More Mental Shit...
Okay why am I freaking out right now?
Why did I get all dressed for a run yesterday only to end up ditching the workout for an hour long nap instead?
Why do I think I have such dramatic crashes at 2pm and feel like I need to eat or I’ll die?
It has nothing to do with my diet, my diet is fine.
It’s 100% psychological.
I am 30lbs away from my goal and I think there are a few reasons as to why I reach for a tablespoon of peanut butter instead of my Run Keeper App. Each of those reasons, I have been over a trillion times.
I am a professional self-saboteur. I have done it to myself all my life.
I don’t even get close to a goal! I just get to a point where people start commenting on my weight loss and I blow a microchip and start eating Cheetos for breakfast! (Well not really, but I might as well)
After a mammoth effort the last 2 weeks, I am literally a pound away from being in the 140’s and instead of one last big push to get there, I am feeling myself wanting to skip work outs and eat peanut butter out of the jar instead.
WHY!? What is my malfunction here?
Some days, I think I just need a lobotomy so that I don’t have to deal with all this psychological bullshit.
If I didn’t have to deal with all this extra emotional crap I would be at my stupid goal by now.
I think I have had enough epiphanies by now to have exposed all the reasons why I am scared to lose weight, but goddammit do I have to confront them over and over, every single day? It’s exhausting!
It’s been 17 months now!
When does running become the crutch?
Like in the movies; where the girl has a fight with her boyfriend and she goes for a run instead of the fridge.
I know people like that, so I can dismiss it with a snarky comment like, “that why that’s a movie! Nobody does that!”
That is the healthy way of dealing with things, instead of looking for the answers to my problems at the bottom of a peanut butter jar.
I also just want to make it clear that this is just a rant.
I don’t even entertain the idea of quitting, especially at this point. I have come too far.
But I am sick of the unrelenting psychological marathon that keeps interrupting my progress and making it take twice as long for me to get where I want to be.
I have days and days of great workouts, perfect eating, super high confidence and then out of nowhere I find myself shaking as I tie my shoelaces while getting ready to go for a run because I am convinced that I won’t be able to make it a mile and how much of a failure I’ll feel like if that happens. THAT NEVER HAPPENS! That fear is never realised, but for some reason, I feel like it’s only a matter of time before it is.
I realise that you can’t break a lifetime of negativity and self-doubt in a year or even two, but how many miles do I have to run before I know I can do it in the same way that I know I can eat, sleep or breathe?
Maybe the answer is to start my earphones before I get out the door. If the music is louder than my conscience, then maybe I won’t be able to hear the ghosts of 65 pounds passed.
Why did I get all dressed for a run yesterday only to end up ditching the workout for an hour long nap instead?
Why do I think I have such dramatic crashes at 2pm and feel like I need to eat or I’ll die?
It has nothing to do with my diet, my diet is fine.
It’s 100% psychological.
I am 30lbs away from my goal and I think there are a few reasons as to why I reach for a tablespoon of peanut butter instead of my Run Keeper App. Each of those reasons, I have been over a trillion times.
I am a professional self-saboteur. I have done it to myself all my life.
I don’t even get close to a goal! I just get to a point where people start commenting on my weight loss and I blow a microchip and start eating Cheetos for breakfast! (Well not really, but I might as well)
After a mammoth effort the last 2 weeks, I am literally a pound away from being in the 140’s and instead of one last big push to get there, I am feeling myself wanting to skip work outs and eat peanut butter out of the jar instead.
WHY!? What is my malfunction here?
Some days, I think I just need a lobotomy so that I don’t have to deal with all this psychological bullshit.
If I didn’t have to deal with all this extra emotional crap I would be at my stupid goal by now.
I think I have had enough epiphanies by now to have exposed all the reasons why I am scared to lose weight, but goddammit do I have to confront them over and over, every single day? It’s exhausting!
It’s been 17 months now!
When does running become the crutch?
Like in the movies; where the girl has a fight with her boyfriend and she goes for a run instead of the fridge.
I know people like that, so I can dismiss it with a snarky comment like, “that why that’s a movie! Nobody does that!”
That is the healthy way of dealing with things, instead of looking for the answers to my problems at the bottom of a peanut butter jar.
I also just want to make it clear that this is just a rant.
I don’t even entertain the idea of quitting, especially at this point. I have come too far.
But I am sick of the unrelenting psychological marathon that keeps interrupting my progress and making it take twice as long for me to get where I want to be.
I have days and days of great workouts, perfect eating, super high confidence and then out of nowhere I find myself shaking as I tie my shoelaces while getting ready to go for a run because I am convinced that I won’t be able to make it a mile and how much of a failure I’ll feel like if that happens. THAT NEVER HAPPENS! That fear is never realised, but for some reason, I feel like it’s only a matter of time before it is.
I realise that you can’t break a lifetime of negativity and self-doubt in a year or even two, but how many miles do I have to run before I know I can do it in the same way that I know I can eat, sleep or breathe?
Maybe the answer is to start my earphones before I get out the door. If the music is louder than my conscience, then maybe I won’t be able to hear the ghosts of 65 pounds passed.