(no subject)
Hey Folks,
I think the time has come for one of my random mind wandering posts. Truth be told, I've been struggling to find my happy place again since I don't have the wedding to distract me. I keep asking myself; self, how can you feel sad about anything when life is so very good? And it IS good, too. What's even cooler is that the good stuff is just getting better. Jon is amazing. I'm still thrilled with every aspect of our relationship. I wake up in the morning and am overwhelmed with how fortunate I am to be next to this man. Even with the flaws that we both posess, nothing could be better. NOTHING.
So, what right do I have to feel sad? I don't mean to. I don't even want to but I cannot stop longing to share this love with his baby. The remaining proof to the world of the love we have. The opportunity to improve the human condition by contributing the education and the values that our parents gave to us. Even still, the most basic desire of everything alive... to procreate. I am diseased, I am broken and unable to do this simple thing. Even the most simple of organisms can. How not to feel distraught over the inability? How does one just move on from it?
I know, "be grateful for what you have". I definately am that. I have longed for him as I now long for the rest. I have him now, though. So I realize that things are good. I'm not even sad all of the time. Just every night when I have to take a pill and every time I have one of those vivid baby dreams and every time I see a tiny sweet face. It would be much easier if they weren't so beautiful! The perfection with which the God-Artist used to create the tiny details of a baby's face. I am constantly amazed by it.
Another way, is distraction. I poured myself into the planning of my wedding. That was great. I took most of my attention away from the things that brought me down. Now that the wedding is done, I am casting about looking for something that means enough to me to pull my heart away again. I go to work, but that is hardly enough (although my job IS one of the good things), I love my husband, but that is in everything; I focus on moving my business forward, but that takes more money than I have to invest right now; I read and read and read. I play World of Warcraft. I clean my house. I join support groups. I contemplate working out (don't judge). I hang out with friends. I hope and I hope.
I think I'm going to start painting soon. That might fix much of what I'm wrestling with. I always feel incomplete when I go for long spans without painting. It's a lot like working out, though. Once you put it down, it takes forever to get motivated to do it but once you are into it you ALWAYS feel better.
I think that is what makes someone an artist. Not JUST that they create something. A person who does one work of creativity in their life can hardly be qualified as an artist. In my opinion, being an artist is about a way of thinking - a way of being - as well as what you do. I create, but that's not the only thing that makes me an artist. It's the NEED to create. The incompleteness that comes from NOT creating. One feels like they are not about their purpose in life. - In answer to one of the thoughts I had last post.
Thanks, by the way, to the people who are still reading my ramblings. I know that not everyone who reads comments. I read much of what people say (not so much on the memes) but some things leave me speechless and on other things my thoughts are spoken before I air them. Just so you know, though, I see you. Keep posting.
Let's talk more about my husband. I wonder if I'll ever be able to say that without the giddy giggle fits? You don't understand, it's like every good thing in the entire 36 year journey, everything I've ever liked about anyone, every bit of crush I've ever had, combined into this one person. Isn't that NEAT!?! I don't think he could be better for me if I had made him up myself. - ok. I have to call him now.
Post's over
I think the time has come for one of my random mind wandering posts. Truth be told, I've been struggling to find my happy place again since I don't have the wedding to distract me. I keep asking myself; self, how can you feel sad about anything when life is so very good? And it IS good, too. What's even cooler is that the good stuff is just getting better. Jon is amazing. I'm still thrilled with every aspect of our relationship. I wake up in the morning and am overwhelmed with how fortunate I am to be next to this man. Even with the flaws that we both posess, nothing could be better. NOTHING.
So, what right do I have to feel sad? I don't mean to. I don't even want to but I cannot stop longing to share this love with his baby. The remaining proof to the world of the love we have. The opportunity to improve the human condition by contributing the education and the values that our parents gave to us. Even still, the most basic desire of everything alive... to procreate. I am diseased, I am broken and unable to do this simple thing. Even the most simple of organisms can. How not to feel distraught over the inability? How does one just move on from it?
I know, "be grateful for what you have". I definately am that. I have longed for him as I now long for the rest. I have him now, though. So I realize that things are good. I'm not even sad all of the time. Just every night when I have to take a pill and every time I have one of those vivid baby dreams and every time I see a tiny sweet face. It would be much easier if they weren't so beautiful! The perfection with which the God-Artist used to create the tiny details of a baby's face. I am constantly amazed by it.
Another way, is distraction. I poured myself into the planning of my wedding. That was great. I took most of my attention away from the things that brought me down. Now that the wedding is done, I am casting about looking for something that means enough to me to pull my heart away again. I go to work, but that is hardly enough (although my job IS one of the good things), I love my husband, but that is in everything; I focus on moving my business forward, but that takes more money than I have to invest right now; I read and read and read. I play World of Warcraft. I clean my house. I join support groups. I contemplate working out (don't judge). I hang out with friends. I hope and I hope.
I think I'm going to start painting soon. That might fix much of what I'm wrestling with. I always feel incomplete when I go for long spans without painting. It's a lot like working out, though. Once you put it down, it takes forever to get motivated to do it but once you are into it you ALWAYS feel better.
I think that is what makes someone an artist. Not JUST that they create something. A person who does one work of creativity in their life can hardly be qualified as an artist. In my opinion, being an artist is about a way of thinking - a way of being - as well as what you do. I create, but that's not the only thing that makes me an artist. It's the NEED to create. The incompleteness that comes from NOT creating. One feels like they are not about their purpose in life. - In answer to one of the thoughts I had last post.
Thanks, by the way, to the people who are still reading my ramblings. I know that not everyone who reads comments. I read much of what people say (not so much on the memes) but some things leave me speechless and on other things my thoughts are spoken before I air them. Just so you know, though, I see you. Keep posting.
Let's talk more about my husband. I wonder if I'll ever be able to say that without the giddy giggle fits? You don't understand, it's like every good thing in the entire 36 year journey, everything I've ever liked about anyone, every bit of crush I've ever had, combined into this one person. Isn't that NEAT!?! I don't think he could be better for me if I had made him up myself. - ok. I have to call him now.
Post's over