Fic for yas!
Hey guys! Okay I'm new here - discovered LJ in general about 6 months ago for the Stargate:Atlantis journals, and I was so glad I found this journal! I personally still live in hope that Carter's 8 eps over the next two seasons will eventually lead them back together - but anyways before I get started on that! I have a fic (old one) that I'm in the middle of writing a new chapter on and I was hoping to get some ideas for where it could go. It's pretty long already for people who haven't read it
If Only
Prologue
If only.
They seem to be the only words going through my head lately.
Since the night my son died.
Everything's different now; the people around me are different.
I appreciate that their concern, but I see the looks in their eyes. Pity, empathy at the loss of a child I'll never know. A child who never had the chance to live. They
express their sympathy and stay away. I notice them keep their distance, I suppose I appreciate it in a way.
There's one person who doesn't keep their distance. Consoling me with heartfelt words of sympathy. She asks me if I'm okay, much like everyone else has done. But it's different, so different I can't seem to form the automatic response that has become second nature over the last week.
I stare at her, a lump forming in my throat as she stares right back.
"You'll get through this."
Her hand is on my arm, her voice confident and assuring. Two words run through my head; if only.
If only my baby had lived. If only Kem and I had been able to do something to prevent this. Sometimes I go as far as; if only I hadn't gone to Africa. But I know its not fair, and the pain I feel is not Kem's fault. It's not anyone's fault. An accident. My son dying was an accident.
I leave the hospital after my shift, the pouring rain suiting my mood. I pull out an umbrella, only briefly considering just walking out into the rain and letting it soak me.
I hear a cry of triumph as I round the corner, to see Abby beaming from ear to ear.
"Good news?" It strikes me that I may never have seen her look so happy in the four years I've known her. She's like a different person since I got back from the
Congo. Confident, smiling, just...happy.
She apologises for her delight, sending her love to Kem. I'm speechless again, nodding slightly in acknowledgement before moving away. I turn back as I finally form the words I want to say.
"There was never a doubt in my mind."
The smile she gives me is beautiful, piercing my grief-laden mind for a second. I realise then, if I'm honest with myself, the words if only had started running through my mind the minute I saw her that day at the hospital, Kem by my side. I had shown her the sonogram, registering the fleeting expression of hurt on her face before it was covered with a forced smile.
If only I hadn't left you behind.
At the time it had been a wayward thought that I hadn't thought much of, but now, seeing her glow with pride at passing her boards, it runs through my mind again.
If only I hadn't left you behind.
I turn my gaze away, walking on through the rain. I hear another exclaimation of delight and can't stop myself turning to look over my shoulder.
She's heading back inside, still smiling, her shift still having another hour to go. I realise I wouldn't mind talking to her about this. In fact she's the only one I could
imagine talking to about all of this. But it wouldn't be fair. She's worked so hard to pull her life together, whilst mine has fallen apart.
Oh, Abby.
If only.
Chapter 2 - Reconnection
"Hey."
"Hey."
"You off?" I ask, watching him for a second before looking out into the ambulance bay. The rain hadn't let up for more than a few hours all week, and I was beginning to wonder if a holiday in Florida was something I could afford right now.
"Yeah." His voice is distant, keeping his eyes staring down at his hands. "You?"
"Three hours ago." I smile, it striking me as ironic that the little time I have away from the hospital I seem to spend there anyway. So much for sleep. "How's Kem?"
It's not like I hate the woman, and even if I did I don't think I could after what happened to her and John. But it still feels wrong to ask my ex-boyfriend about his current girlfriend. Why is it different to asking Luka about Sam? My life is a damn soap opera.
"Can we go for a coffee or something?" He asks suddenly, finally turning to me. I look at him surprised, wondering if this means he wants to talk, or just wants some company for a little while.
"Eh... sure. Where to?"
"I know this great little Starbucks place round the corner..." He smiles slightly at his own teasing, knowing I hate the place. There's something about overpriced coffee and students that just doesn't gel well with me.
"Well have fun." I smirk back, making a move to walk away.
He grasps my arm gently, standing up to face me. "How about the diner down the street?"
"My treat." I insist, hoping he'll accept my offer without argument. I'm not great with owing people money, it makes me uncomfortable around them, and I was going to pay Carter back for my tuition fees.
"Guess I'll have the lobster then." He smiles again, a half-hearted semi-smile that I'm never the less pleased to see. I wonder if it means he's moving on with his life, getting past the pain of losing his son.
"I wouldn't recommend it. Not from here anyway." I tell him, following him through the doors as he holds one open for me. Gentleman 'til the end, that's Carter.
The waitress comes over to us, and I'm surprised when Carter orders a cheeseburger and fries. Obviously it wasn't going to be the quick 'coffee and pie' incident I thought it was. Not that I mind, what with Susan spending all her time with Chuck and the baby and Sam spending all her time with Luka, I'm short a few friends. I order apple pie and a coffee, catching John's small smile that I haven't changed my eating habits.
"I don't think I can come in here anymore without ordering apple pie." I clarify for him, pulling both hands through the length of my long hair, resolving not to wear it down for work again. It was amazing how many toddlers thought long hair was akin to something worth tugging.
"Some things don't change then."
"Not when it comes to desserts." I answer, trying to stray away from the serious implications of his words. I don't think I could handle a fight right now, and I know he's not going to feel better for one either.
He stares at me, making me uncomfortable under his gaze. I can't work out what he's thinking, not that I ever have been able to, but right now I really have no idea where his thoughts are.
"I miss you."
Wow.
"What?" I ask, slight annoyance crossing my face. I have absolutely no idea where he's taking this, and I'm not entirely sure I want to know.
"I miss you. Spending time with you. Talking...like this." He's still staring at me, his face completely serious.
"If you wanted to talk, Carter, you should have just asked." I chide him softly, thinking back over the last month to make sure there wasn't a time I turned down an offer of coffee or anything else from him.
"Kem... she left last week. Went back to Africa."
Now I feel bad. I should've asked how things were more often than I did. "Oh John, I'm sorry."
He shrugged his shoulders with a non-committal expression, staring at his hands resting on the table. "Not your fault."
I had no idea what to say, his stance and tone giving no clues as to how he felt about her leaving. Thankfully I was saved from continuing as the waitress brought our order over.
I watch as John picks at his meal, only eating the odd chip here and there. I take a piece of my apple pie, the silence becoming deafening.
"You want some?" I ask, offering my fork to him. It seems to break him out of his reverie, looking up with the same slight smile I keep provoking. I suddenly wish I could say something to make him laugh, to see a genuine smile for a second or two.
He shakes his head, sweeping his gaze back to his meal. I try to watch him subtly, before deciding that he wanted to talk and my speciality was getting straight to the point.
"Is she coming back?" I ask gently, not quite looking him in the eyes.
He shakes his head again.
I sigh, wondering who left whom, as it were.
"It's for the best. We seem to be incompatible after all."
I recognise his trivialising of the situation, one of his usual coping tactics.
"How's your family?" He inquires, seemingly genuinely interested.
"Mum's really good. Eric's coping. I think he knows he has to stay on his meds, having Maggie as an example taught him that." I reply, still not accustomed to the sense of pride I feel at my mother's new attitude to life.
"I'm really glad to hear that." He smiles.
"Have you seen your parents recently?" I venture, aware that his father had been there that morning at the hospital.
"Yeah, my dad's been around for a while. Mum's in Europe."
I nod absently, wondering what on Earth his mother was doing in Europe when she should be with Carter.
"I sold the house."
I look at him curiously. "Your grandmother's house?"
"Not so much sold. Donated."
"To what?"
"Medical research." He says it almost proudly, a familiar embarrassed smile crossing his face. "I took your advice."
"My advice?"
"You told me I should change the boards priorities if I didn't like them." He reminded her.
I smile, wondering why I feel so pleased he even remembered me saying that. "Well if I knew you'd take my advice I would've suggested a chocolate factory."
He looks at me questioningly. "That sells coffee?"
"No. That's on tap. Or you can save time and eat the coffee flavoured chocolate." I tell him instantly, enjoying the familiar banter I've missed over the past year.
"You've thought this through, haven't you?"
"Of course. I have goals you know."
My heart leaps as he laughs. A genuine laugh that makes his brown eyes sparkle.
"Wow. A chocolate factory. Wish I'd come up with that."
"Chicago would never be the same." I say dramatically.
He pushes his plate away from him, all of a sudden standing up and holding his hand out to me. "Come on."
I glance from his outstretched hand to his face as he watches me intently. "Where are we going?"
