this is not what i planned
so right now im over at jessicas.... let me tell you... everything that i have thought and planned is just not really what it seems. apparently im "married" but to tell you the honest truth... im just not seeing it. how is it that everyone sees all these things that just arent there? i mean i dont feel any of it is actually happening. no matter what i try and do.. its just not right. im in this situation that is never ending. and it just keeps happening over and over again.. like i cant get out and im cursed forever with this. thats it... this is all a curse that will never end. im going to be tempted for the rest of my life and nothing is ever atually going to work out. nothing ever does. now i know i might be drunk right now... but in the situation im in at the current moment.. and being with the people im with... i just see it. no one else might and i understand that... cuz in everyones head things just always end up perfect in the end... well not for me... never. i know i know... never say never.... but this is serious. i keep putting myself where i shouldnt. i keep losing my heart to this terrible war that just isnt fair. and i know i shouldnt be doing it.... but for some reason i just cant stop. we both do it... we both know its wrong. so then why?!?!?! and i know whats right... but i refuse to see it when i need to. i only see it after and then try to convince myself every morning when i wake up that it never really happened, and that for some reason, every day is a new day. well i cant anymore. if things arent going to change then i just dont see the point to going on. and im really thinking that if things dont change like way soon then im just going to be done. soooooo.... we'll see how everything goes. i think im just going to talk to jessica when he leaves and figure out what im going to do...
maybe someone will know the answers... cuz obviously im not going to find them out on my own cuz im not easily trusted? what if there is something but no one wants to say it cuz it might not be a good thing. sometimes i really wonder... like really wonder.
maybe someone will know the answers... cuz obviously im not going to find them out on my own cuz im not easily trusted? what if there is something but no one wants to say it cuz it might not be a good thing. sometimes i really wonder... like really wonder.