Contradictions (2/?)
Title: Contradictions
Summary: The aftermath of Blinded.
Rating: R
Warnings: Descriptions of emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse.
Spoilers: Blinded.
Charlie is in Casey’s every thought, every dream. He surrounds her, consumes her. She had so carefully suppressed the memories of him. Even when that case brought him back to her thoughts and she had told Olivia about him the first time, she had made sure he was soon forgotten. But now he’s back and he haunts her every second.
She tried to not let it affect her, but she’s always distracted. She doesn’t know how to tell Olivia, or even if she can, so she doesn’t say anything. Every time she looks in a victim’s eyes, she can feel a part of her die.
Casey slips out of bed early in the morning, careful not to wake Olivia. She wants to be able to take a long hot shower and avoid all the questions Olivia’s eyes hold. As she strips off her clothes, her eyes land on a scar. A narrow white line along her hip, it’s so pale that she doubts Olivia ever noticed it. She runs her fingers along it, feeling the delicacy of the skin. As she looks at herself in the mirror, she remembers the other scars. She finds the one above her eyebrow, the one next to her lip. As her fingers trace the one on her inner thigh, she begins to cry. She crumples to a ball on the floor. She tries so hard to stifle the sobs, that they overpower her. She can’t catch her breath. Just as she’s starting to panic, she hears the door open.
“Casey? What happened? What’s wrong baby?” Olivia asks, her voice wrought with concern. When Casey doesn’t respond, Olivia gently pulls Casey into her arms.
“Sshh… it’s okay Casey, I’ve got you. You’re safe sweetheart,” Olivia whispers soothingly as she rubs Casey’s back in circles.
Casey tries to listen to Olivia, but she’s still having difficulties breathing. She can’t calm down because the lack of air is starting to make her dizzy and the world hazy. Her heart thuds inside her chest. She can’t stop thinking about the scars, the original wounds, the fight… Charlie. Charlie yelling, smashing, grabbing… The more memories, the harder it is to breathe. She’s gasping for air. It hurts to breathe. Her body starts to tingle, fighting numbness.
It scares Olivia to see Casey like this. It’s not that she’s never seen anyone have a panic attack before, she’s seen, and helped with plenty on the job. What’s scary to think of what Casey could have gone through that would cause her to be hyperventilating in Olivia’s arms. But Olivia doesn’t have time to worry about that now. Right now, she needs to calm down Casey before she passes out. Olivia gently turns Casey to face her, looking into Casey’s eyes.
“Casey, I need you to breathe with me. Listen to my breathing…”
Casey’s eyes focus on her. “Good girl, Case. Now I need you to take a deep breath with me. Breathe in…”
Olivia takes a deep breath, and Casey takes as deep a breath as she can.
“And out….” Olivia exhales, and so does Casey.
“You’re doing great, sweetheart. Come on, breathe in again…. And out… Once more, deep breathe in… and out…” Olivia continues to breathe with Casey until her breathing starts to return to normal.
Olivia holds Casey close, stoking her hair.
Casey is silent for a while. A few minutes later she turns in Olivia’s arms to face he
“Charlie haunts me, Liv. He haunts me everyday,” Casey rasps.
“Oh Casey,” Olivia sighs and hugs her.
Casey pulls away from Olivia. She grabs a towel, suddenly aware of how exposed she is. She curls up in the corner of bathroom, trying to make herself as small as possible.
“I knew Charlie was schizophrenic, but I never thought he’d be capable of….” Casey struggles to get the words out, “Of hurting me. I… I loved him, so I always forgave him for getting angry and throwing things. But after- I don’t… I don’t think I ever forgave him for that night,” Casey says, her eyes hazed over, and her voice distant.
As her eyes fill with tears, she turns to meet Olivia in the eye. “What kind of person does that make me? That I never completely forgave the man I loved, a man who was mentally ill? It wasn’t his fault! He couldn’t help it! And… it was my choice, my choice not to let the cops prosecute when he attacked me. If there was anyone to blame, it was me!”Casey cries, her voice riddled with guilt.
