musical confusation
scroll to bottom first and read last line on entry. thank you.
well today, and as all days usually i come down to this moment. and this sucks because generally i dont worry and im mostly unconcious if at all possible. being around people from before as i saw some friends i talked in the general fashion of how are you and whats been going on. besides the greatest week ever in recorded history (wich had nothing to do with me) it was another time expenditure of life. well im not much for complaining or even saying anything about anything im interested in myself. i feel today after hearing the testimonial of a friend that i am a unique being today. you see before i was this outgoing, put it out there, others come first, generally happy kinda guy. but after hearing this talking about me and how my expressions have changed and how its more of a rarity to see me care is not more of me growing up but me breaking down. i have this little feeling inside like theres a person that once belonged and still remains. but the bigger part is here. its almost like im a stronger harder person. i know i am not the same as i was. and to hear someone talk about how i look different not in a way of my attire or body but my demener. its like the things i try are worthless and making this much of an attempt is more than likely to fail as it once and always seems to. i hate this mind. i dont hate myself, although most of the time i wish that i didnt. today the only thing that made me smile was the bike that i never finished. the 1963 schwinn sting ray. pimp if you ask me. now all i need is my chain. it took all but an hour to complete and its as if the day i sat that down everything in my life stopped. because for the past year now, its been there in pieces. i guess really ive been picking up more of myself than anything. its like fucking yesturday i was at taylords house sitting in the barn just looking at the floor. attempting to put on a face that fit. it became more apparent to me that i became really good friends with looking down and my head at times attempts the comfterable setting. talking tonight and thinking and this one more night of insomnia kicking in im more insecure, unstable and most of all bad at life i just would like to sit back and reflect once again on every good instant of the day. as always theres the half an hour of reflection in connection of my life that i have to think about as it will never go away. im not smart and some times i play it off decently. all in all, if you have made it this far as always, this is where it starts to get better. im ok.....im going to be insecure mostly uncomfterable. for some reason this situation has been going through my head for hours and it wont go away.
ok heres my to do list now.
1. get shoes
2. stop worrying
3. talk,talk,talk
4. speak more french
ok stupid list but i really need new kicks. kids im going to be in europe in like a week? and i have so much im looking forword too. i need to get back on this wagon train and kick my ass again, or some one elses. please please dear fucking god, let this go easy. im trying so hard. i have to go to work in approximatly 3 hours and 55 minutes. until 11 am. after that, im going to be away im sure. as its hard to actually get me at home even thought out of the i would say 19 hours im away daily, im alone at least 12 of those hours. mostly driving or thinking away. ok i get it, im a little depressed right now and it sucks. im shocked, upset and really feeling put aside. dont act when im gone as if im never coming back. im getting an international fone card. i hope to everything that my whole life has come to a moment soon that everything will stop going up hill so i can roll down a little easier, i dont like going down fast steep hills. if anything like my life its been long and dragging through the mudd so, it will be awesome. we need paulinantantata at practice, theres a little what you say bass missing? were kinda wimmpy without low ends. i hope someones up for spending time with me because soon im going to have a lot more of it, mostly after 11 am today. i get home around 11 20 so hey, lets make the most of my time before the brief absance of the nick. i care for too much i think. i dont think its that i care too less but that i care for too much. i cant help it and i wont ever be able too. please just tell me everything. even your truths. i still cant belive that i hadnt finished my sting ray, its still just a chain away. the typhoon is sitting on duty at taylords for pauls pleasure. why cant i feel comfort? this fucking sucks. ok im going to lay down and watch tv as im the only person that could be counted on for waking at any hour for comforting, and it sucks that at the moment that im the only one that can be counted on. im there for every one. even people i dont even know (pauls been there). 11 45 came and went. and wow did we drive fast. im waiting for my turn of relaxation. just for future referance.
i like the following
back ticklings
staring contests
being the only person that goes to the quad at 12 at night thats white and alone watching a random movie about anything
flogging molly
stomaches with little stars
belly buttons
being super everyones go to guy
knowing that my parents love not out of compashion but fear.
being myself to every one and never being different but in turn being different by doing so.
having the honesty and bravery to listen and make others know im better than i look
i also like kisses
looking at the failing shooting stars, failing at shooting. damn you taylord
eyes are my passion, they tell you so much about some one. tears mean the most!
im sorry im a bad person. to every one.
amanda i love you so much
ok people dont read this. im rambling. trust me dont read it. i just did.