"I'll show you."
I take his hand as he pulls me up, going to fetch our jackets while I pay for our meals at the counter. As I step outside I notice the rain has stopped, the clouds a puffy white instead of the dull grey they'd been all week. Carter walks by my side, his hand on my back, guiding me towards the river. It strikes me I've not been down here since that day I told Luka I'd made some decisions about my life. In some ways this sidewalk by the river feels like a private place for the two of us,
Carter and I, which is strange considering I'd been here with many different people from the ER.
"I just wanted to look out on the river." I watch as he props his arms up on the railing, leaning over to stare out at the water. "Feels like years since I came out here on all my coffee breaks." He takes a deep breath and turns to me. "Sometimes I wish I had never left, you know."
The honesty of that confession registered slowly, but I wasn't sure what context he had meant it to be in. "Carter, I don't think- "
"I was wrong. The way I left you... it was cruel and I hate myself for it- "
"It wasn't like I gave you much choice." I interrupt him. I'd been thinking about all this since my psych rotation when my patient with the conversion disorder made me admit I can never follow through. I think until I said it, I never really believed it. But it was Carter I'd had in mind when I admitted it to her, which Jordan had obviously spotted, asking if I meant I could never follow through with men.
"I promised I wouldn't leave you, and I did. We were both having problems and I just... ran away."
"Carter, stop it. It's not worth- "
He cut me off as he kissed me. A furious, hungry kiss that left me breathless as I pushed him away. I try to ignore the feelings of wanting to kiss him back, knowing its not what he needs right now.
"I should never have left you." He says again, sliding his arms around my waist and pulling my body to him again. I push his shoulders away from me to stop his lips meeting mine, trying to step back out of his embrace.
"Carter, you don't want this. It's not me you want. Talk to me."
He pulls back with a sigh, looking miserable. His hand reaches up to stroke my face, grasping a long stand of hair and pushing it from my face as I stare at him in confusion.
"I'm sorry, Abby."
Chapter 3 - Invitations
It was exactly two months since that incident with Carter. I remember because it was the night I had to go back in to the hospital, eventually pulling a 34 hour shift with very little sleep. One of those strange things that sticks in your mind, subconsciously keeping score of the longest shift I'd managed yet.
Of course Carter kissing me, apologising and walking away has stayed with me as well. I wanted him to talk about it, and I'd tried many times to strike up conversation. Whenever we did talk, he made sure it was short and impersonal. I strip off the trauma gown I'm wearing, heaving a sigh at finally being able to get home. Better yet, I have the next two days off. I enter the lounge to see Susan sitting at the table, sipping a large coffee.
"Hey, there."
"Hey. How's the baby?" I ask, smiling when she rolls her eyes.
"She's fine, not that she seems to think so. Spending half the night screaming is her idea of fun. I swear she laughs at me when I tell her she should sleep."
"It didn't tell you that in the mum-to-be book?"
She smirks at me. "So anyway, I hear you get the next few days off? Who's sweeping you off your feet this time?"
I give her a glare, before feigning excitement. "Frank's taking me to the game tomorrow, I can't wait."
"I hope you're kidding."
"Oh no, Susan. It's been going on for months."
She gives me one of her unimpressed looks, throwing the empty paper cup in the bin as she stood. "So what are you going to do?"
"I haven't decided yet. I don't think I wanted to plan anything in case I jinxed it."
"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."
I turned back to my open locker, placing my stethoscope on the shelf. Carter suddenly comes in through the door, dressed in black tie and looking flustered.
"Looking good, Carter." Susan tells him as she passes him on the way out the door.
"Thanks." He calls back with a smile, turning to where I'm standing. "Hey."
"Where you off to?" I ask, wondering what he's doing at the hospital. He left four hours ago and wasn't due back 'til tomorrow.
Not that I know his schedule.
"Fundraiser. I want to open a clinic not far from here." He tells me, not meeting my eyes. "I left some of the papers here after my shift."
"Still no luck with the chocolate factory then, huh?" I smile, hoping he'll relax a bit.
He grasps some papers from his locker, going to sit down at the table where Susan had been. I begin to think he's ignoring me. He's been more like his old self the last few weeks, laughing a little more often, even cracking a few jokes.
Except around me.
Around me it's forced, only there because he has to be. And if I'm honest I'm not entirely sure why. I slam my locker closed a more forcefully than I needed to, surprised I care enough to be hurt at his attitude towards me. I pull my bag over my shoulder and head for the door, glancing briefly in his direction. His head is down, checking over something on the documents he's reading through.
I wave to Susan who was standing at admin on my way out. I step out of triage and the cold hits me, making me glad of my thick coat and scarf. I'm nearly out of the ambulance bay when a shout stops me.
"Abby!"
I turn to see Carter moving quickly towards me, pulling his jacket closer around his body.
"Hi." I don't manage to disguise my surprise, but then he did just ignore me completely no less than three minutes ago.
He stands in front of me, looking as thought he wants to say something but doesn't know how, or maybe if he should.
"What's wrong?" I ask, shivering as the cold suddenly registers. I idly hope its not going to snow on my precious few days away from work, of course it probably will, because my luck just isn't what it should be.
"I just wanted to apologise again. The way I've been acting... I just don't know what to say to you."
"Carter- "
"No, I don't mean it like... When we were down by the river that night, I'm sorry I did that."
"It's okay, Carter. You were upset- "
"No, Abby. Listen." He takes a breath and I realise he's trying to say more than he's comfortable with. "That night... I don't want you to think- "
He stops, looking helplessly at me.
"Forget it." I say gently, brushing his arm with a smile.
"Can we talk about this some time? Over coffee or something?" He asked tentatively, obviously expecting me to decline.
"Sure. Whenever you're ready."
He gives me a relieved smile, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder, before looking at his watch.
"Right I better go."
I raise my hand in a silent goodbye as he rushes away, turning to walk in the other direction.
I manage a few steps before another shout stops me again, turning to see Carter standing a few feet from the customary black limo waiting for him.
"Hey Abby! You need a ride?"
I smile wryly, wondering how he could make a limo ride sound like a bus journey.
"Come on! It's too cold to wait for the El!"
I turn to look up the street that lead to the El, shivered again and gave in.
"You sure I'm not going to make you late for your party?" I enquired as he helped me into the car, his hand holding mine a second longer than he needed to.
"I don't think anyone will mind."
We sit in silence and I use the opportunity to watch him subtly as he stares out the window.
"How much are you hoping to raise?"
"Ten to fifteen."
"Thousand?"
He looks at me, a slight smile on his face as I realise how stupid that question was.
"Million." He clarifies for me.
I make an 'oh' sound and turn slightly to look out the window.
"Got plans tonight?"
I shift my gaze back to his. "Not really. I'm thinking pizza and a movie, or maybe just rearranging my sock drawer."
He smiles at me, as if I'd made a joke. "I never did do that for you."
I frown in confusion, unsure what he's talking about. I feel the car stop and realise with a glance out the window that we're outside my apartment.
"Thanks for the lift, Carter. Definitely beats waiting around on the El platform."
"Abby," he says just before I leave the car. "You don't want to join me tonight, do you? It'd be nice to have a friendly face and my Dad can't be there."
If I hadn't seen the imploring look on his face I would've been able to say no. I really would have. It was right on the tip of my tongue. But it was the first time in months he'd actually wanted to spend more than two minutes with me and I'd promised myself I wouldn't decline anytime he wanted to talk.
"Sure. Give me ten minutes."
Chapter 4 - Arguments
It felt like I'd taken a step back in time, back to three years ago when I had to change into that horrible bridesmaids dress, Carter having conveniently forgotten to tell me it was a black tie event. Only this time I at least had a dress I could wear.
"Carter?" I call when I don't see him.
"Yeah, in here." I find him in the kitchen, helping himself to a glass of water.
"This okay?" I ask, pulling at the skirt of my deep purple dress. It was the first time I'd had the chance to wear it, having bought it for one the events we were supposed to be going to when I was with Carter. Suffice to say it felt a little strange wearing it for the same reason only under very different circumstances. Silver clips on either side of my head pulled segments of blonde-highlighted hair away from my face, which I hoped would be enough to look at least like I fitted in.
He looks at me, not saying anything for a second as he takes in my appearance. "Yeah...you look..." He clears his throat, averting his eyes and looking embarrassed again. "We better get going."
**
As I sit in the limo nervously playing with the beaded spaghetti straps on my dress, I try to work out if this was such a good idea. I can see Carter glancing at me every few minutes, and every time I turn my head to meet his eyes, he'll smile and look away.
