(no subject)
life. ... i'm pretty sure i'm not living it.
I had a great time last night. party at my place. great people. lots of alcohol.
i just don't feel like i k now how to feel anymore.
i think having a journal around when i drink is a damned good idea.
i wrote some interesting things. some thoughts i didn't want to say out loud.
made me think too much though. so who knows. middle ground i guess.
when i went to iowa and they threw a party for me i took notes at all times. i enjoy that.
i need to let myself be artistic again. i doodled last night and i haven't done that shit forever. it felt good.
i want to paint.
i'm tired of being drunk.
at all times.
all . fucking . times.
Jill and I had our signature great conversations last night, of course.
i love conversations like that. you can realize more about yourself through talking to people that actually get it than you can by just thinking.
there were too many love songs last night. too many conversations about love. i told jill that me and Oli hadn't said we loved each other yet and she seemed surprised.
when i actually let myself just look in his eyes and be absorbed by him and vulnerable, i think i might love him.
but there are way too many instances where our walls are so far up.
and i know we drink to break down our walls around each other, but when will that fucking change?
if it ever does....
i asked him what he would do if i died in a year and he looked very sad. i'm not used to feeling like my life really impacts someone else's.
i love him. but i'm not sure if i'm in love with him.
i'm not sure if we'll ever be in love.
its actually kind of hard to swallow, as i write those words out.
probably because it feels like honesty.
and i just really fucking hope i'm proven wrong, soon.
i love Jill. I love having her around. We are friendship soul mates. there is no getting around it. i can't relate to or open up to anyone else in that way and have them actually understand it. not only understand it but take a different perspective and open my eyes to it. I cherish those conversations. The boys are tons of fun, of course and Lyssa is just a riot. if she's silly when she's sober, holy crap she is ridiculous when she's drunk. And thankfully no one died, even though we apparently had a close call. haha. way to live jill!
anyway, i'm feeling very bitter sweet right now. i know i have an amazing life, amazing friends, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm not actually participating in my life. i'm a bystander.
sigh.
I had a great time last night. party at my place. great people. lots of alcohol.
i just don't feel like i k now how to feel anymore.
i think having a journal around when i drink is a damned good idea.
i wrote some interesting things. some thoughts i didn't want to say out loud.
made me think too much though. so who knows. middle ground i guess.
when i went to iowa and they threw a party for me i took notes at all times. i enjoy that.
i need to let myself be artistic again. i doodled last night and i haven't done that shit forever. it felt good.
i want to paint.
i'm tired of being drunk.
at all times.
all . fucking . times.
Jill and I had our signature great conversations last night, of course.
i love conversations like that. you can realize more about yourself through talking to people that actually get it than you can by just thinking.
there were too many love songs last night. too many conversations about love. i told jill that me and Oli hadn't said we loved each other yet and she seemed surprised.
when i actually let myself just look in his eyes and be absorbed by him and vulnerable, i think i might love him.
but there are way too many instances where our walls are so far up.
and i know we drink to break down our walls around each other, but when will that fucking change?
if it ever does....
i asked him what he would do if i died in a year and he looked very sad. i'm not used to feeling like my life really impacts someone else's.
i love him. but i'm not sure if i'm in love with him.
i'm not sure if we'll ever be in love.
its actually kind of hard to swallow, as i write those words out.
probably because it feels like honesty.
and i just really fucking hope i'm proven wrong, soon.
i love Jill. I love having her around. We are friendship soul mates. there is no getting around it. i can't relate to or open up to anyone else in that way and have them actually understand it. not only understand it but take a different perspective and open my eyes to it. I cherish those conversations. The boys are tons of fun, of course and Lyssa is just a riot. if she's silly when she's sober, holy crap she is ridiculous when she's drunk. And thankfully no one died, even though we apparently had a close call. haha. way to live jill!
anyway, i'm feeling very bitter sweet right now. i know i have an amazing life, amazing friends, but i'm tired of feeling like i'm not actually participating in my life. i'm a bystander.
sigh.