well today, and as all days usually i come down to this moment. and this sucks because generally i dont worry and im mostly unconcious if at all possible. being around people from before as i saw some friends i talked in the general fashion of how are you and whats been going on. besides the greatest week ever in recorded history (wich had nothing to do with me) it was another time expenditure of life. well im not much for complaining or even saying anything about anything im interested in myself. i feel today after hearing the testimonial of a friend that i am a unique being today. you see before i was this outgoing, put it out there, others come first, generally happy kinda guy. but after hearing this talking about me and how my expressions have changed and how its more of a rarity to see me care is not more of me growing up but me breaking down. i have this little feeling inside like theres a person that once belonged and still remains. but the bigger part is here. its almost like im a stronger harder person. i know i am not the same as i was. and to hear someone talk about how i look different not in a way of my attire or body but my demener. its like the things i try are worthless and making this much of an attempt is more than likely to fail as it once and always seems to. i hate this mind. i dont hate myself, although most of the time i wish that i didnt. today the only thing that made me smile was the bike that i never finished. the 1963 schwinn sting ray. pimp if you ask me. now all i need is my chain. it took all but an hour to complete and its as if the day i sat that down everything in my life stopped. because for the past year now, its been there in pieces. i guess really ive been picking up more of myself than anything. its like fucking yesturday i was at taylords house sitting in the barn just looking at the floor. attempting to put on a face that fit. it became more apparent to me that i became really good friends with looking down and my head at times attempts the comfterable setting. talking tonight and thinking and this one more night of insomnia kicking in im more insecure, unstable and most of all bad at life i just would like to sit back and reflect once again on every good instant of the day. as always theres the half an hour of reflection in connection of my life that i have to think about as it will never go away. im not smart and some times i play it off decently. all in all, if you have made it this far as always, this is where it starts to get better. im ok.....im going to be insecure mostly uncomfterable. for some reason this situation has been going through my head for hours and it wont go away.
ok heres my to do list now.
1. get shoes
2. stop worrying
3. talk,talk,talk
4. speak more french
ok stupid list but i really need new kicks. kids im going to be in europe in like a week? and i have so much im looking forword too. i need to get back on this wagon train and kick my ass again, or some one elses. please please dear fucking god, let this go easy. im trying so hard. i have to go to work in approximatly 3 hours and 55 minutes. until 11 am. after that, im going to be away im sure. as its hard to actually get me at home even thought out of the i would say 19 hours im away daily, im alone at least 12 of those hours. mostly driving or thinking away. ok i get it, im a little depressed right now and it sucks. im shocked, upset and really feeling put aside. dont act when im gone as if im never coming back. im getting an international fone card. i hope to everything that my whole life has come to a moment soon that everything will stop going up hill so i can roll down a little easier, i dont like going down fast steep hills. if anything like my life its been long and dragging through the mudd so, it will be awesome. we need paulinantantata at practice, theres a little what you say bass missing? were kinda wimmpy without low ends. i hope someones up for spending time with me because soon im going to have a lot more of it, mostly after 11 am today. i get home around 11 20 so hey, lets make the most of my time before the brief absance of the nick. i care for too much i think. i dont think its that i care too less but that i care for too much. i cant help it and i wont ever be able too. please just tell me everything. even your truths. i still cant belive that i hadnt finished my sting ray, its still just a chain away. the typhoon is sitting on duty at taylords for pauls pleasure. why cant i feel comfort? this fucking sucks. ok im going to lay down and watch tv as im the only person that could be counted on for waking at any hour for comforting, and it sucks that at the moment that im the only one that can be counted on. im there for every one. even people i dont even know (pauls been there). 11 45 came and went. and wow did we drive fast. im waiting for my turn of relaxation. just for future referance.
i like the following
back ticklings
staring contests
being the only person that goes to the quad at 12 at night thats white and alone watching a random movie about anything
flogging molly
stomaches with little stars
belly buttons
being super everyones go to guy
knowing that my parents love not out of compashion but fear.
being myself to every one and never being different but in turn being different by doing so.
having the honesty and bravery to listen and make others know im better than i look
i also like kisses
looking at the failing shooting stars, failing at shooting. damn you taylord
eyes are my passion, they tell you so much about some one. tears mean the most!
im sorry im a bad person. to every one.
amanda i love you so much
ok people dont read this. im rambling. trust me dont read it. i just did.