(no subject)
I guess all things have to come to an end at some point. No matter how miserable and shitty the ending is.
Summer is nearly over, but that gives way to fall, and fall is something beautiful. I'm hoping for a chance to visit Higgings/Houghton Lake in the fall, when the leaves are turning colors, and people are burning leaves, wood, etc. Everything is so cool and crisp, the smells and atmosphere something I have no comparison for.
I'm leaving in a couple days for the Porcupine Mountains, with James Dake, and a few others. I'm looking forward to the solitude that I'm reasonably certain I'll find. Hopefully some peaceful nights and stimulating days, hiking, swimming, learning. Learning about the woods, the animals. The things that I know will be there to soothe all the hurt in my heart when I need them. Well, they'll be there if they are allowed to flourish these days...
I slept for hours today, the first time in a long time I've actually purposely laid down to sleep, with the hope of not waking up for awhile. When you sleep, sure you have dreams, nightmares, but they are nothing to the pain of my waking moments. I could argue with you about what's happening, but I don't want to anymore. I am tired of it, and tired of being avoided (the most painful thing is that you ever would avoid me) and sick of being the fall back girl.
I should have faith in myself, I should believe that what you tell me is true? Actions will always speak louder than words, my friend, and I believe what I see, and have trouble accepting what I'm hearing. Especially after so much of it. Over and over again, you say the same things, and go and do something totally to the contrary. You can get mad if you want, you can tell me I demanded too much of you. But try to think of the things I really expected out of you. Nowhere in the list I gave you was there mention of jewelry, constant shopping trips, dinners, trips to the movies etc etc. I dont care all that much about materials, and the fact that you would argue that point with me, just shows that you aren't all that aware of the things I really wanted from you.
I wanted you to understand me. I wanted you to see that even though I'm 21 and getting older, I refuse to accept the regular institutions of adulthood, I want to remain a child. You could view me as a strong spirited woman who speaks her mind, doesn't allow herself to be used as a doormat, and yes, is not afraid of confrontation. I wanted you not just to see the things that I'm capable of reproducing on paper, but to realize that I believe in those things that come out of my head, and I wanted it to make you think I was wonderful.
I wanted to teach you how to play. I would have liked to show you how to take a walk in the woods, and actually LISTEN to the voices of the forest. To lay down on our backs, chewing a blade of grass and watching the clouds go by, and to make you realize that rushing off to the next thing you need to get done can wait. Life is a series of little moments. You miss so many of them.
I spent a lot of time over the past year and more in your bedroom, bringing a book with me, or bringing nothing, relaxing and enjoying your company, of course, but wishing, hoping, that at some point you'd want to go run around and be silly with me.
I expected you to support my beliefs, convictions, and ideals. I expected you to be proud of me, because in a world where all people find to truly believe in is number 1, money, THINGS, or what they can get out of others....I have something else. I have joined the ranks of people who believe in saving the things we already have, in getting angry when the small minded few try to rob us of them. And you advise me that some of the things I believe in are fake, fraud. Because in your world of internet security and computers, you've learned to be afraid of every thing that comes in front of your eyes. If you can't trust something...someone...then what is the point!
So maybe that is a really long list of things I expected from someone who loved me. But if you break it down, there's nothing in there that is beyond your power to give. It's just beyond your motivation. Love, relationships. They are about compromise. Can you honestly tell me that I didn't give you enough?? Yes, we have different needs, to be sure. But was I always there to listen, to go do the things you needed to do, wanted to do?
You have made me happier than anyone I've ever met. And in my memories, when all this is over, the good will outweigh the bad. But get used to the idea of females needing all that additional "emotional" support. It happens. Even if you date a girl entirely different from me.
And everyonce in awhile, throw away that thing you call pride, and be the first to call, be the one to call back when she's crying, be the one to show up unexpectedly when you know that's all she wants.
None of this really matters anymore, I don't think. But at least I got it off my chest.
Summer is nearly over, but that gives way to fall, and fall is something beautiful. I'm hoping for a chance to visit Higgings/Houghton Lake in the fall, when the leaves are turning colors, and people are burning leaves, wood, etc. Everything is so cool and crisp, the smells and atmosphere something I have no comparison for.
I'm leaving in a couple days for the Porcupine Mountains, with James Dake, and a few others. I'm looking forward to the solitude that I'm reasonably certain I'll find. Hopefully some peaceful nights and stimulating days, hiking, swimming, learning. Learning about the woods, the animals. The things that I know will be there to soothe all the hurt in my heart when I need them. Well, they'll be there if they are allowed to flourish these days...
I slept for hours today, the first time in a long time I've actually purposely laid down to sleep, with the hope of not waking up for awhile. When you sleep, sure you have dreams, nightmares, but they are nothing to the pain of my waking moments. I could argue with you about what's happening, but I don't want to anymore. I am tired of it, and tired of being avoided (the most painful thing is that you ever would avoid me) and sick of being the fall back girl.
I should have faith in myself, I should believe that what you tell me is true? Actions will always speak louder than words, my friend, and I believe what I see, and have trouble accepting what I'm hearing. Especially after so much of it. Over and over again, you say the same things, and go and do something totally to the contrary. You can get mad if you want, you can tell me I demanded too much of you. But try to think of the things I really expected out of you. Nowhere in the list I gave you was there mention of jewelry, constant shopping trips, dinners, trips to the movies etc etc. I dont care all that much about materials, and the fact that you would argue that point with me, just shows that you aren't all that aware of the things I really wanted from you.
I wanted you to understand me. I wanted you to see that even though I'm 21 and getting older, I refuse to accept the regular institutions of adulthood, I want to remain a child. You could view me as a strong spirited woman who speaks her mind, doesn't allow herself to be used as a doormat, and yes, is not afraid of confrontation. I wanted you not just to see the things that I'm capable of reproducing on paper, but to realize that I believe in those things that come out of my head, and I wanted it to make you think I was wonderful.
I wanted to teach you how to play. I would have liked to show you how to take a walk in the woods, and actually LISTEN to the voices of the forest. To lay down on our backs, chewing a blade of grass and watching the clouds go by, and to make you realize that rushing off to the next thing you need to get done can wait. Life is a series of little moments. You miss so many of them.
I spent a lot of time over the past year and more in your bedroom, bringing a book with me, or bringing nothing, relaxing and enjoying your company, of course, but wishing, hoping, that at some point you'd want to go run around and be silly with me.
I expected you to support my beliefs, convictions, and ideals. I expected you to be proud of me, because in a world where all people find to truly believe in is number 1, money, THINGS, or what they can get out of others....I have something else. I have joined the ranks of people who believe in saving the things we already have, in getting angry when the small minded few try to rob us of them. And you advise me that some of the things I believe in are fake, fraud. Because in your world of internet security and computers, you've learned to be afraid of every thing that comes in front of your eyes. If you can't trust something...someone...then what is the point!
So maybe that is a really long list of things I expected from someone who loved me. But if you break it down, there's nothing in there that is beyond your power to give. It's just beyond your motivation. Love, relationships. They are about compromise. Can you honestly tell me that I didn't give you enough?? Yes, we have different needs, to be sure. But was I always there to listen, to go do the things you needed to do, wanted to do?
You have made me happier than anyone I've ever met. And in my memories, when all this is over, the good will outweigh the bad. But get used to the idea of females needing all that additional "emotional" support. It happens. Even if you date a girl entirely different from me.
And everyonce in awhile, throw away that thing you call pride, and be the first to call, be the one to call back when she's crying, be the one to show up unexpectedly when you know that's all she wants.
None of this really matters anymore, I don't think. But at least I got it off my chest.