On the First Day of Christmas...
“Daniel?” The tone of Vala’s voice indicated trouble, and Daniel rubbed his forehead with one hand. Two days before Christmas, and the Ori threat meant that SG-1 was still on base through the holidays, which made everything seem just a little more dreary to the man, and the last thing he wanted was to know what Vala was up to now.
“What did you do?” he stated flatly. The translation he was puzzling over was almost the headache Vala was.
She looked mildly offended. “I didn’t do anything. Why did you assume I did something?”
“Because you only say my name in that tone of voice when there’s a problem,” he said, looking at her over the top of his glasses. “Therefore, I repeat my question. What did you do?”
“There is a problem,” she said, bouncing over to a chair next to him. She lowered her voice. “But I didn’t cause it.”
Daniel raised his eyebrows skeptically. “What is it?”
“Everyone on base is talking about someone,” she said conspiratorially. “Someone I’ve never heard of or read about in the mission reports. It’s this Santa Claus. Now, Daniel, I know that you Earthlings are stupid, but really, Mitchell says that this Santa comes into your homes and leaves gifts. Surely the Tau’ri know enough not to allow an Ancient to come into their home and leave a gift without expecting something in return.”
Her expression was deadly serious. Daniel opened his mouth to speak, thought better of what he was about to say and amended it. “Mitchell told you all this?” Vala nodded. “Even the part about Santa being an Ancient?”
“Yes, and Daniel, you know as well as I do that the Ancients-well, no one-gives anything for free.”
“Okay,” Daniel said. “Vala, Mitchell was having you on. Santa is not an Ancient. He’s just a story we tell to children.”
Vala gave him a withering look. “Really, Daniel, you don’t have to get defensive because you didn’t think of it first, but you have to admit that it makes sense. After all, didn’t Arthur and his court used to be just a story you told children?”
Daniel opened his mouth to say something again, and shut it again. Vala readjusted her position. “So, the most important thing I want to know is Santa going to bring me something?”
He was going to kill Mitchell for this.
***
Daniel found Mitchell in the officer’s mess enjoying a bowl of Jello with something resembling melted whipped cream on top. The colonel was poking at the whipped cream despondently while Teal’c and Sam looked on with amusement. “You. I am going to kill you.”
Mitchell looked up from his Jello. “What did I do?”
“You told Vala that Santa Claus was an Ancient!”
Sam nearly choked on her coffee. “You told Vala what?”
Mitchell looked from Teal’c to Sam to Daniel then back to Teal’c in hopes of help. Teal’c merely raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I guess I did.” “Did you explain that Santa is just a story?” Sam asked.
“I tried,” Daniel said, sitting down and snagging himself a cup of coffee. “I tried explaining the history of Santa Claus to her, everything. She keeps countering with the fact that humans have a tendency to turn stories about Ancients into folktalkes.”
“This is true,” Teal’c rumbled. “The Tau’ri have made the stories about Arthur and his knights a great part of their mythology, have they not?”
“I never understood how St. Nicholas got turned into Santa Claus,” Mitchell said, completely off topic. “That never made any sense to me.”
“In German, it turns into something more closely approximating Sinterklaus,” Sam explained. “That’s how we got Santa Claus in English. It probably became common usage during the time of Alfred the Great and evolved from Old English into the modern-“ she trailed off.
“Oh dear God,” Daniel said, realizing where she was going.
“Wait a second,” Mitchell said, gesturing with his spoon. “I’ve missed something.”
“Old English-“ Daniel said. “It’s one of the languages that evolved from Ancient.”
Teal’c raised his eyebrows as Sam and Daniel both rose from the table. Mitchell sat there with his mouth open for a minute before shouting after them, “Wait, I meant it as a joke! I can’t have guessed that Santa Claus was really an Ancient!”
***
“According to the Ancient database, St. Nicolas was a person,” Sam said, shaking her head in wonder. “He wandered around, giving gifts to those he found worthy. Often times, he was accompanied by another person who punished the wicked he found on his travels.”
