traces, part one.

[casi_casi]

Title: Traces
Part: 1 of 10
Characters: David Beckham, Martín Cáceres, Fabio Cannavaro, Iker Casillas, Royston Drenthe, Julien Faubert, Fernando Gago, Raúl González, Pep Guardiola, Thierry Henry, Guti Hernández, Xavi Hernández, Gonzalo Higuaín, Andrés Iniesta, Bojan Krkić, Lionel Messi, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Gerard Piqué, Carles Puyol, Sergio Ramos

Comments

[eileenyx]

Holy shit.

Disclaimer: Please be aware that the incoherence, annoying length and lack of organization of the following comment are typical of me but exacerbated by excitement. I am also Queen of Missing the Point, so please correct misinterpretations where appropriate. For all this, I apologize in advance.

From the start, there's tenderness in such a taut atmosphere but this tenderness offers no relief. You do this with Canna/Iker, then you add a sinister air when this tension appears again between Titi and Bojan. I like this continuing sense of unease. So effective.

This is gorgeous:
"...his conscious hesitation failing to mar his unthinking captivation..."

I feel this aptly establishes the Titi/Bojan dynamic. As this is a murder mystery, I assume that Bojan will actively do things that he recognizes as monstrous without lessening his feelings of enthrallment for Titi. It's like Bojan is complicit in his corruption, so it's not a question of being youthful and presumably impressionable. This type of shit is fascinating.

"Guti" and "seductive" are pretty much synonymous, so I enjoy his interactions with Raúl. Also, bumbling Pipita is sexy because he's still Pipita.

Okay, the Sergio/Gago pairing generally does nothing for me but your Gago is irresistible and I am intrigued. Kudos. And of course, Sergio is ♥ all the time. When it comes to Sergio, I'm kind of breathless and enamored like an asthmatic schoolgirl.

Oh, Canna. His circumspection of Iker's instant and palpable attraction to Becks is heartbreaking. It's desperate and obsessive and it seems ultimately impotent in the face of Iker/Becks' inevitability.

I look forward to all the other characters (especially my secret lover Martin Cáceres and the irrepressible Piqué), and I'm impressed by your characterization of a somewhat sleazy, slightly untrustworthy Puyi because I haven't read that in a lot of fics. Well, that maybe because I'm new.

In my head, the Dragnet theme accompanies the two final lines.

So much craft and skills in one work, so humbling. Thanks very much for this. I cannot wait for the next parts.

[casi_casi]

Ohhhhh, you slay me. I don't deserve such a long, generous comment. (Never apologise for writing long comments, by the way; I'm pretty sure I speak on behalf of all writers when I say that I love them.) Thank you so much, again. This kind of feedback on a first chapter is immeasurably encouraging (understatement of my life).

You have not missed the point at all! Your comment is totally accurate and insightful, and you've picked up on little details and overall moods that I hoped so much that you would. What you said about Bojan's corruption and Canna's heartbreak is exactly what I was hoping readers would get from it, and I'm beyond delighted that you did. This kind of really specific feedback is an absolute goldmine from my point of view. You've given me so much to work with here, and I can do nothing but say thank you, thank you, thank you, over and over.

Oh - I couldn't remember the Dragnet theme, so I youtubed it. Made me laugh. C:

PS You're very eloquent and a sharp observer. I know you don't write fic, but I'm sure that if you tried your hand at it, you'd come up with some excellent stuff. *plants seed*