Olivia slowly inches closer to Casey, catching Casey’s eyes again with hers.
“Casey, how could it be your fault? You were only trying to help him,” Olivia says softly.
“I should have made him get help. I should have forced him to take his meds, to see a doctor… I could have done better. I could have saved him…”
“You did everything you could Casey. You even risked your career for him. I know you loved him Case. You did more than anyone could ever ask for.”
“I kicked him out Olivia. I fucking kicked him out on the street!” Casey says, starting to cry again.
“Only because you had to. I’ll bet you had a good reason Case,” Olivia lays her hand on the ground close to Casey, letting Casey know she’s there for her.
“It wasn’t a good reason at all! I kicked him out because I was afraid of him…” Casey starts to rock back and forth slightly.
Casey’s movements scare Olivia. She’s afraid that Casey might have another panic attack. Olivia moves toward Casey and softly puts her hand on Casey’s arm.
“Casey, honey, why were you afraid him?”
Casey shakes her head and rocks faster.
Now Olivia knows that this is serious, and she needs to get through to Casey. Olivia puts both hands on Casey’s shoulder, and talks to her in a calm, firm voice.
“Casey, you’re safe right now. I’ve got you. Why were you afraid of Charlie, Case?”
Casey stops rocking, and there’s silence. Casey looks at Olivia and reminds herself how brave Olivia is. She can be brave too. She has to.
“It started that night. It was the first time he’d hit me… but, but that wasn’t the only thing he did…”
Olivia rubs Casey’s arms, “Umhmm?”
“He wanted me. He wanted sex. I didn’t want him. He was my boyfriend, and I loved him… but he scared me, and I didn’t want him touching me until he was calm… I said no. I shouldn’t have said no to anything when he was like that- he wasn’t in his right state of mind. He got angry, started hitting me, scratching me… he tore my clothes off. He had me pinned. I couldn’t calm him down, I couldn’t…” Casey starts to hyperventilate again.
Olivia puts her hand under Casey’s chin and forces Casey to look at her. “That was rape honey,” she says softly, her heart breaking.
“But he wasn’t on his meds… and I loved him and…” Casey says franticly.
“He still violated you. You had every right to feel scared, every right to kick him out. Even if he wasn’t mentally competent, it doesn’t change the fact that he raped you,” Olivia says, hoping Casey will realize that it’s true.
“I didn’t tell the cops… I wanted to help Charlie. I still loved him… And I didn’t want anyone to know he’d hurt me- I was supposed to take care of him. But after a month of lying in bed in fear, afraid he’d do it again. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think about anything except him pinning me on the cold floor… He hit me one last time… The next day, I’d locked him out, and changed the lock. Don’t you see? It’s my fault he died like that. Alone. It’s all my fault…”
Olivia pulls Casey into her arms. “No, it isn’t Casey. None of it’s your fault. You did nothing wrong. He didn’t have the right to rape you, to hit you. No one ever does,” Olivia says with conviction. As Olivia holds Casey tight, she whispers, “You’re safe now. He can’t hurt you, and if I have anything to say about, no one else ever will either. I’ve got you, Case. You’re safe.”
Casey shifts to look at Olivia. “He raped me?” Casey asks softly, the words feeling weird on her tongue.
“Yes honey,” Olivia replies tenderly.
“You don’t think any less of me? You don’t think I’m weak, or…?”
“Casey! Of course not. Remember who you’re talking to?”
“But your mother was weak. She drunk- She hit you.”
“Maybe she was, but maybe it was more than just being raped. Maybe she always had the possibility to be alcoholic and abusive. But you’re not weak Casey. You’re a strong, confident, amazing woman. I know you have the strength to deal with this. And I’m here. I love you so much Casey.”
“I love you too Olivia,” Casey says with a soft smile. She kisses Olivia, then snuggles into the safety of Olivia’s arms.
