God fucking damnit.
Why do people on the internet have to be fucking assholes?
I posted a question on military.com, asking for information about if it would be possible for me to move to Georgia to be close to Ryan. I was formal and made my questions clear. All I have gotten are judgements. I don't want anyone's fucking judgements. It's not like I even said "I'M MOVING TO GEORGIA WHAT DO YOU THINK?" I am so fucking on edge right now with all of these changes and I am hurting and I thought people there might understand. Turns out, I am worthless because my husband is ONLY in the guard and he's ONLY going to be gone for a few months. You think I don't realize it could be worse? Of course I fucking do. I'm not being a baby. I only asked for information for christ's sake! I didn't even let on to how upset I am because I knew I didn't want to compromise the feelings of anyone who's going through worse. The honest to god truth is that I absolutely hate my current situation, I live with my parents and it is harmful to my mental health. It's dredging up so many old feelings and so many new resentments and I can't deal with any of them because I'm too fucking busy and that just makes it worse. I can't handle this stress without him. Add to that the stress I am under worrying about him, if he's ok....worrying that he's going to do something to hurt me...he quit drinking in January because he realized he had a problem, then started drinking casually last month, and now has drank three nights in a row. This is a bad pattern to start. He does his best and his love for me never waivers but he has an addiction. I'm fucking hurt and no one is going to illegitamize that. I'm just trying to help make my hurt go away like anyone would do if they could find a way. I know how miserable he is being thrown back into a squad bay, back into a full-time military life, it's pulling up bad old feelings and thoughts of how he swore he would never do it again. He misses his baby girl. I don't want him to hurt either if I can help it in any way. It's not wrong to try to find a way to be closer to my husband. I know he's there to train, no fucking shit. I know my husband better than anyone and I KNOW he cannot focus without motivation and prodding. I know I wouldn't see him much. The point is ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THIS. And the sad truth is now my feelings are even more hurt than when I started because I thought someone might understand that and it seems no one does.
Goddamnit I hate crying and I hate feeling.
And now I'm so so terrified that this stress is going to make me sick again and I don't know how to stop it except to be with him. I don't ever want to be sick like that again.