship means so much to you you cant just let it slip away. Joe wants to be my friend again. A year and some later and he writes that he would like to get a drink with me. He went to the Grand Canyon again, this time without any problems except for being out of shape. Heehee, only I inspire getting lost in the grand canyon, dream aloud of laundry detergent, and partake on a 31 and a half mile hike that nearly floors me. The best part was the all you can eat diner, and setting up a tent on a table to sleep midafternoon with headlights blaring through are tent and not noticing. I may not remember it all, but some things are definatly here to stay,to bad i cant have more say over what i remember and what i dont. I think that after i see what its like to make amends with Joe, something that has lost all meaning and all its pain perhaps then ill know what to do. Perhaps it will give me insight in how to really be friends with sean. The sean that inspires me, that gives me hope, and that makes me feel at home in Tucson.