(no subject)
things with Oli have been amazing for the most part.
he came out here. we had a great time.
he left to go home on tuesday, i believe, and a 9 p.m. i get a phone call from him, informing me he hit a deer outside of missoula. haha. so i went to pick him up and he stayed here for longer. haha.
so this weekend was the dave matthews concert, so we figured we'd just make the extra couple of hours to tacoma to drop him off, he can ride his motorcycle back, and once his car is fixed we can go to missoula and pick it up.
so we went to missoula friday night, got dinner with jill, which was awesome, then on to spokane
we dropped lyssa off in spokane and made our way to a hotel. across from the hotel was this cute little dirty dark mexican place where we did a bunch of shots and drank shitty mexican beer. it was a lot of fun. then the next day to the gorge, set up our shit, had a lot of drinks and went to the concert. awesome concert. the next morning we pressed on to tacoma, saw ian, loaded oli's shit all up in my vehicle, said goodbye, then went to spokane again. picked up lyssa. this morning we came home. awesome.
I am realizing Oli and I get along fabulously once we've gotten a couple of drinks in us. which bothers me, but we're just not comfortable with each other yet.
after three years with having ltitle to no point of reference for each other except the back of the mind potential love of our lives. so i think we've both expected a lot from each other, but at the same time i think we're both anxious that the other is expecting a lot. ironic, no?
he is like no one i've ever dated. he doesn't try to make me someone i'm not, but at the same time he doesn't try to uncover who i am. which doesn't necessarily bother me, its just quite different. and i'm tired of lying to myself about it.
john and i got a couple drinks after work the other day. we talked about our past, like usual, we talked about his marriage and we talked about Oli. there is certainly a spark that isn't 100 percent ignited when i'm around Oli. but there is enough to make it worth it.
i told myself i'd make the decision to walk away or lie to myself if i realized something wasn't there.
but something is.
enough to prevent me from walking away.
and that's all that mattered after that conversation with john.
so that made me feel good.
but i also realize there are a lot of layers i've built around myself.
a lot of walls that i don't even know how to knock down.
we had a pretty intense conversation at the gorge on saturday before the dave concert though.
he revealed something painful in his life. and i responded by revealing something painful in mine.
something he didn't really know how to react to, it seemed, in the same way i wasn't 100 percent sure i reacted correctly to his story.
i asked him not to take it into consideration, i've dealt with it, it doesn't bother me, it did, up until recently, but i'm okay, etc.
but something changed. the next day. it was different. that night. it was different.
and i'm pretty sure i know why. its either him trying to avoid the situation entirely to show it doesn't matter to him, or that he has tainted his view of me now.
which i know is not true. i know the first idea is far more likely than the second but it still makes me very anxious.
and this is something that would be hard to bring up in conversation wtih him.
and i really just needed to vent about this before i lost my mind.
i adore him. he is amazing. he is sweet. we get along so well. he is funny. he is smart. he is quiet. we have great conversations (Even if it is after a couple drinks). i feel safe when i'm with him. i feel happy when i'm around him. i love the way he looks at me. i love the way i look at him. i love the way he sang his silly dave matthews songs to me. i just wish i t wasn't alcohol induced.
i wish i could be silly and random around him. i wish i could say what was on my mind and expect him to appreciate it.
but at the same time, all things considered, i'm so much happier with him than ANYONE i've dated since i've been in the military. so this is all on a weighted scale of straight up perfection. and go figure it doesn't measure up.
but what kills me is how quiet he is about everything. he expresses how he feels about me from time to time, but then once i screw up something or i feel like i need validation he definitely doesn't pick up on it, which is probably a good thing for me, honestly, but still hard to get used to.
and when i ask silly questions like 'are you sure you want to move to montana still?' he looks at me with a bewildered look as if 'um, of course i want to move to wherever you are' and it makes it all okay again.
and just in the course of writing this blog, i have come up wtih a few things i need to talk to him about. which will be good for the future.
and honestly i think the thing that is bothering me the most is something i did to myself.
i made the mistake of being a girl and asking a question like 'what kind of girl do you see yourself ending up with?'
and he made the mistake of being a man and answering the question.
haha. so that has been bothering me a little bit as well, because i'm not what he described. but he also seemed to make the point to put in the past tense... so it doesnt bother me that much.
