in red ink
standing outside of this warm colored coffee house makes me feel lucky.
a feeling i have never experienced.
but don't get me wrong. i have felt thankful.
i have counted my blessings, and numbered things i have felt priveleged for.
the holidays are approaching fast.
i still have to decide in my mind whether to look forward to them or avoid them by sleeping the days away- filling my empty stomache with sleeping pills and prescribed antidepressants.
for me; the past six or seven months have been a holiday season.
for the following reasons;
1.my "family" making me cry quarts of tears.
2.sadness;depression
3.my heart was cold/or still is ? although i'm not sure.
4.the sunny summer days; my eyes covered with sunglasses to shield out the truth
--ie;denial-of thinking love is there but it alas is not.
maybe this holiday season will be different.
maybe after spending all of the past months with a cold heart.
and experiencing feelings only held within the season.
maybe with the scent of nutmeg and clove my heart will warm.
i am still trying to figure out why i am unsure of most things.
did this start after he was gone ?
or was i always so indecisive ?
i am starting to notice how many times i say "i suppose" or "i guess"
and things of that nature.
i have decided to ban these words from my yielding vocabulary.
although, i don't think it will work that well.
we'll see.
how can anyone help you-----
-----if you can't help yourself ?
a piece of history.
a feeling i have never experienced.
but don't get me wrong. i have felt thankful.
i have counted my blessings, and numbered things i have felt priveleged for.
the holidays are approaching fast.
i still have to decide in my mind whether to look forward to them or avoid them by sleeping the days away- filling my empty stomache with sleeping pills and prescribed antidepressants.
for me; the past six or seven months have been a holiday season.
for the following reasons;
1.my "family" making me cry quarts of tears.
2.sadness;depression
3.my heart was cold/or still is ? although i'm not sure.
4.the sunny summer days; my eyes covered with sunglasses to shield out the truth
--ie;denial-of thinking love is there but it alas is not.
maybe this holiday season will be different.
maybe after spending all of the past months with a cold heart.
and experiencing feelings only held within the season.
maybe with the scent of nutmeg and clove my heart will warm.
i am still trying to figure out why i am unsure of most things.
did this start after he was gone ?
or was i always so indecisive ?
i am starting to notice how many times i say "i suppose" or "i guess"
and things of that nature.
i have decided to ban these words from my yielding vocabulary.
although, i don't think it will work that well.
we'll see.
how can anyone help you-----
-----if you can't help yourself ?
a piece of history.