"You nervous?" I ask him, wondering how big a part he plays in tonight's event.
"Actually I only need to be there because I organised the fundraiser. You know, make an appearance and shake a few hands." He says it with his usual disdainful tone that I recognise whenever he's talking about his family's money or the society events linked to them.
"You mean no television appearances? That's terrible, Carter." I smile to assure him I'm teasing, and he rewards me with a smile in return.
"I figure the film cameos I have next week will be enough for now."
"Really? I always thought of you as an eligible bachelor of the soap world."
He looks straight at me then, an amused smile playing on his lips. "I couldn't get away with being James Bond then?"
I roll my eyes, at a loss as to why the male population thought 007 was such a great character. "You're a walking cliché, Carter."
The car slides to a stop and Carter takes my hand to help me out of the vehicle. We're met with an entourage of flashing cameras and various other well-dressed guests as we walk towards the entrance, his hand still grasping mine firmly. As we reach the relative haven of the large hall, I see him look around as if searching for someone.
"My father should be around here somewhere." He tells me by way of explanation. Seemly spotting him, Carter guides me through the large crowds towards the grey haired man who bears a resemblance to Carter. I only met his father a few times when we were dating, but I always got the impression I wasn't his idea of a good match for John.
"John! We were beginning to wonder if you'd ever appear." The older man greets his son warmly, breaking away from a conversation with a group of people to our left. He glances at me, obviously noticing our entwined fingers and I feel a blush creep up my face. What have I got myself in to?
"Yeah, sorry about that. You remember Dr Lockheart, don't you Dad?" Carter offers me a teasing smile.
"Doctor? Congratulations, Abby." Mr. Carter shakes my hand - the one that isn't imprisoned in Carter's, and turns back to his son. I feel a little out of place standing there listening to the Carters talk about things I will never really know anything about. I wait for a break in the conversation and tell Carter that I'm just going outside for a few minutes.
The cold evening sooths my headache a little when I finally manage to navigate the crowds enough to reach the exit doors. I sit on the large stonewall connected to the steps leading up to the hall, watching the various couples coming and going. I feel a tinge of pride as I realised it hadn't even crossed my mind to light up a cigarette whilst I was out here. Turns out hypnosis really works for me. Who would have thought it?
I pull my wrap tighter around my shoulders, knowing I should go back inside, but content to watch the comings and goings a little while longer.
"Hey."
I jump at John's voice as he suddenly appears next to me.
"You okay?" He asks gently, making me smile at him.
"Yeah. Just a headache." I answer honestly.
"I thought you came out here for a cigarette."
"I don't smoke." I tell him, the sense of pride heightening when he looks at me in surprise. "Have you made the money you needed?"
He nods. "I think so. You want to take a walk?"
I'm not sure if he's saying it because he wants to leave or because he thinks I do. "You're gonna ditch your dad?"
"I'll see him later. No one will even notice I'm not there."
"I'm sure that's not true." I stand up and he insists on giving me his jacket when he sees me shiver again.
"Thanks for coming, Abby. It really...after everything- "
"It's my pleasure. You saved me from a night of channel surfing."
His mouth quirked upwards at that. "I'm not keeping you from Fear Factor, am I?"
"It's okay, I'm taping it." I deadpan; looking around at the well-lit park we're walking through, where several other of the fundraiser's guests seem to be strolling.
Carter stopped walking suddenly, placing himself in front of me, a serious expression adorning his handsome face. "Listen, Abby. What I was trying to say earlier, outside the hospital...I'm sorry I've not spoken to you, that we haven't talked. That day, when we were by the river- "
"Carter, you don't have to- "
"No, Abby. You don't understand. That day, when I kissed you, I know you think I was kissing you in place of someone else, but- "
"Carter- "
"Abby, it was you I wanted to kiss. I felt so bad for walking away like that and I know I shouldn't have- "
"It's okay, it's not like I didn't..." I don't finish my sentence, finally breaking the intense eye contact with his brown eyes before I say something I'd rather keep to myself.
"What?"
"Nothing. It's okay." My voice is defensive and I hope he won't press the conversation.
"It's not like you didn't...what, Abby?" His voice is annoyed now, my characteristic backing-off tactic not working very well on him.
"It doesn't matter." I insist forcefully.
"It matters to me. Why can't you be honest with me?"
"I am being honest with you! I told you it doesn't matter."
"What, Abby? What doesn't matter? Tell me!"
"It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what happened! It doesn't matter that you left! It doesn't matter that I still lo- " I stop myself abruptly, looking hard at him as I correct myself. "It doesn't matter."
"Well I see some things don't change." He responds in that sarcastic voice I hate so much when directed at me.
"That's not fair." I lower my voice, wanting to get out of this conversation right now. I'm shocked when I suddenly feel the sting of tears in my eyes.
He sighs, looking around in defeat, obviously wondering whether to continue this argument. "Can't we talk this through?"
"Which part?"
"About what happened to us last year. About what went wrong. I know I was the one who walked away but there was something not working before that."
"I know Carter! I disappointed you at every turn. I know that. Why do we need to go over this?" Whatever remaining shreds of my temper I still held on to had disappeared at this point.
"Why do you think that? It's not true! I was never disappointed in you. I hated seeing you pulling yourself in so many different directions, and I couldn't do anything to help you!"
"I didn't want your help! I wanted to be a normal girlfriend, not a screw-up with a crazy family who needed saving all the time. I couldn't be that person, and you walked away." I turned to walk away, praying that was the end of it. He came after me, grasping my arm none-too-gently.
"Abby, you were only ever screwed up in your own mind. You blamed yourself for all of it and everything that happened got to be too much for us."
I look at him angrily, not understanding why we're even having this conversation. "I know that, Carter!"
"But it was as much my fault as yours. We both gave up."
"Carter, why are we even discussing this?" I pull John's jacket closer around me, shooting him a weary glare.
"Abby..." He stares at me, looking as though he wants to confess the real reason for going through all that, then changes his mind. "Okay, lets go back inside."
I'm amazed when he holds his hand out to me, clasping mine as we walk back to the hall in silence.
Chapter 5 - Déjà vu
The night passed quickly after our dispute, Carter led me back inside and offered a friendly tour of the old hall and its history, thereby avoiding as many of the guests as possible. His hand had held mine like a lifeline all night and many of Carter's family friends who had approached us had mistaken me for his girlfriend, none of whom I must've met when I was actually John's girlfriend.
"You planning an escape, Abby?" Carter said softly in my ear, breaking my thoughts and making me realise I had, in fact, been staring at the doors.
"Just wondering what to do with my free weekend." I lie smoothly, looking up at his face as he stands beside me.
"Assuming Weaver doesn't decide to call you in anyway." He teases gently, to which I throw him a dirty look.
"I'm burning my pager and taking my phone off the hook for the next two days." I tell him confidently.
"I'm off on Sunday too." He tells me, looking everywhere but my eyes and feigning a casual stance. Sometimes it scares me how easily I can read this man, and other times it frustrates me that I haven't any idea what he's thinking.
"Assuming you manage to escape the ER vortex." He meets my eyes with a smile in my attempt to return the favour, moving forward suddenly and taking me with him.
"Lets get out of here."
My traitorous mind instantly remembers the last time he said that to me, the occasion ending in a kiss by the river and two months worth of strained relations between us.
"Where are we going, Carter?" I ask as I'm helplessly propelled along beside him. I'm surprised he isn't just going to take me home. After all, his usual reaction to an argument would be to walk away and 'let the dust settle' as it were. I'm a little worried this means he wants to bring up the conversation again, but I stamp down on that thought, as I have to admit - at least to myself - I really enjoy being in John Carter's company again.
"What about that fish restaurant you like? We're dressed for it." As I open my mouth to protest at the idea, he cuts me off; "My treat, as a thank you for coming along tonight."
He opens the door of the limo for me as I think it over, deciding quickly that a dinner with him couldn't hurt... could it?
**
"It's the Carters! How are you two tonight?" The over-zealous Irish accent greeted us as we walked in to the up-market restaurant. I smile in greeting, deciding to let Carter deal with the question. This place always seems fairly full, yet somehow whenever Carter and I turn up, Connor always manages to find us a table.
"We're good thanks," Carter answered him, throwing me an apologetic look. "How's your family?"
"Doing great, the girls start school in the fall." Connor, a former patient of John's, showed us to a table by the large picture window, handing us menus. "You ever going to get a ring on her finger, John?" He laughed as he grinned at me and returned to his post by the door.
