Life in general I think
I haven't posted anything worth reading lately I don't think, so I guess I'll work that out now.
I'm having a hard time today. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed. I feel misplaced. Mostly I feel confused. I just woke up with a sinking feeling and I can't shake it. I'm worried about myself. I'm not dying but recently I had a biopsy of my cervix done, and I have highgrade cell irregularities, which doesn't mean cancer. Doesn't even really mean precancer. It' like pre pre cancerous cells. But it's scary to think that if I hadn't stayed on top of this I could have cancer. Talk about a reality check. A lot of people are just saying well it's not cancer so don't worry so much. And I know it's their way of being supportive, and I know it could be worse, but I also want to tell them to Fuck Off because almost all of them have no clue what it's like to be scared about something like this. I'm scared about the pre-op. I'm scared about the procedure. What if I can't have kids? Not that it matters anyway I guess, I'm not ever going to be able to be with anyone ever again......It's not that maybe, someone else won't want to touch me, but I don't want anyone else to touch me ever again. I'm carrying around a huge responsibility now, and sex won't ever be fun again. And that bothers me because sex should be fun, my sex life was fun. Albeit the rest of my life was mostly miserable, but the sex was never a problem. And now because I'm literally a walking disease I'm so terrified to let anyone try to get close enough to touch me. I'm so afraid of passing it on. I could start a whole new chain reaction of disease spreading and I don't even know if I can live with myself. I hate the baggage that I come with now, and It makes me feel like giving up. I hate that i feel so defeated. I hate feeling lonely. I hate that someone else did this to me and that I almost settled to stay with him because I know no one else may want me....
This probably doesn't make sense, unless you know me. And now I'm just crying, I don't feel better....
I try so hard to keep the attitude that life goes on, and that I won't always feel this way, but it's so hard sometimes to see the brighter side of things.....I hate feeling like no one understands how I feel or that no one wants to really hear me talk about it, I just wish someone would let me cry on them and try to take all of this away, but I'm too stubborn to let anyone really see me fall apart, I just laugh and make jokes about it.....Mostly because I feel like I just make people uncomfortable when I try to talk about how I feel. They look at me like I'm an alien, or say "i don't know what to say" when really it's like I don't want you to say or do anything just let me fall apart or something, and it just really feels like no one wants to be that person for me. Or maybe I'm too pigheaded to really let anyone in that closely again....maybe I'm my own worst enemy and I'm not seeing what's right in front of me.
I'm just really tired of not feeling good, and I'm even more tired of feeling like I'm alone in this.....
Sorry for complaining......
I'm having a hard time today. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed. I feel misplaced. Mostly I feel confused. I just woke up with a sinking feeling and I can't shake it. I'm worried about myself. I'm not dying but recently I had a biopsy of my cervix done, and I have highgrade cell irregularities, which doesn't mean cancer. Doesn't even really mean precancer. It' like pre pre cancerous cells. But it's scary to think that if I hadn't stayed on top of this I could have cancer. Talk about a reality check. A lot of people are just saying well it's not cancer so don't worry so much. And I know it's their way of being supportive, and I know it could be worse, but I also want to tell them to Fuck Off because almost all of them have no clue what it's like to be scared about something like this. I'm scared about the pre-op. I'm scared about the procedure. What if I can't have kids? Not that it matters anyway I guess, I'm not ever going to be able to be with anyone ever again......It's not that maybe, someone else won't want to touch me, but I don't want anyone else to touch me ever again. I'm carrying around a huge responsibility now, and sex won't ever be fun again. And that bothers me because sex should be fun, my sex life was fun. Albeit the rest of my life was mostly miserable, but the sex was never a problem. And now because I'm literally a walking disease I'm so terrified to let anyone try to get close enough to touch me. I'm so afraid of passing it on. I could start a whole new chain reaction of disease spreading and I don't even know if I can live with myself. I hate the baggage that I come with now, and It makes me feel like giving up. I hate that i feel so defeated. I hate feeling lonely. I hate that someone else did this to me and that I almost settled to stay with him because I know no one else may want me....
This probably doesn't make sense, unless you know me. And now I'm just crying, I don't feel better....
I try so hard to keep the attitude that life goes on, and that I won't always feel this way, but it's so hard sometimes to see the brighter side of things.....I hate feeling like no one understands how I feel or that no one wants to really hear me talk about it, I just wish someone would let me cry on them and try to take all of this away, but I'm too stubborn to let anyone really see me fall apart, I just laugh and make jokes about it.....Mostly because I feel like I just make people uncomfortable when I try to talk about how I feel. They look at me like I'm an alien, or say "i don't know what to say" when really it's like I don't want you to say or do anything just let me fall apart or something, and it just really feels like no one wants to be that person for me. Or maybe I'm too pigheaded to really let anyone in that closely again....maybe I'm my own worst enemy and I'm not seeing what's right in front of me.
I'm just really tired of not feeling good, and I'm even more tired of feeling like I'm alone in this.....
Sorry for complaining......