“Does it say who that other person was?” Mitchell asked, leaning against the table in Daniel’s office.
Daniel shook his head. “Not here. We could probably extrapolate from the Old English.” Mitchell waved a hand indicating that it wasn’t necessary. “The database says that St. Nicholas ascended after blessing another to continue along his mission. That must be the St. Nicholas who is buried in Italy.”
“I can’t believe you guessed this, Cam,” Sam said, shaking her head. “Of all the things for you to have joked about with Vala, you picked this, and it’s true!”
“Did I hear my name?” Vala said, poking her head into the room. “What’s going on?”
Daniel looked at the others. “It turns out that it’s true, Vala. Santa Claus was an Ancient.’
She didn’t look surprised. “Of course he was, Daniel. I still think it’s silly that you let him go into your house at night, though, but when in London-“
Daniel winced. “When in Rome, Vala.”
Her eyes lit up. “I wonder what he’s going to bring me!” She bounced once and disappeared.
“Should one of us not tell her that this Santa Claus does not actually bring presents?” Teal’c asked.
“We can’t tell her that,” Mitchell said. “That’d be like telling a kid that there’s no-“ he paused.
“That there’s no Santa Claus?” Sam finished for him.
“Something like that,” he muttered.
“Well, then someone is going to have to be Santa Claus for her,” Sam said.
Mitchell and Daniel looked at one another, then at Teal’c. The Jaffa folded his arms across his chest and stared at them.
“Oh, no,” Mitchell started, but Daniel cut him off.
“You’re the one that got us into this mess to begin with,” Daniel said. “So you’re going to be Santa.”
“Not only that,” Sam said, “but you’re going to be the one who has goes to General Landry and gets him to let me off base long enough to buy something for Vala from Santa and find you a Santa outfit.”
“We don’t have anything here that would do?” Mitchell said miserably.
“As well stocked as this base may be, I do not think we have a Santa Claus outfit,” Teal’c said.
“Yes, it does!” Daniel said. “The marines upstairs at NORAD do Toys for Tots. They’ve got one. All we need is something to give Vala from Santa. What did you all get her for Christmas?”
“A new shirt,” Sam said promptly.
“I give gifts at the Jaffa holiday of Shan’mar,” Teal’c said. “This you know well, Daniel Jackson.”
“I was supposed to get Vala something for Christmas?” Mitchell said. He stopped. “What? I didn’t get you all anything either.”
“I suppose we could give Vala what we got for Cam,” Sam said.
“I don’t think she’d appreciate a subscription to Guns and Ammo,” Daniel said. “Does anyone have an idea on what she wants?”
“What did you get her, Daniel?” Sam asked.
“She wanted a coffee mug with her name on it,” Daniel said. “Do you know how hard it is to get someone to put ‘Vala’ on a mug that’s dishwasher and microwave safe?”
“Perfect!” Sam said. “We’ll give her that, and I’ve got some old sparkly hair barrettes somewhere.”
“But then I don’t have anything to give her for Christmas!” Daniel protested.
“Make something up,” Mitchell suggested. “Tell her it hasn’t come in yet. That’s what I was going to do if you all got me something for Christmas and I hadn’t got you anything. Tell you that it was backordered.”
“You are an evil human being,” Sam said, staring at him. She smacked his hand as he tried to sneak one of the Jolly Ranchers from the drawer. “Someone has to have a bag of candy that we can trade a favor for, too.” She looked at the men standing around. “Go on, shoo. Anything sparkly or sweet that you can trade for, go get it.”
“You realize that I outrank you, right?” Mitchell said.
“You realize that if General Landry finds out about this, I’m going to tell him that you suggested he wear the Santa suit,” Sam said.
He scooted out the doorway faster than anyone else.