"Sorry." Carter offered tentatively, looking embarrassed until he saw my amused smile. I'd met Connor a few times when we'd eaten at this restaurant, and he never failed to make me laugh, even if his comments were misinformed this time. Carter gave in to the sheepish grin he'd been holding back, betraying his relief at avoiding an uncomfortable situation. I can feel his eyes on me as I take in our surroundings, realising how I'd missed being out in a date-like fashion with a guy.
"We never really did this." I say aloud.
His chestnut gaze met my eyes with interest. "Did what?"
"The whole date thing." I fold my hands under my chin, guessing maybe that wasn't the best thought to voice at present. I can't believe I just referred to this as if it were a date. I must be tired. Stupidly, unthinkingly tired.
He looks thoughtful for a second, thinking over what had transpired in the first few months we were together. "I suppose we did kind've skip it."
I mentally berate myself for saying such a stupid thing, scanning my menu and plastering a bright smile on my face. "So what should we eat?"
Somehow I managed to refrain from saying anything else remotely awkward, so the mood was somewhat jovial as we ate, the evening ending quicker than I expected. As he walked me to my apartment door, I wonder whether I should be feeling as anxious as I am now.
He reaches out to lay his hands on my hips, surprising me by the familiar, yet nearly forgotten contact of his touch. "I'm glad you came with me tonight, Abby. I had an okay time." He smiles warmly, his tones teasing again as he repeats my words from a few years ago. I can tell by the intensity of his eyes what he's about to do before he starts to lean towards me, but I can't make myself pull away. His lips meet mine uncertainly, giving me more than enough chance to stop him. His kiss is soft and loving, and for a moment I feel as though the last year and a half never happened. He pulls away gently, a surprised smile lighting his handsome features.
We watch each other for a second, a million thoughts passing through my mind. He seems fascinated with my hair, running one hand over the length of it as he stares into my eyes. I don't want to be the one to break the intense eye contact, and apparently neither does he.
"I better go."
His words are husky, his eyes never leaving mine. He's the one to finally break away, brushing his hand down my arm.
"Carter," I finally find my voice, stopping him moving any further by catching his arm.
He doesn't answer me, gazing at me with a questioning expression on his face. I encircle my arms around his neck, urging his head down to be level with mine. This time our lips collide passionately, eighteen months worth of angst and worry finally finding an outlet. His arms surround my waist, pulling me against him.
I broke away breathlessly, unable to stop the inevitable words spilling from my mouth.
"You want to come in?"
Chapter 6 - Afterglow
Early the following morning, I was vaguely aware of several kisses pressed along my shoulder blade, before the weight on the bed righted itself, leaving me alone. I drift back to sleep, shifting slightly on my side. Sometime later I woke to kisses along my neck and across my bare shoulders, and if I'm not mistaken, the wonderful smell of fresh coffee. Gentle hands turn me so I'm lying on my back, and I open my eyes against the bright sunlight as lips descend upon mine.
"Hey." He whispers. I can actually hear the smile in his voice, as I throw an arm across my eyes to block out the light. Its not that I mind him waking me, it just takes me a while to wake up, and thankfully, he knows all about this, which makes me smile.
"Hi." I feel the bed dip beside me, one hand tracing shapes on my stomach under the duvet as he kisses me again. Leisurely. Familiar.
Making me realise once again how much I'd missed him.
"I made breakfast." He tells me, his face an inch from mine as my eyes finally adjust to the lighting of the room. He kisses the tip of my nose as the arm supporting him moves to position his hand over my hair.
"Are you dressed?" I ask, reaching out to pull at the t-shirt he's wearing.
He chuckled softly. "I've been up a while." He watched me for a moment, before leaning in to give me another kiss. "Do you want breakfast in here or out there?"
I smile sleepily again, touched at his kindness. "I'll be there in a minute."
As he retreats from the room I realise the t-shirt he's wearing is actually one of his that I still had in the back of my cupboard, making me wonder how he'd managed to find it. I see his dress shirt that he wore the night before folded in a pile of clothes on the chair in the corner, and I grab it, making the quick decision that I'm not ready to start the day just yet.
I see a slow smile spread across Carter's face as I enter the kitchen. "Don't look at me like that. It's my day off, I can wear what I want." I smirk as I pilfer some toast from the plate he's preparing, hoisting myself up to sit on the counter. Had I been more awake, I probably would have felt a lot more self-conscious, what with the shirt I wore only reaching mid-thigh at best.
"You're trying to make me late, aren't you?" He asks me playfully, abandoning his task to stand in front of me, folding his arms casually over my knees.
I eat my toast and shoot him an indignant look. "I have no idea what you mean."
Carter grinned at me, his fingers moving idly along my outer thighs. "Got plans today?"
"Something along the lines of retail therapy." I answer, plucking a second slice of toast from the plate that sat beside me and glancing at the clock on the far wall. "Aren't you gonna be late?"
He looks up to check the time, before leaning forward to press a long kiss to my lips. "I'm on a half shift, so if you wait a while I could go with you. I'll be off at three."
I'm not sure what I'm more surprised at, that he wants to come straight back after his shift to spend time with me, or that he just offered to go round a shopping centre with me. "Sure." I finish the toast I'm eating and place my arms on Carter's shoulders, wondering just what we've started here and how long it'll be before we have to talk about it.
He grins again and pulls gently on my shirt collar, guiding my lips to his as he entangles one hand in my hair. Our eyes lock for a second once he moves back, and he glances quickly at the watch on his wrist. "Now I'm late."
"I warned you." I call after him; laughing at the smirk he sends me over his shoulder as he leaves. I look around my now-empty apartment, dreading the on-coming analysing of what happened last night. I'm my own worst enemies in so many ways, and its only recently I've realised this. With that in mind, I drop to my feet from the kitchen counter, pouring some of the still-fresh coffee that Carter had made and discovering the croissants he'd left in the now-cooling oven. I had no idea how much I'd missed him until last night. I smile, making a silent promise to myself that if at all possible, I would do everything I could to make this work with him.
**
I went out for groceries a little later, guessing I might be cooking for two people instead of one this evening. I could only have been gone an hour, but I returned to find a message from Carter on my machine. For a moment my paranoia got the best of me and I thought it was to say it was all a mistake and he wouldn't be coming over, but his cheery voice only wanted to check it was still okay to come by later. I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon tidying the apartment, enjoying my favourite music in the background whilst I worked.
I jumped when I heard a knock on the door, wondering if the music was too loud for some of my neighbours. I was surprised to find Carter standing there, along with a large box of, what looked to be, chocolates.
"Hey," he kissed me in greeting, offering the gold wrapped box to me. "Until the chocolate factory comes along."
I smile whole-heartedly at his gift, wrapping my arms around his shoulders to kiss him properly. "How was your shift?"
"Busy. Four M.V.A.s, and a couple of G.S.W.s. I managed to get away before Weaver had me working overtime." He follows me into the kitchen as I move to put some coffee on. I feel his arms encircle my waist as I finish the coffee and open the chocolates, trying to find one of the caramels I like.
"You still wanting to go shopping?" I ask, fully expecting him to have concocted an airtight excuse to get out of it.
His arms tighten at my waist as he presses a soft kiss to my shoulder before answering. "I just want to be with you, so if shopping is on the agenda, I'll go along with it."
"Good answer."
"Although I do draw the line at shoe shopping." He warns as an afterthought, reaching over my shoulder to steal a chocolate.
"Too bad. I need to restock my entire footwear wardrobe today. It'll be so much fun." I tease sarcastically, turning to face him so I can see his expression.
"Oh really? Some occasion you need to buy for?"
"I may have a thing."
"A thing?"
"Yes, a very important thing. It'll take me hours to choose the right shoes for the occasion."
"You think you're funny, don't you?"
I laugh in response and roll my eyes. I've really missed this. The banter. The easy, playful conversations we always share. "Okay, double-oh-seven, no shoes."
In some ways I wish we could go on like this forever, the carefree time spent together, ignoring the issues that caused so many problems before. But I know we should discuss this, understand what went wrong the first time round before attempting a relationship again. At the back of my mind I'm still wondering if this is happening because Carter wants a family, to replace the one he lost not that many months ago. I'm not who I was when we dated before. The transition from a nurse to become a doctor signifying the amount of changes I'd promised myself I'd try to achieve most of my life. Now I have finally accomplished that goal, and as proud of myself as I am, I need to know his reasons for wanting this relationship again.
