(no subject)
last night i went back and read some of my posts from 2003/2004 ... basically any one that had an actual subject or had comments on it.
geezus ...
... i mean, in a way it is sort of reassuring to see that i'm so far removed from the place i was at, that i can barely even fathom the depth of despair i was mired in ... in the sense that -- lately when i ponder how far, if at all, i've evolved in my life -- yeah, i can see that i am at least not in that place anymore ...
but it is pretty disheartening to think of how much of my life was wasted ... although, to be honest, i wonder what else could have filled those years ... if i could have, under different circumstances, had basicallly undertaken a polar opposite path ... full of positive growth, of love, instead of anomie, of hopelessness, of lashing out and self destruction ...
it did leave me feeling sort of empty ... for as negative as much of it was, i do miss many aspects of that era of my life ... for even as much as i've grown to be more open-minded, more aware, i think maybe part of the price of that growth has been somewhat a loss of self identity ... maybe it's fitting ... that whole era i think was largely shaped by anomic identity-loss ...
maybe i've never known who i am. maybe i've clung to anything that gave me even the most-fleeting respite from this social, existential dissociation.
it's kinda funny, i guess ... some of my greatest anxieties have stemmed from feeling like just a cog in a machine that doesn't recognize my individual existence. from feeling like a variable in an equation that was written long before i ever existed. yet in many ways i've sought out any identity i could feel even the tiniest modicum of resonance with, because the facade felt less hollow than not having one at all ...
geezus ...
... i mean, in a way it is sort of reassuring to see that i'm so far removed from the place i was at, that i can barely even fathom the depth of despair i was mired in ... in the sense that -- lately when i ponder how far, if at all, i've evolved in my life -- yeah, i can see that i am at least not in that place anymore ...
but it is pretty disheartening to think of how much of my life was wasted ... although, to be honest, i wonder what else could have filled those years ... if i could have, under different circumstances, had basicallly undertaken a polar opposite path ... full of positive growth, of love, instead of anomie, of hopelessness, of lashing out and self destruction ...
it did leave me feeling sort of empty ... for as negative as much of it was, i do miss many aspects of that era of my life ... for even as much as i've grown to be more open-minded, more aware, i think maybe part of the price of that growth has been somewhat a loss of self identity ... maybe it's fitting ... that whole era i think was largely shaped by anomic identity-loss ...
maybe i've never known who i am. maybe i've clung to anything that gave me even the most-fleeting respite from this social, existential dissociation.
it's kinda funny, i guess ... some of my greatest anxieties have stemmed from feeling like just a cog in a machine that doesn't recognize my individual existence. from feeling like a variable in an equation that was written long before i ever existed. yet in many ways i've sought out any identity i could feel even the tiniest modicum of resonance with, because the facade felt less hollow than not having one at all ...