***
Daniel didn’t think that Vala Mal Doran could get more excited, but she could. Walter had rigged up a CD player in the mess and Christmas music was playing, and even he, the self-appointed Christmas Scrooge of the base, was beginning to get into the spirit as Vala tried to string popcorn. “This is a lot of run, Daniel. You Earthlings have much more fun at your holidays than anyone else I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, you’re not going to be able to keep stringing popcorn if you keep eating it,” he said, squinting at the string he was attempting to put together. “It’s meant to go on the tree, not in your mouth.”
“I don’t really understand why you bring a tree indoors,” she said pensively, “or why it would be miniature or artificial, or why you decorate it, but it is fun. I like that tinsel stuff.”
“You still have some in your hair,” he observed.
She ignored him and held up her string. “There, see! Finished. Now I get to eat the rest.”
“You know, Santa only comes if you’ve been good,” he said.
Vala craned her neck to glance at him from her position near the three foot tree that someone had set up on the middle table in the mess. “I’ve been good.” She paused to think for a minute. “Well, I’ve mostly been good.” A moment later, she turned back around. “Just how good do you have to be for Santa to come?”
Daniel chuckled. “I’m sure you’ll make it.”
“When does he come?” she said, bounding back over to the table and grabbing a handful of popcorn.
“He comes when you’re asleep,” Daniel said, finishing his string of popcorn. “And he knows when you’re sleeping, Vala.”
“Of course he does,” Vala said, “He’s an Ancient.” Her eyes gleamed. “The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner it will be, won’t it?”
“That was-is-generally my philosophy,” Daniel said.
“Do you know what?” Vala said.
“Do I even want to ask?”
“I think that Santa doesn’t come to you because you don’t believe in him anymore, Daniel Jackson,” she said, crossing her arms. “The Ori require worship to make them powerful. Well, Santa doesn’t require worship for power, but maybe in return for the gifts, he requires belief.”
Daniel, one of the few beings on the Earth to have lived life as an Ascended being, thought about saying something, and as he had so often over the last day and a half, again said nothing.
***
Mitchell very quietly opened the door to Vala’s quarters. The basket he had in his hands was filled with goodies that he’d spent most of his day trading people for. He owed a marine two bottles of vodka, and he was completely out of cash, but the basket was full as he snuck into the room. Outside in the hallway, Sam, Daniel and Teal’c were watching his progress.
He felt ridiculous in the Santa suit. He’d tried to make the argument that he was colonel in the Air Force and he could sneak into Vala’s quarters and leave the gift there without her waking up.
They’d made him wear it anyway. He supposed it was part of his punishment.
He was almost back to the door when he heard a voice speak out of the darkness like Cindy Lou Who. “Santa?”
Mitchell froze. “Ho ho ho!” he said, in as deep a voice as he could manage. “Go back to sleep, Vala, and Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas, Santa,” he heard her say sleepily. He slipped back out into the hallway and quietly closed the door. He took four quiet steps away from the door and ran.
General Landry was nearly bowled over by a Santa Claus bolting down the hallway, followed closely behind by Carter, Jackson and Teal’c. He shook his head and didn’t bother asking.
***
Daniel was sound asleep when something pounced on him. “Daniel, wake up, it’s Christmas!”
“Oof,” was all he could manage. “What time is it?”
“0500,” Vala said. “Daniel, wake up, Santa came!”
He opened one eye to look at the clock. “Vala, it is four-thirty in the morning. Even if it is Christmas morning.”
“But Santa came,” she said urgently, yanking the blanket off the bed. “Look!”
Giving up on sleep, Daniel finally opened both eyes to see the basket Mitchell had left in Vala’s room sitting on the pillow beside him. “Very nice. Is that a mug with your name on it?”
“Yes!” she said. “Just like I wanted!”
“I bet it’s even dishwasher and microwave safe,” he said, yawning.
“And look, I have new sparkly barrettes!” she said, turning her head to show them in her hair. “And a ton of candy!”
The candy got his notice. He reached for a peppermint to get the morning taste out of his mouth. “Delicious.”