I give myself a mental shake, content to enjoy his closeness as we sip coffee, curled up together on my sofa. He presses a kiss in to my hair, and I look into his eyes. I won't think like this, I can't make assumptions. I will enjoy this afternoon with him.
Talking can wait.
If Only
Prologue
If only.
They seem to be the only words going through my head lately.
Since the night my son died.
Everything's different now; the people around me are different.
I appreciate that their concern, but I see the looks in their eyes. Pity, empathy at the loss of a child I'll never know. A child who never had the chance to live. They
express their sympathy and stay away. I notice them keep their distance, I suppose I appreciate it in a way.
There's one person who doesn't keep their distance. Consoling me with heartfelt words of sympathy. She asks me if I'm okay, much like everyone else has done. But it's different, so different I can't seem to form the automatic response that has become second nature over the last week.
I stare at her, a lump forming in my throat as she stares right back.
"You'll get through this."
Her hand is on my arm, her voice confident and assuring. Two words run through my head; if only.
If only my baby had lived. If only Kem and I had been able to do something to prevent this. Sometimes I go as far as; if only I hadn't gone to Africa. But I know its not fair, and the pain I feel is not Kem's fault. It's not anyone's fault. An accident. My son dying was an accident.
I leave the hospital after my shift, the pouring rain suiting my mood. I pull out an umbrella, only briefly considering just walking out into the rain and letting it soak me.
I hear a cry of triumph as I round the corner, to see Abby beaming from ear to ear.
"Good news?" It strikes me that I may never have seen her look so happy in the four years I've known her. She's like a different person since I got back from the
Congo. Confident, smiling, just...happy.
She apologises for her delight, sending her love to Kem. I'm speechless again, nodding slightly in acknowledgement before moving away. I turn back as I finally form the words I want to say.
"There was never a doubt in my mind."
The smile she gives me is beautiful, piercing my grief-laden mind for a second. I realise then, if I'm honest with myself, the words if only had started running through my mind the minute I saw her that day at the hospital, Kem by my side. I had shown her the sonogram, registering the fleeting expression of hurt on her face before it was covered with a forced smile.
If only I hadn't left you behind.
At the time it had been a wayward thought that I hadn't thought much of, but now, seeing her glow with pride at passing her boards, it runs through my mind again.
If only I hadn't left you behind.
I turn my gaze away, walking on through the rain. I hear another exclaimation of delight and can't stop myself turning to look over my shoulder.
She's heading back inside, still smiling, her shift still having another hour to go. I realise I wouldn't mind talking to her about this. In fact she's the only one I could
imagine talking to about all of this. But it wouldn't be fair. She's worked so hard to pull her life together, whilst mine has fallen apart.
Oh, Abby.
If only.
Chapter 2 - Reconnection
"Hey."
"Hey."
"You off?" I ask, watching him for a second before looking out into the ambulance bay. The rain hadn't let up for more than a few hours all week, and I was beginning to wonder if a holiday in Florida was something I could afford right now.
"Yeah." His voice is distant, keeping his eyes staring down at his hands. "You?"
"Three hours ago." I smile, it striking me as ironic that the little time I have away from the hospital I seem to spend there anyway. So much for sleep. "How's Kem?"
It's not like I hate the woman, and even if I did I don't think I could after what happened to her and John. But it still feels wrong to ask my ex-boyfriend about his current girlfriend. Why is it different to asking Luka about Sam? My life is a damn soap opera.
"Can we go for a coffee or something?" He asks suddenly, finally turning to me. I look at him surprised, wondering if this means he wants to talk, or just wants some company for a little while.
"Eh... sure. Where to?"
"I know this great little Starbucks place round the corner..." He smiles slightly at his own teasing, knowing I hate the place. There's something about overpriced coffee and students that just doesn't gel well with me.
"Well have fun." I smirk back, making a move to walk away.
He grasps my arm gently, standing up to face me. "How about the diner down the street?"
"My treat." I insist, hoping he'll accept my offer without argument. I'm not great with owing people money, it makes me uncomfortable around them, and I was going to pay Carter back for my tuition fees.
"Guess I'll have the lobster then." He smiles again, a half-hearted semi-smile that I'm never the less pleased to see. I wonder if it means he's moving on with his life, getting past the pain of losing his son.
"I wouldn't recommend it. Not from here anyway." I tell him, following him through the doors as he holds one open for me. Gentleman 'til the end, that's Carter.
The waitress comes over to us, and I'm surprised when Carter orders a cheeseburger and fries. Obviously it wasn't going to be the quick 'coffee and pie' incident I thought it was. Not that I mind, what with Susan spending all her time with Chuck and the baby and Sam spending all her time with Luka, I'm short a few friends. I order apple pie and a coffee, catching John's small smile that I haven't changed my eating habits.
"I don't think I can come in here anymore without ordering apple pie." I clarify for him, pulling both hands through the length of my long hair, resolving not to wear it down for work again. It was amazing how many toddlers thought long hair was akin to something worth tugging.
"Some things don't change then."
"Not when it comes to desserts." I answer, trying to stray away from the serious implications of his words. I don't think I could handle a fight right now, and I know he's not going to feel better for one either.
He stares at me, making me uncomfortable under his gaze. I can't work out what he's thinking, not that I ever have been able to, but right now I really have no idea where his thoughts are.
"I miss you."
Wow.
"What?" I ask, slight annoyance crossing my face. I have absolutely no idea where he's taking this, and I'm not entirely sure I want to know.
"I miss you. Spending time with you. Talking...like this." He's still staring at me, his face completely serious.
"If you wanted to talk, Carter, you should have just asked." I chide him softly, thinking back over the last month to make sure there wasn't a time I turned down an offer of coffee or anything else from him.
"Kem... she left last week. Went back to Africa."
Now I feel bad. I should've asked how things were more often than I did. "Oh John, I'm sorry."
He shrugged his shoulders with a non-committal expression, staring at his hands resting on the table. "Not your fault."
I had no idea what to say, his stance and tone giving no clues as to how he felt about her leaving. Thankfully I was saved from continuing as the waitress brought our order over.
I watch as John picks at his meal, only eating the odd chip here and there. I take a piece of my apple pie, the silence becoming deafening.
"You want some?" I ask, offering my fork to him. It seems to break him out of his reverie, looking up with the same slight smile I keep provoking. I suddenly wish I could say something to make him laugh, to see a genuine smile for a second or two.
He shakes his head, sweeping his gaze back to his meal. I try to watch him subtly, before deciding that he wanted to talk and my speciality was getting straight to the point.
"Is she coming back?" I ask gently, not quite looking him in the eyes.
He shakes his head again.
I sigh, wondering who left whom, as it were.
"It's for the best. We seem to be incompatible after all."
I recognise his trivialising of the situation, one of his usual coping tactics.
"How's your family?" He inquires, seemingly genuinely interested.
"Mum's really good. Eric's coping. I think he knows he has to stay on his meds, having Maggie as an example taught him that." I reply, still not accustomed to the sense of pride I feel at my mother's new attitude to life.
"I'm really glad to hear that." He smiles.
"Have you seen your parents recently?" I venture, aware that his father had been there that morning at the hospital.
"Yeah, my dad's been around for a while. Mum's in Europe."
I nod absently, wondering what on Earth his mother was doing in Europe when she should be with Carter.
"I sold the house."
I look at him curiously. "Your grandmother's house?"
"Not so much sold. Donated."
"To what?"
"Medical research." He says it almost proudly, a familiar embarrassed smile crossing his face. "I took your advice."
"My advice?"
"You told me I should change the boards priorities if I didn't like them." He reminded her.
I smile, wondering why I feel so pleased he even remembered me saying that. "Well if I knew you'd take my advice I would've suggested a chocolate factory."
He looks at me questioningly. "That sells coffee?"
"No. That's on tap. Or you can save time and eat the coffee flavoured chocolate." I tell him instantly, enjoying the familiar banter I've missed over the past year.
"You've thought this through, haven't you?"
"Of course. I have goals you know."
My heart leaps as he laughs. A genuine laugh that makes his brown eyes sparkle.
"Wow. A chocolate factory. Wish I'd come up with that."
"Chicago would never be the same." I say dramatically.
He pushes his plate away from him, all of a sudden standing up and holding his hand out to me. "Come on."
I glance from his outstretched hand to his face as he watches me intently. "Where are we going?"
"I'll show you."
