(no subject)
some days i wonder just how genuine my emotions are. some days i fear ... perhaps an analogy/metaphor -type deal here is best to explain ... like maybe i'm some alien sent to this planet whose mission is to figure out for my compatriots back on my own world just what the deal is with these human emotions, that i've been inserted into this existence to see if living amongst these people will grant me an understanding that outside observation is not afforded ...
i don't always feel this way. i've experienced joy, despair, hope, anguish ... but when i question myself, it's easy to forget ...
just ... so many times i see myself as being just outside of the human experience, not really part of it ... the good and the bad ... i guess this goes back to the dissociation i've touched on many times in what i've written ... sometimes it's more a social dissociation than a physical, perceptual one ...
i guess it's maybe that so few of my emotions draw from shared experiences ... even experiences i have shared with others, my reactions and reflections and what i draw from them are in somewhat of a bubble ... even experiences with family, with close friends, with loved ones ... one of my greatest fears is that i am truly incapable of forging and maintaining genuine ties with anyone else ... it's like a chicken/egg paradox -- am i dissociated, emotionally, because of a natural tendency towards introversion, or am i effectively introverted because of a natural inability to form the ties that bind ... ties that bind me to others, to my community, to any element of this existence but on the most base, physical level ...
sometimes when i see people being happy with others, i feel jealous ... because even amongst those i consider friends, even amongst my family, many times i feel like i'm just not really there ... yes -- there are times when i do feel connected, feel like i belong, and i don't want the gravity of my current somber mood to imply that this is how it always is ... but it's how it is right now and i wanted to write about it ...
whenever i see people in distress, i want so badly to be able to help them. and i realize that perhaps many times this is more about me than about them. but maybe that's not fair of me to think of it that way ... just, i can't help but wonder. do i want to help others just to shatter my tendencies of feeling so hopelessly dissociated, and not because helping them is its own reward ? in my head, on an intellectual level, i tend to the conclusion that doing good for selfish reasons is not good at all ...
maybe i just want someone to tell me that it's not bad to want to help others because i want to feel like i make a difference in this existence, like i'm not watching a movie and wanting to make everything better but knowing i can't affect the otucome ... that wanting to have a positive impact on others' lives so that i feel some connection to this existence is different than doing deeds out of hope for some tangible reward ...
i just feel very alone ... and i know i shouldn't, because i know that my family loves and accepts me for who i am ... just ... i can't at all say i feel deserving of their acceptance ... because i can't at all say i've done a damn thing to deserve it ...
i don't want to leave it at that, because there is much more to say there ... but for right now i don't know how to say it ...
i don't always feel this way. i've experienced joy, despair, hope, anguish ... but when i question myself, it's easy to forget ...
just ... so many times i see myself as being just outside of the human experience, not really part of it ... the good and the bad ... i guess this goes back to the dissociation i've touched on many times in what i've written ... sometimes it's more a social dissociation than a physical, perceptual one ...
i guess it's maybe that so few of my emotions draw from shared experiences ... even experiences i have shared with others, my reactions and reflections and what i draw from them are in somewhat of a bubble ... even experiences with family, with close friends, with loved ones ... one of my greatest fears is that i am truly incapable of forging and maintaining genuine ties with anyone else ... it's like a chicken/egg paradox -- am i dissociated, emotionally, because of a natural tendency towards introversion, or am i effectively introverted because of a natural inability to form the ties that bind ... ties that bind me to others, to my community, to any element of this existence but on the most base, physical level ...
sometimes when i see people being happy with others, i feel jealous ... because even amongst those i consider friends, even amongst my family, many times i feel like i'm just not really there ... yes -- there are times when i do feel connected, feel like i belong, and i don't want the gravity of my current somber mood to imply that this is how it always is ... but it's how it is right now and i wanted to write about it ...
whenever i see people in distress, i want so badly to be able to help them. and i realize that perhaps many times this is more about me than about them. but maybe that's not fair of me to think of it that way ... just, i can't help but wonder. do i want to help others just to shatter my tendencies of feeling so hopelessly dissociated, and not because helping them is its own reward ? in my head, on an intellectual level, i tend to the conclusion that doing good for selfish reasons is not good at all ...
maybe i just want someone to tell me that it's not bad to want to help others because i want to feel like i make a difference in this existence, like i'm not watching a movie and wanting to make everything better but knowing i can't affect the otucome ... that wanting to have a positive impact on others' lives so that i feel some connection to this existence is different than doing deeds out of hope for some tangible reward ...
i just feel very alone ... and i know i shouldn't, because i know that my family loves and accepts me for who i am ... just ... i can't at all say i feel deserving of their acceptance ... because i can't at all say i've done a damn thing to deserve it ...
i don't want to leave it at that, because there is much more to say there ... but for right now i don't know how to say it ...