panic attack-- stream of consciousness.
I really need to be asleep right now but I feel like I'm having a panic attack. The first since January. I was afraid of this. Why can't my body handle stress? I don't think I ever handled these right. I need to just talk myself through it until it goes away. I'm not going to die like this, no matter how much and how loudly my brain tells me I am. That's just my fight or flight mechanism talking. My chemistry just takes stress to mean imminent death. They're just stress hormones. What is bothering me? Right now, I feel like no matter how deeply I breathe I can't get any air. That's just my body trying to oxygenate my muscles to run. I'm shaking. That's my body trying to raise my temperature and keep my muscles warm. I'm nauseated. That's my body telling me that something's wrong and I need to do something about it. My chest burns. My throat feels tight. I feel like I want to cry but I can't. It's all animalistic, natural, hormonal. It's not death. I'm not going to pass out again. It keeps flashing before my eyes. Waking up on the bathroom floor, gasping, gagging, reeling, clawing at the door, screaming. Never ever again. I am beating this. I am crying. That is what I need. Take the stress and get it out of my body. I don't need it. It's toxic. What am I stressing about? I can't stop thinking about all I need to do. Get a new driver's license. Get a new license plate. Get a new ID. Get enrolled in tri-care. Find an apartment. Find a car hauler. Buy a plane ticket. But first there's the trip to Colorado. It should be a vacation. My jaw hurts. My hip hurts and I don't know why. My legs hurt like growing pains. Why? I need to get my period. What if I'm pregnant? Calm down. Yawn. That's good. Yawns are good. Oxygen in my brain is good.
Stretch. Make a list.
Tuesday: Buy diapers and baby food and formula. Relax. Call State Farm at liesure. Check DEERS site (correct information) at leisure. No rush.
Wednesday: DMV. Tag agency if good with State Farm.
Thursday: Buy shipping supplies. Open Seller account on e-bay. Begin store set-up.
Friday: Call BCBS and Tri-care. Fax in enrollment form.
This weekend: Relax.
Save the rest. Don't get ahead. I have a plan, no reason to stress. I keep yawning but I still don't feel like I have any air. I'm getting sleepy again but I'm still nauseated. I can't remember what it feels like to open my mouth all the way. But don't worry about it, it will go away. Everything goes away. Nothing is permanent. Yawn. I miss my husband. I hate sleeping alone. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want him here to keep bad guys away. I don't feel safe. I need an ibuprofen. I want drugs. I feel like a bad mother for wanting a break from my child. But I love my child so much. But she makes me miss my husband. I need to cry more. I keep thinking the baby is crying. I saw spiders crawling up the wall last night-- night terror. That should have been my clue I'm getting stressed out. I am in control of my body. Think of good feelings. Lovingkindness. Feel Ryan's lovingkindness, I know he's thinking of me. Sometimes I think I can't cope with stress because I take on everyone's. My mom gives me her stress and I hate her for it. My throat is till tight. Where is my oxygen? I need to be asleep. I hope Wendy sleeps well tonight. I hope I sleep well tonight. Do I feel better yet? Lavender helps. I feel the air in my nose. Think of something funny. Think of something fun. Think of LOTR. Imagine Lothlorien. You're in Lothlorien. The trees. The peace. Feel it. Lavender really helps. I think I'm ready. Ibuprofen and water and sleep. Good luck.
Stretch. Make a list.
Tuesday: Buy diapers and baby food and formula. Relax. Call State Farm at liesure. Check DEERS site (correct information) at leisure. No rush.
Wednesday: DMV. Tag agency if good with State Farm.
Thursday: Buy shipping supplies. Open Seller account on e-bay. Begin store set-up.
Friday: Call BCBS and Tri-care. Fax in enrollment form.
This weekend: Relax.
Save the rest. Don't get ahead. I have a plan, no reason to stress. I keep yawning but I still don't feel like I have any air. I'm getting sleepy again but I'm still nauseated. I can't remember what it feels like to open my mouth all the way. But don't worry about it, it will go away. Everything goes away. Nothing is permanent. Yawn. I miss my husband. I hate sleeping alone. I want to hug him. I want to kiss him. I want him here to keep bad guys away. I don't feel safe. I need an ibuprofen. I want drugs. I feel like a bad mother for wanting a break from my child. But I love my child so much. But she makes me miss my husband. I need to cry more. I keep thinking the baby is crying. I saw spiders crawling up the wall last night-- night terror. That should have been my clue I'm getting stressed out. I am in control of my body. Think of good feelings. Lovingkindness. Feel Ryan's lovingkindness, I know he's thinking of me. Sometimes I think I can't cope with stress because I take on everyone's. My mom gives me her stress and I hate her for it. My throat is till tight. Where is my oxygen? I need to be asleep. I hope Wendy sleeps well tonight. I hope I sleep well tonight. Do I feel better yet? Lavender helps. I feel the air in my nose. Think of something funny. Think of something fun. Think of LOTR. Imagine Lothlorien. You're in Lothlorien. The trees. The peace. Feel it. Lavender really helps. I think I'm ready. Ibuprofen and water and sleep. Good luck.