I take his hand as he pulls me up, going to fetch our jackets while I pay for our meals at the counter. As I step outside I notice the rain has stopped, the clouds a puffy white instead of the dull grey they'd been all week. Carter walks by my side, his hand on my back, guiding me towards the river. It strikes me I've not been down here since that day I told Luka I'd made some decisions about my life. In some ways this sidewalk by the river feels like a private place for the two of us,
Carter and I, which is strange considering I'd been here with many different people from the ER.
"I just wanted to look out on the river." I watch as he props his arms up on the railing, leaning over to stare out at the water. "Feels like years since I came out here on all my coffee breaks." He takes a deep breath and turns to me. "Sometimes I wish I had never left, you know."
The honesty of that confession registered slowly, but I wasn't sure what context he had meant it to be in. "Carter, I don't think- "
"I was wrong. The way I left you... it was cruel and I hate myself for it- "
"It wasn't like I gave you much choice." I interrupt him. I'd been thinking about all this since my psych rotation when my patient with the conversion disorder made me admit I can never follow through. I think until I said it, I never really believed it. But it was Carter I'd had in mind when I admitted it to her, which Jordan had obviously spotted, asking if I meant I could never follow through with men.
"I promised I wouldn't leave you, and I did. We were both having problems and I just... ran away."
"Carter, stop it. It's not worth- "
He cut me off as he kissed me. A furious, hungry kiss that left me breathless as I pushed him away. I try to ignore the feelings of wanting to kiss him back, knowing its not what he needs right now.
"I should never have left you." He says again, sliding his arms around my waist and pulling my body to him again. I push his shoulders away from me to stop his lips meeting mine, trying to step back out of his embrace.
"Carter, you don't want this. It's not me you want. Talk to me."
He pulls back with a sigh, looking miserable. His hand reaches up to stroke my face, grasping a long stand of hair and pushing it from my face as I stare at him in confusion.
"I'm sorry, Abby."
Chapter 3 - Invitations
It was exactly two months since that incident with Carter. I remember because it was the night I had to go back in to the hospital, eventually pulling a 34 hour shift with very little sleep. One of those strange things that sticks in your mind, subconsciously keeping score of the longest shift I'd managed yet.
Of course Carter kissing me, apologising and walking away has stayed with me as well. I wanted him to talk about it, and I'd tried many times to strike up conversation. Whenever we did talk, he made sure it was short and impersonal. I strip off the trauma gown I'm wearing, heaving a sigh at finally being able to get home. Better yet, I have the next two days off. I enter the lounge to see Susan sitting at the table, sipping a large coffee.
"Hey, there."
"Hey. How's the baby?" I ask, smiling when she rolls her eyes.
"She's fine, not that she seems to think so. Spending half the night screaming is her idea of fun. I swear she laughs at me when I tell her she should sleep."
"It didn't tell you that in the mum-to-be book?"
She smirks at me. "So anyway, I hear you get the next few days off? Who's sweeping you off your feet this time?"
I give her a glare, before feigning excitement. "Frank's taking me to the game tomorrow, I can't wait."
"I hope you're kidding."
"Oh no, Susan. It's been going on for months."
She gives me one of her unimpressed looks, throwing the empty paper cup in the bin as she stood. "So what are you going to do?"
"I haven't decided yet. I don't think I wanted to plan anything in case I jinxed it."
"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."
I turned back to my open locker, placing my stethoscope on the shelf. Carter suddenly comes in through the door, dressed in black tie and looking flustered.
"Looking good, Carter." Susan tells him as she passes him on the way out the door.
"Thanks." He calls back with a smile, turning to where I'm standing. "Hey."
"Where you off to?" I ask, wondering what he's doing at the hospital. He left four hours ago and wasn't due back 'til tomorrow.
Not that I know his schedule.
"Fundraiser. I want to open a clinic not far from here." He tells me, not meeting my eyes. "I left some of the papers here after my shift."
"Still no luck with the chocolate factory then, huh?" I smile, hoping he'll relax a bit.
He grasps some papers from his locker, going to sit down at the table where Susan had been. I begin to think he's ignoring me. He's been more like his old self the last few weeks, laughing a little more often, even cracking a few jokes.
Except around me.
Around me it's forced, only there because he has to be. And if I'm honest I'm not entirely sure why. I slam my locker closed a more forcefully than I needed to, surprised I care enough to be hurt at his attitude towards me. I pull my bag over my shoulder and head for the door, glancing briefly in his direction. His head is down, checking over something on the documents he's reading through.
I wave to Susan who was standing at admin on my way out. I step out of triage and the cold hits me, making me glad of my thick coat and scarf. I'm nearly out of the ambulance bay when a shout stops me.
"Abby!"
I turn to see Carter moving quickly towards me, pulling his jacket closer around his body.
"Hi." I don't manage to disguise my surprise, but then he did just ignore me completely no less than three minutes ago.
He stands in front of me, looking as thought he wants to say something but doesn't know how, or maybe if he should.
"What's wrong?" I ask, shivering as the cold suddenly registers. I idly hope its not going to snow on my precious few days away from work, of course it probably will, because my luck just isn't what it should be.
"I just wanted to apologise again. The way I've been acting... I just don't know what to say to you."
"Carter- "
"No, I don't mean it like... When we were down by the river that night, I'm sorry I did that."
"It's okay, Carter. You were upset- "
"No, Abby. Listen." He takes a breath and I realise he's trying to say more than he's comfortable with. "That night... I don't want you to think- "
He stops, looking helplessly at me.
"Forget it." I say gently, brushing his arm with a smile.
"Can we talk about this some time? Over coffee or something?" He asked tentatively, obviously expecting me to decline.
"Sure. Whenever you're ready."
He gives me a relieved smile, reaching out to squeeze my shoulder, before looking at his watch.
"Right I better go."
I raise my hand in a silent goodbye as he rushes away, turning to walk in the other direction.
I manage a few steps before another shout stops me again, turning to see Carter standing a few feet from the customary black limo waiting for him.
"Hey Abby! You need a ride?"
I smile wryly, wondering how he could make a limo ride sound like a bus journey.
"Come on! It's too cold to wait for the El!"
I turn to look up the street that lead to the El, shivered again and gave in.
"You sure I'm not going to make you late for your party?" I enquired as he helped me into the car, his hand holding mine a second longer than he needed to.
"I don't think anyone will mind."
We sit in silence and I use the opportunity to watch him subtly as he stares out the window.
"How much are you hoping to raise?"
"Ten to fifteen."
"Thousand?"
He looks at me, a slight smile on his face as I realise how stupid that question was.
"Million." He clarifies for me.
I make an 'oh' sound and turn slightly to look out the window.
"Got plans tonight?"
I shift my gaze back to his. "Not really. I'm thinking pizza and a movie, or maybe just rearranging my sock drawer."
He smiles at me, as if I'd made a joke. "I never did do that for you."
I frown in confusion, unsure what he's talking about. I feel the car stop and realise with a glance out the window that we're outside my apartment.
"Thanks for the lift, Carter. Definitely beats waiting around on the El platform."
"Abby," he says just before I leave the car. "You don't want to join me tonight, do you? It'd be nice to have a friendly face and my Dad can't be there."
If I hadn't seen the imploring look on his face I would've been able to say no. I really would have. It was right on the tip of my tongue. But it was the first time in months he'd actually wanted to spend more than two minutes with me and I'd promised myself I wouldn't decline anytime he wanted to talk.
"Sure. Give me ten minutes."
Chapter 4 - Arguments
It felt like I'd taken a step back in time, back to three years ago when I had to change into that horrible bridesmaids dress, Carter having conveniently forgotten to tell me it was a black tie event. Only this time I at least had a dress I could wear.
"Carter?" I call when I don't see him.
"Yeah, in here." I find him in the kitchen, helping himself to a glass of water.
"This okay?" I ask, pulling at the skirt of my deep purple dress. It was the first time I'd had the chance to wear it, having bought it for one the events we were supposed to be going to when I was with Carter. Suffice to say it felt a little strange wearing it for the same reason only under very different circumstances. Silver clips on either side of my head pulled segments of blonde-highlighted hair away from my face, which I hoped would be enough to look at least like I fitted in.
He looks at me, not saying anything for a second as he takes in my appearance. "Yeah...you look..." He clears his throat, averting his eyes and looking embarrassed again. "We better get going."
**
As I sit in the limo nervously playing with the beaded spaghetti straps on my dress, I try to work out if this was such a good idea. I can see Carter glancing at me every few minutes, and every time I turn my head to meet his eyes, he'll smile and look away.
"You nervous?" I ask him, wondering how big a part he plays in tonight's event.
