Exposed.
I just looked at the date and realized it was exactly two months ago since we've broken up. Somedays it feels like its been long, others- much shorter. Its been about two weeks since I've talked to Sterling last. Weird. & about a month and a half since Sandi. Crazy.
This has been a lot to deal with the last month and a half for me. On top of school, work, events, Cru...this one particular situation has been on my mind a lot during all of this (naturally) and because of all the anger of had built up because of it, has not only put a strain on my relationship with God, but has caused me to rely on temporary highs like drinking every night of the weekend and even a couple weeks ago, I took a few hits of pot- sober. All while doing this, I knew I was disconnecting from God and I wanted so bad to be the way I was before this entire mess, but it felt so much better to cover it up.
But ultimately, you have to break, be vulnerable, and take it. Having to buck up and deal with how I feel and whats going on sucked ass, but My God is it a relief.
I'm sure most have heard of the 5 stages someone goes through when someone dies. In a nut shell, that is what I've been through. No one may have physically, but unfortunately, two relationships that I cherished did.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
I have finally begun the Acceptance stage. Moreso forgiveness.
I've prayed about forgiveness a lot lately, and for God to open my heart sooner than later...Sooner came first.
Now I'm not saying that I'm still not hurt, but I'm not angry anymore. I went through that phase of where I was just entirely sad that I lost a friend. I had already went through that as far as losing a boyfriend quite some time ago, but I was so angry that I didn't have a chance to really think about how I felt about losing a friend.
I cried harder over that than I did about him.
This doesn't mean I'm going to go out and forgive right away, but I know I will and it'll be sooner rather than later. When I'm completely ready.
So through all of this, I've learned so far that its okay to put yourself out there to be vulnerable; exposed. At least for myself. Thats how I can test God.
I almost feel invincible because of the whole thing (ontop of many other things that I've encountered the last 19 years).
Like I could take on anything.
This has been a lot to deal with the last month and a half for me. On top of school, work, events, Cru...this one particular situation has been on my mind a lot during all of this (naturally) and because of all the anger of had built up because of it, has not only put a strain on my relationship with God, but has caused me to rely on temporary highs like drinking every night of the weekend and even a couple weeks ago, I took a few hits of pot- sober. All while doing this, I knew I was disconnecting from God and I wanted so bad to be the way I was before this entire mess, but it felt so much better to cover it up.
But ultimately, you have to break, be vulnerable, and take it. Having to buck up and deal with how I feel and whats going on sucked ass, but My God is it a relief.
I'm sure most have heard of the 5 stages someone goes through when someone dies. In a nut shell, that is what I've been through. No one may have physically, but unfortunately, two relationships that I cherished did.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
I have finally begun the Acceptance stage. Moreso forgiveness.
I've prayed about forgiveness a lot lately, and for God to open my heart sooner than later...Sooner came first.
Now I'm not saying that I'm still not hurt, but I'm not angry anymore. I went through that phase of where I was just entirely sad that I lost a friend. I had already went through that as far as losing a boyfriend quite some time ago, but I was so angry that I didn't have a chance to really think about how I felt about losing a friend.
I cried harder over that than I did about him.
This doesn't mean I'm going to go out and forgive right away, but I know I will and it'll be sooner rather than later. When I'm completely ready.
So through all of this, I've learned so far that its okay to put yourself out there to be vulnerable; exposed. At least for myself. Thats how I can test God.
I almost feel invincible because of the whole thing (ontop of many other things that I've encountered the last 19 years).
Like I could take on anything.