... gosh, this was a lot to write, i didnt realize i had so much on my mind.
but i'm going to take a break from thinking now and hit the bottle some more.
woo!
he came out here. we had a great time.
he left to go home on tuesday, i believe, and a 9 p.m. i get a phone call from him, informing me he hit a deer outside of missoula. haha. so i went to pick him up and he stayed here for longer. haha.
so this weekend was the dave matthews concert, so we figured we'd just make the extra couple of hours to tacoma to drop him off, he can ride his motorcycle back, and once his car is fixed we can go to missoula and pick it up.
so we went to missoula friday night, got dinner with jill, which was awesome, then on to spokane
we dropped lyssa off in spokane and made our way to a hotel. across from the hotel was this cute little dirty dark mexican place where we did a bunch of shots and drank shitty mexican beer. it was a lot of fun. then the next day to the gorge, set up our shit, had a lot of drinks and went to the concert. awesome concert. the next morning we pressed on to tacoma, saw ian, loaded oli's shit all up in my vehicle, said goodbye, then went to spokane again. picked up lyssa. this morning we came home. awesome.
I am realizing Oli and I get along fabulously once we've gotten a couple of drinks in us. which bothers me, but we're just not comfortable with each other yet.
after three years with having ltitle to no point of reference for each other except the back of the mind potential love of our lives. so i think we've both expected a lot from each other, but at the same time i think we're both anxious that the other is expecting a lot. ironic, no?
he is like no one i've ever dated. he doesn't try to make me someone i'm not, but at the same time he doesn't try to uncover who i am. which doesn't necessarily bother me, its just quite different. and i'm tired of lying to myself about it.
john and i got a couple drinks after work the other day. we talked about our past, like usual, we talked about his marriage and we talked about Oli. there is certainly a spark that isn't 100 percent ignited when i'm around Oli. but there is enough to make it worth it.
i told myself i'd make the decision to walk away or lie to myself if i realized something wasn't there.
but something is.
enough to prevent me from walking away.
and that's all that mattered after that conversation with john.
so that made me feel good.
but i also realize there are a lot of layers i've built around myself.
a lot of walls that i don't even know how to knock down.
we had a pretty intense conversation at the gorge on saturday before the dave concert though.
he revealed something painful in his life. and i responded by revealing something painful in mine.
something he didn't really know how to react to, it seemed, in the same way i wasn't 100 percent sure i reacted correctly to his story.
i asked him not to take it into consideration, i've dealt with it, it doesn't bother me, it did, up until recently, but i'm okay, etc.
but something changed. the next day. it was different. that night. it was different.
and i'm pretty sure i know why. its either him trying to avoid the situation entirely to show it doesn't matter to him, or that he has tainted his view of me now.
which i know is not true. i know the first idea is far more likely than the second but it still makes me very anxious.
and this is something that would be hard to bring up in conversation wtih him.
and i really just needed to vent about this before i lost my mind.
i adore him. he is amazing. he is sweet. we get along so well. he is funny. he is smart. he is quiet. we have great conversations (Even if it is after a couple drinks). i feel safe when i'm with him. i feel happy when i'm around him. i love the way he looks at me. i love the way i look at him. i love the way he sang his silly dave matthews songs to me. i just wish i t wasn't alcohol induced.
i wish i could be silly and random around him. i wish i could say what was on my mind and expect him to appreciate it.
but at the same time, all things considered, i'm so much happier with him than ANYONE i've dated since i've been in the military. so this is all on a weighted scale of straight up perfection. and go figure it doesn't measure up.
but what kills me is how quiet he is about everything. he expresses how he feels about me from time to time, but then once i screw up something or i feel like i need validation he definitely doesn't pick up on it, which is probably a good thing for me, honestly, but still hard to get used to.
and when i ask silly questions like 'are you sure you want to move to montana still?' he looks at me with a bewildered look as if 'um, of course i want to move to wherever you are' and it makes it all okay again.
and just in the course of writing this blog, i have come up wtih a few things i need to talk to him about. which will be good for the future.
and honestly i think the thing that is bothering me the most is something i did to myself.
i made the mistake of being a girl and asking a question like 'what kind of girl do you see yourself ending up with?'
and he made the mistake of being a man and answering the question.
haha. so that has been bothering me a little bit as well, because i'm not what he described. but he also seemed to make the point to put in the past tense... so it doesnt bother me that much.
... gosh, this was a lot to write, i didnt realize i had so much on my mind.
but i'm going to take a break from thinking now and hit the bottle some more.
woo!