"Actually I only need to be there because I organised the fundraiser. You know, make an appearance and shake a few hands." He says it with his usual disdainful tone that I recognise whenever he's talking about his family's money or the society events linked to them.
"You mean no television appearances? That's terrible, Carter." I smile to assure him I'm teasing, and he rewards me with a smile in return.
"I figure the film cameos I have next week will be enough for now."
"Really? I always thought of you as an eligible bachelor of the soap world."
He looks straight at me then, an amused smile playing on his lips. "I couldn't get away with being James Bond then?"
I roll my eyes, at a loss as to why the male population thought 007 was such a great character. "You're a walking cliché, Carter."
The car slides to a stop and Carter takes my hand to help me out of the vehicle. We're met with an entourage of flashing cameras and various other well-dressed guests as we walk towards the entrance, his hand still grasping mine firmly. As we reach the relative haven of the large hall, I see him look around as if searching for someone.
"My father should be around here somewhere." He tells me by way of explanation. Seemly spotting him, Carter guides me through the large crowds towards the grey haired man who bears a resemblance to Carter. I only met his father a few times when we were dating, but I always got the impression I wasn't his idea of a good match for John.
"John! We were beginning to wonder if you'd ever appear." The older man greets his son warmly, breaking away from a conversation with a group of people to our left. He glances at me, obviously noticing our entwined fingers and I feel a blush creep up my face. What have I got myself in to?
"Yeah, sorry about that. You remember Dr Lockheart, don't you Dad?" Carter offers me a teasing smile.
"Doctor? Congratulations, Abby." Mr. Carter shakes my hand - the one that isn't imprisoned in Carter's, and turns back to his son. I feel a little out of place standing there listening to the Carters talk about things I will never really know anything about. I wait for a break in the conversation and tell Carter that I'm just going outside for a few minutes.
The cold evening sooths my headache a little when I finally manage to navigate the crowds enough to reach the exit doors. I sit on the large stonewall connected to the steps leading up to the hall, watching the various couples coming and going. I feel a tinge of pride as I realised it hadn't even crossed my mind to light up a cigarette whilst I was out here. Turns out hypnosis really works for me. Who would have thought it?
I pull my wrap tighter around my shoulders, knowing I should go back inside, but content to watch the comings and goings a little while longer.
"Hey."
I jump at John's voice as he suddenly appears next to me.
"You okay?" He asks gently, making me smile at him.
"Yeah. Just a headache." I answer honestly.
"I thought you came out here for a cigarette."
"I don't smoke." I tell him, the sense of pride heightening when he looks at me in surprise. "Have you made the money you needed?"
He nods. "I think so. You want to take a walk?"
I'm not sure if he's saying it because he wants to leave or because he thinks I do. "You're gonna ditch your dad?"
"I'll see him later. No one will even notice I'm not there."
"I'm sure that's not true." I stand up and he insists on giving me his jacket when he sees me shiver again.
"Thanks for coming, Abby. It really...after everything- "
"It's my pleasure. You saved me from a night of channel surfing."
His mouth quirked upwards at that. "I'm not keeping you from Fear Factor, am I?"
"It's okay, I'm taping it." I deadpan; looking around at the well-lit park we're walking through, where several other of the fundraiser's guests seem to be strolling.
Carter stopped walking suddenly, placing himself in front of me, a serious expression adorning his handsome face. "Listen, Abby. What I was trying to say earlier, outside the hospital...I'm sorry I've not spoken to you, that we haven't talked. That day, when we were by the river- "
"Carter, you don't have to- "
"No, Abby. You don't understand. That day, when I kissed you, I know you think I was kissing you in place of someone else, but- "
"Carter- "
"Abby, it was you I wanted to kiss. I felt so bad for walking away like that and I know I shouldn't have- "
"It's okay, it's not like I didn't..." I don't finish my sentence, finally breaking the intense eye contact with his brown eyes before I say something I'd rather keep to myself.
"What?"
"Nothing. It's okay." My voice is defensive and I hope he won't press the conversation.
"It's not like you didn't...what, Abby?" His voice is annoyed now, my characteristic backing-off tactic not working very well on him.
"It doesn't matter." I insist forcefully.
"It matters to me. Why can't you be honest with me?"
"I am being honest with you! I told you it doesn't matter."
"What, Abby? What doesn't matter? Tell me!"
"It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter what happened! It doesn't matter that you left! It doesn't matter that I still lo- " I stop myself abruptly, looking hard at him as I correct myself. "It doesn't matter."
"Well I see some things don't change." He responds in that sarcastic voice I hate so much when directed at me.
"That's not fair." I lower my voice, wanting to get out of this conversation right now. I'm shocked when I suddenly feel the sting of tears in my eyes.
He sighs, looking around in defeat, obviously wondering whether to continue this argument. "Can't we talk this through?"
"Which part?"
"About what happened to us last year. About what went wrong. I know I was the one who walked away but there was something not working before that."
"I know Carter! I disappointed you at every turn. I know that. Why do we need to go over this?" Whatever remaining shreds of my temper I still held on to had disappeared at this point.
"Why do you think that? It's not true! I was never disappointed in you. I hated seeing you pulling yourself in so many different directions, and I couldn't do anything to help you!"
"I didn't want your help! I wanted to be a normal girlfriend, not a screw-up with a crazy family who needed saving all the time. I couldn't be that person, and you walked away." I turned to walk away, praying that was the end of it. He came after me, grasping my arm none-too-gently.
"Abby, you were only ever screwed up in your own mind. You blamed yourself for all of it and everything that happened got to be too much for us."
I look at him angrily, not understanding why we're even having this conversation. "I know that, Carter!"
"But it was as much my fault as yours. We both gave up."
"Carter, why are we even discussing this?" I pull John's jacket closer around me, shooting him a weary glare.
"Abby..." He stares at me, looking as though he wants to confess the real reason for going through all that, then changes his mind. "Okay, lets go back inside."
I'm amazed when he holds his hand out to me, clasping mine as we walk back to the hall in silence.
Chapter 5 - Déjà vu
The night passed quickly after our dispute, Carter led me back inside and offered a friendly tour of the old hall and its history, thereby avoiding as many of the guests as possible. His hand had held mine like a lifeline all night and many of Carter's family friends who had approached us had mistaken me for his girlfriend, none of whom I must've met when I was actually John's girlfriend.
"You planning an escape, Abby?" Carter said softly in my ear, breaking my thoughts and making me realise I had, in fact, been staring at the doors.
"Just wondering what to do with my free weekend." I lie smoothly, looking up at his face as he stands beside me.
"Assuming Weaver doesn't decide to call you in anyway." He teases gently, to which I throw him a dirty look.
"I'm burning my pager and taking my phone off the hook for the next two days." I tell him confidently.
"I'm off on Sunday too." He tells me, looking everywhere but my eyes and feigning a casual stance. Sometimes it scares me how easily I can read this man, and other times it frustrates me that I haven't any idea what he's thinking.
"Assuming you manage to escape the ER vortex." He meets my eyes with a smile in my attempt to return the favour, moving forward suddenly and taking me with him.
"Lets get out of here."
My traitorous mind instantly remembers the last time he said that to me, the occasion ending in a kiss by the river and two months worth of strained relations between us.
"Where are we going, Carter?" I ask as I'm helplessly propelled along beside him. I'm surprised he isn't just going to take me home. After all, his usual reaction to an argument would be to walk away and 'let the dust settle' as it were. I'm a little worried this means he wants to bring up the conversation again, but I stamp down on that thought, as I have to admit - at least to myself - I really enjoy being in John Carter's company again.
"What about that fish restaurant you like? We're dressed for it." As I open my mouth to protest at the idea, he cuts me off; "My treat, as a thank you for coming along tonight."
He opens the door of the limo for me as I think it over, deciding quickly that a dinner with him couldn't hurt... could it?
**
"It's the Carters! How are you two tonight?" The over-zealous Irish accent greeted us as we walked in to the up-market restaurant. I smile in greeting, deciding to let Carter deal with the question. This place always seems fairly full, yet somehow whenever Carter and I turn up, Connor always manages to find us a table.
"We're good thanks," Carter answered him, throwing me an apologetic look. "How's your family?"
"Doing great, the girls start school in the fall." Connor, a former patient of John's, showed us to a table by the large picture window, handing us menus. "You ever going to get a ring on her finger, John?" He laughed as he grinned at me and returned to his post by the door.