Summary: The aftermath of Blinded.
Rating: R
Warnings: Descriptions of emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse.
Spoilers: Blinded.
Charlie is in Casey’s every thought, every dream. He surrounds her, consumes her. She had so carefully suppressed the memories of him. Even when that case brought him back to her thoughts and she had told Olivia about him the first time, she had made sure he was soon forgotten. But now he’s back and he haunts her every second.
She tried to not let it affect her, but she’s always distracted. She doesn’t know how to tell Olivia, or even if she can, so she doesn’t say anything. Every time she looks in a victim’s eyes, she can feel a part of her die.
Casey slips out of bed early in the morning, careful not to wake Olivia. She wants to be able to take a long hot shower and avoid all the questions Olivia’s eyes hold. As she strips off her clothes, her eyes land on a scar. A narrow white line along her hip, it’s so pale that she doubts Olivia ever noticed it. She runs her fingers along it, feeling the delicacy of the skin. As she looks at herself in the mirror, she remembers the other scars. She finds the one above her eyebrow, the one next to her lip. As her fingers trace the one on her inner thigh, she begins to cry. She crumples to a ball on the floor. She tries so hard to stifle the sobs, that they overpower her. She can’t catch her breath. Just as she’s starting to panic, she hears the door open.
“Casey? What happened? What’s wrong baby?” Olivia asks, her voice wrought with concern. When Casey doesn’t respond, Olivia gently pulls Casey into her arms.
“Sshh… it’s okay Casey, I’ve got you. You’re safe sweetheart,” Olivia whispers soothingly as she rubs Casey’s back in circles.
Casey tries to listen to Olivia, but she’s still having difficulties breathing. She can’t calm down because the lack of air is starting to make her dizzy and the world hazy. Her heart thuds inside her chest. She can’t stop thinking about the scars, the original wounds, the fight… Charlie. Charlie yelling, smashing, grabbing… The more memories, the harder it is to breathe. She’s gasping for air. It hurts to breathe. Her body starts to tingle, fighting numbness.
It scares Olivia to see Casey like this. It’s not that she’s never seen anyone have a panic attack before, she’s seen, and helped with plenty on the job. What’s scary to think of what Casey could have gone through that would cause her to be hyperventilating in Olivia’s arms. But Olivia doesn’t have time to worry about that now. Right now, she needs to calm down Casey before she passes out. Olivia gently turns Casey to face her, looking into Casey’s eyes.
“Casey, I need you to breathe with me. Listen to my breathing…”
Casey’s eyes focus on her. “Good girl, Case. Now I need you to take a deep breath with me. Breathe in…”
Olivia takes a deep breath, and Casey takes as deep a breath as she can.
“And out….” Olivia exhales, and so does Casey.
“You’re doing great, sweetheart. Come on, breathe in again…. And out… Once more, deep breathe in… and out…” Olivia continues to breathe with Casey until her breathing starts to return to normal.
Olivia holds Casey close, stoking her hair.
Casey is silent for a while. A few minutes later she turns in Olivia’s arms to face he
“Charlie haunts me, Liv. He haunts me everyday,” Casey rasps.
“Oh Casey,” Olivia sighs and hugs her.
Casey pulls away from Olivia. She grabs a towel, suddenly aware of how exposed she is. She curls up in the corner of bathroom, trying to make herself as small as possible.
“I knew Charlie was schizophrenic, but I never thought he’d be capable of….” Casey struggles to get the words out, “Of hurting me. I… I loved him, so I always forgave him for getting angry and throwing things. But after- I don’t… I don’t think I ever forgave him for that night,” Casey says, her eyes hazed over, and her voice distant.
As her eyes fill with tears, she turns to meet Olivia in the eye. “What kind of person does that make me? That I never completely forgave the man I loved, a man who was mentally ill? It wasn’t his fault! He couldn’t help it! And… it was my choice, my choice not to let the cops prosecute when he attacked me. If there was anyone to blame, it was me!”Casey cries, her voice riddled with guilt.
