(no subject)
Another day. For one moment I seemed to lead a life blessed. I knew who I was. I was safe, bold, confident. Now the world around me darkens. I don’t have my once large and bottomless confidence. Why is it that whenever I reach the top, I do so just to be thrust back down again?????? It doesn’t seem fair, and yet I know I should be happy. Am I just jealous that my friends seem a tighter group without me? Have I isolated myself? I don’t think so. I usually feel like this. I suppose it is just that I haven’t ever taken a fall before. I didn’t lose anything in particular. I guess I just don’t know who I am anymore. Does my life have to be a choice between love and friendship? Can I not love without being isolated? I know my friends feel the same way sometimes. Why is it that I, who was brimming and overflowing with confidence for so long, and who always remind my friends that a better day will come, and who was so sure that he knew who he was, am losing sight of who I am? Am I over-reacting? Probably. But have I ever filled so with doubt before? And if not, why should I now???????????????????????????? I don’t think that I have ever felt so disconnected in my life, and I don’t understand this. It is as though my brain is in recession and my heart has stepped forward. They have not learned to coexist, and why should they know how? Part of me says maybe I just had my head inflated and it was somehow by somebody punctured. I have no reason to doubt people, but I do anyway. My wall against emotion was torn down, but why then is it back but fragmented. I can still function. I can act, love, and be genuinely happy with it there, but it seems just to spring up at certain times in odd places. I thought I had a place, but maybe I don’t. Part of me feels lie nothing has changed and that I am just thinking for the first time in months. I feel lost, because I don’t have answers for myself the way I usually do. I cant give an explanation, whether true or false, like I normally can. So hear I find myself, writing this way for the first time. I am a thinker. I am not a writer. I feel like a fox-hole Christian, praying as he knows his life is about to end. Except now I am writing. Maybe this is cliché to do, maybe it isn’t. I feel a need to put myself out for once. I haven’t ever done that before. Maybe nobody knows who I am and maybe I don’t and never did either. In fact I know nobody else does. The only other time anybody has seen me has was when I was pissed off. I am sure I must seem shallow. Maybe I am. Doubt. Doubt doubt doubt doubt doubt.