"Sorry." Carter offered tentatively, looking embarrassed until he saw my amused smile. I'd met Connor a few times when we'd eaten at this restaurant, and he never failed to make me laugh, even if his comments were misinformed this time. Carter gave in to the sheepish grin he'd been holding back, betraying his relief at avoiding an uncomfortable situation. I can feel his eyes on me as I take in our surroundings, realising how I'd missed being out in a date-like fashion with a guy.
"We never really did this." I say aloud.
His chestnut gaze met my eyes with interest. "Did what?"
"The whole date thing." I fold my hands under my chin, guessing maybe that wasn't the best thought to voice at present. I can't believe I just referred to this as if it were a date. I must be tired. Stupidly, unthinkingly tired.
He looks thoughtful for a second, thinking over what had transpired in the first few months we were together. "I suppose we did kind've skip it."
I mentally berate myself for saying such a stupid thing, scanning my menu and plastering a bright smile on my face. "So what should we eat?"
Somehow I managed to refrain from saying anything else remotely awkward, so the mood was somewhat jovial as we ate, the evening ending quicker than I expected. As he walked me to my apartment door, I wonder whether I should be feeling as anxious as I am now.
He reaches out to lay his hands on my hips, surprising me by the familiar, yet nearly forgotten contact of his touch. "I'm glad you came with me tonight, Abby. I had an okay time." He smiles warmly, his tones teasing again as he repeats my words from a few years ago. I can tell by the intensity of his eyes what he's about to do before he starts to lean towards me, but I can't make myself pull away. His lips meet mine uncertainly, giving me more than enough chance to stop him. His kiss is soft and loving, and for a moment I feel as though the last year and a half never happened. He pulls away gently, a surprised smile lighting his handsome features.
We watch each other for a second, a million thoughts passing through my mind. He seems fascinated with my hair, running one hand over the length of it as he stares into my eyes. I don't want to be the one to break the intense eye contact, and apparently neither does he.
"I better go."
His words are husky, his eyes never leaving mine. He's the one to finally break away, brushing his hand down my arm.
"Carter," I finally find my voice, stopping him moving any further by catching his arm.
He doesn't answer me, gazing at me with a questioning expression on his face. I encircle my arms around his neck, urging his head down to be level with mine. This time our lips collide passionately, eighteen months worth of angst and worry finally finding an outlet. His arms surround my waist, pulling me against him.
I broke away breathlessly, unable to stop the inevitable words spilling from my mouth.
"You want to come in?"
Chapter 6 - Afterglow
Early the following morning, I was vaguely aware of several kisses pressed along my shoulder blade, before the weight on the bed righted itself, leaving me alone. I drift back to sleep, shifting slightly on my side. Sometime later I woke to kisses along my neck and across my bare shoulders, and if I'm not mistaken, the wonderful smell of fresh coffee. Gentle hands turn me so I'm lying on my back, and I open my eyes against the bright sunlight as lips descend upon mine.
"Hey." He whispers. I can actually hear the smile in his voice, as I throw an arm across my eyes to block out the light. Its not that I mind him waking me, it just takes me a while to wake up, and thankfully, he knows all about this, which makes me smile.
"Hi." I feel the bed dip beside me, one hand tracing shapes on my stomach under the duvet as he kisses me again. Leisurely. Familiar.
Making me realise once again how much I'd missed him.
"I made breakfast." He tells me, his face an inch from mine as my eyes finally adjust to the lighting of the room. He kisses the tip of my nose as the arm supporting him moves to position his hand over my hair.
"Are you dressed?" I ask, reaching out to pull at the t-shirt he's wearing.
He chuckled softly. "I've been up a while." He watched me for a moment, before leaning in to give me another kiss. "Do you want breakfast in here or out there?"
I smile sleepily again, touched at his kindness. "I'll be there in a minute."
As he retreats from the room I realise the t-shirt he's wearing is actually one of his that I still had in the back of my cupboard, making me wonder how he'd managed to find it. I see his dress shirt that he wore the night before folded in a pile of clothes on the chair in the corner, and I grab it, making the quick decision that I'm not ready to start the day just yet.
I see a slow smile spread across Carter's face as I enter the kitchen. "Don't look at me like that. It's my day off, I can wear what I want." I smirk as I pilfer some toast from the plate he's preparing, hoisting myself up to sit on the counter. Had I been more awake, I probably would have felt a lot more self-conscious, what with the shirt I wore only reaching mid-thigh at best.
"You're trying to make me late, aren't you?" He asks me playfully, abandoning his task to stand in front of me, folding his arms casually over my knees.
I eat my toast and shoot him an indignant look. "I have no idea what you mean."
Carter grinned at me, his fingers moving idly along my outer thighs. "Got plans today?"
"Something along the lines of retail therapy." I answer, plucking a second slice of toast from the plate that sat beside me and glancing at the clock on the far wall. "Aren't you gonna be late?"
He looks up to check the time, before leaning forward to press a long kiss to my lips. "I'm on a half shift, so if you wait a while I could go with you. I'll be off at three."
I'm not sure what I'm more surprised at, that he wants to come straight back after his shift to spend time with me, or that he just offered to go round a shopping centre with me. "Sure." I finish the toast I'm eating and place my arms on Carter's shoulders, wondering just what we've started here and how long it'll be before we have to talk about it.
He grins again and pulls gently on my shirt collar, guiding my lips to his as he entangles one hand in my hair. Our eyes lock for a second once he moves back, and he glances quickly at the watch on his wrist. "Now I'm late."
"I warned you." I call after him; laughing at the smirk he sends me over his shoulder as he leaves. I look around my now-empty apartment, dreading the on-coming analysing of what happened last night. I'm my own worst enemies in so many ways, and its only recently I've realised this. With that in mind, I drop to my feet from the kitchen counter, pouring some of the still-fresh coffee that Carter had made and discovering the croissants he'd left in the now-cooling oven. I had no idea how much I'd missed him until last night. I smile, making a silent promise to myself that if at all possible, I would do everything I could to make this work with him.
**
I went out for groceries a little later, guessing I might be cooking for two people instead of one this evening. I could only have been gone an hour, but I returned to find a message from Carter on my machine. For a moment my paranoia got the best of me and I thought it was to say it was all a mistake and he wouldn't be coming over, but his cheery voice only wanted to check it was still okay to come by later. I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon tidying the apartment, enjoying my favourite music in the background whilst I worked.
I jumped when I heard a knock on the door, wondering if the music was too loud for some of my neighbours. I was surprised to find Carter standing there, along with a large box of, what looked to be, chocolates.
"Hey," he kissed me in greeting, offering the gold wrapped box to me. "Until the chocolate factory comes along."
I smile whole-heartedly at his gift, wrapping my arms around his shoulders to kiss him properly. "How was your shift?"
"Busy. Four M.V.A.s, and a couple of G.S.W.s. I managed to get away before Weaver had me working overtime." He follows me into the kitchen as I move to put some coffee on. I feel his arms encircle my waist as I finish the coffee and open the chocolates, trying to find one of the caramels I like.
"You still wanting to go shopping?" I ask, fully expecting him to have concocted an airtight excuse to get out of it.
His arms tighten at my waist as he presses a soft kiss to my shoulder before answering. "I just want to be with you, so if shopping is on the agenda, I'll go along with it."
"Good answer."
"Although I do draw the line at shoe shopping." He warns as an afterthought, reaching over my shoulder to steal a chocolate.
"Too bad. I need to restock my entire footwear wardrobe today. It'll be so much fun." I tease sarcastically, turning to face him so I can see his expression.
"Oh really? Some occasion you need to buy for?"
"I may have a thing."
"A thing?"
"Yes, a very important thing. It'll take me hours to choose the right shoes for the occasion."
"You think you're funny, don't you?"
I laugh in response and roll my eyes. I've really missed this. The banter. The easy, playful conversations we always share. "Okay, double-oh-seven, no shoes."
In some ways I wish we could go on like this forever, the carefree time spent together, ignoring the issues that caused so many problems before. But I know we should discuss this, understand what went wrong the first time round before attempting a relationship again. At the back of my mind I'm still wondering if this is happening because Carter wants a family, to replace the one he lost not that many months ago. I'm not who I was when we dated before. The transition from a nurse to become a doctor signifying the amount of changes I'd promised myself I'd try to achieve most of my life. Now I have finally accomplished that goal, and as proud of myself as I am, I need to know his reasons for wanting this relationship again.
I give myself a mental shake, content to enjoy his closeness as we sip coffee, curled up together on my sofa. He presses a kiss in to my hair, and I look into his eyes. I won't think like this, I can't make assumptions. I will enjoy this afternoon with him.
Talking can wait.