Olivia slowly inches closer to Casey, catching Casey’s eyes again with hers.
“Casey, how could it be your fault? You were only trying to help him,” Olivia says softly.
“I should have made him get help. I should have forced him to take his meds, to see a doctor… I could have done better. I could have saved him…”
“You did everything you could Casey. You even risked your career for him. I know you loved him Case. You did more than anyone could ever ask for.”
“I kicked him out Olivia. I fucking kicked him out on the street!” Casey says, starting to cry again.
“Only because you had to. I’ll bet you had a good reason Case,” Olivia lays her hand on the ground close to Casey, letting Casey know she’s there for her.
“It wasn’t a good reason at all! I kicked him out because I was afraid of him…” Casey starts to rock back and forth slightly.
Casey’s movements scare Olivia. She’s afraid that Casey might have another panic attack. Olivia moves toward Casey and softly puts her hand on Casey’s arm.
“Casey, honey, why were you afraid him?”
Casey shakes her head and rocks faster.
Now Olivia knows that this is serious, and she needs to get through to Casey. Olivia puts both hands on Casey’s shoulder, and talks to her in a calm, firm voice.
“Casey, you’re safe right now. I’ve got you. Why were you afraid of Charlie, Case?”
Casey stops rocking, and there’s silence. Casey looks at Olivia and reminds herself how brave Olivia is. She can be brave too. She has to.
“It started that night. It was the first time he’d hit me… but, but that wasn’t the only thing he did…”
Olivia rubs Casey’s arms, “Umhmm?”
“He wanted me. He wanted sex. I didn’t want him. He was my boyfriend, and I loved him… but he scared me, and I didn’t want him touching me until he was calm… I said no. I shouldn’t have said no to anything when he was like that- he wasn’t in his right state of mind. He got angry, started hitting me, scratching me… he tore my clothes off. He had me pinned. I couldn’t calm him down, I couldn’t…” Casey starts to hyperventilate again.
Olivia puts her hand under Casey’s chin and forces Casey to look at her. “That was rape honey,” she says softly, her heart breaking.
“But he wasn’t on his meds… and I loved him and…” Casey says franticly.
“He still violated you. You had every right to feel scared, every right to kick him out. Even if he wasn’t mentally competent, it doesn’t change the fact that he raped you,” Olivia says, hoping Casey will realize that it’s true.
“I didn’t tell the cops… I wanted to help Charlie. I still loved him… And I didn’t want anyone to know he’d hurt me- I was supposed to take care of him. But after a month of lying in bed in fear, afraid he’d do it again. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think about anything except him pinning me on the cold floor… He hit me one last time… The next day, I’d locked him out, and changed the lock. Don’t you see? It’s my fault he died like that. Alone. It’s all my fault…”
Olivia pulls Casey into her arms. “No, it isn’t Casey. None of it’s your fault. You did nothing wrong. He didn’t have the right to rape you, to hit you. No one ever does,” Olivia says with conviction. As Olivia holds Casey tight, she whispers, “You’re safe now. He can’t hurt you, and if I have anything to say about, no one else ever will either. I’ve got you, Case. You’re safe.”
Casey shifts to look at Olivia. “He raped me?” Casey asks softly, the words feeling weird on her tongue.
“Yes honey,” Olivia replies tenderly.
“You don’t think any less of me? You don’t think I’m weak, or…?”
“Casey! Of course not. Remember who you’re talking to?”
“But your mother was weak. She drunk- She hit you.”
“Maybe she was, but maybe it was more than just being raped. Maybe she always had the possibility to be alcoholic and abusive. But you’re not weak Casey. You’re a strong, confident, amazing woman. I know you have the strength to deal with this. And I’m here. I love you so much Casey.”
“I love you too Olivia,” Casey says with a soft smile. She kisses Olivia, then snuggles into the safety of Olivia’s arms.