She stood up on his bed and looked around. “Oh, Daniel, you didn’t get anything.”
“S’ok,” he mumbled. “I’ll live.”
“I’ll share,” she said, popping a chocolate into her mouth. “What did you get me?”
“It hasn’t come in yet,” he said, too sleepy to think of something better. “It’s on backorder.”
She seemed to accept that explanation. “That’s okay. It makes Christmas last longer!”
“Glad you approve,” he said. “Why don’t you go back to bed and sleep a little longer?”
“I’ve already had coffee,” she announced. “I’ve been up since three. I was waiting to get you up.”
Daniel took another look at the clock. “Why don’t you go show Mitchell what you got?”
Vala made a face. “He sleeps with a gun under his pillow.”
“I don’t even want to know how you know that,” Daniel said. He sighed. “Fine, I’ll get up.”
Vala leaped off the bed. “Oh, Daniel?”
“Yes?” he said, reaching for his glasses.
“There’s something else in here. It’s a toy, but it says some assembly required.”
He was going to kill Mitchell.
“What did you do?” he stated flatly. The translation he was puzzling over was almost the headache Vala was.
She looked mildly offended. “I didn’t do anything. Why did you assume I did something?”
“Because you only say my name in that tone of voice when there’s a problem,” he said, looking at her over the top of his glasses. “Therefore, I repeat my question. What did you do?”
“There is a problem,” she said, bouncing over to a chair next to him. She lowered her voice. “But I didn’t cause it.”
Daniel raised his eyebrows skeptically. “What is it?”
“Everyone on base is talking about someone,” she said conspiratorially. “Someone I’ve never heard of or read about in the mission reports. It’s this Santa Claus. Now, Daniel, I know that you Earthlings are stupid, but really, Mitchell says that this Santa comes into your homes and leaves gifts. Surely the Tau’ri know enough not to allow an Ancient to come into their home and leave a gift without expecting something in return.”
Her expression was deadly serious. Daniel opened his mouth to speak, thought better of what he was about to say and amended it. “Mitchell told you all this?” Vala nodded. “Even the part about Santa being an Ancient?”
“Yes, and Daniel, you know as well as I do that the Ancients-well, no one-gives anything for free.”
“Okay,” Daniel said. “Vala, Mitchell was having you on. Santa is not an Ancient. He’s just a story we tell to children.”
Vala gave him a withering look. “Really, Daniel, you don’t have to get defensive because you didn’t think of it first, but you have to admit that it makes sense. After all, didn’t Arthur and his court used to be just a story you told children?”
Daniel opened his mouth to say something again, and shut it again. Vala readjusted her position. “So, the most important thing I want to know is Santa going to bring me something?”
He was going to kill Mitchell for this.
***
Daniel found Mitchell in the officer’s mess enjoying a bowl of Jello with something resembling melted whipped cream on top. The colonel was poking at the whipped cream despondently while Teal’c and Sam looked on with amusement. “You. I am going to kill you.”
Mitchell looked up from his Jello. “What did I do?”
“You told Vala that Santa Claus was an Ancient!”
Sam nearly choked on her coffee. “You told Vala what?”
Mitchell looked from Teal’c to Sam to Daniel then back to Teal’c in hopes of help. Teal’c merely raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, I guess I did.” “Did you explain that Santa is just a story?” Sam asked.
“I tried,” Daniel said, sitting down and snagging himself a cup of coffee. “I tried explaining the history of Santa Claus to her, everything. She keeps countering with the fact that humans have a tendency to turn stories about Ancients into folktalkes.”
“This is true,” Teal’c rumbled. “The Tau’ri have made the stories about Arthur and his knights a great part of their mythology, have they not?”
“I never understood how St. Nicholas got turned into Santa Claus,” Mitchell said, completely off topic. “That never made any sense to me.”
“In German, it turns into something more closely approximating Sinterklaus,” Sam explained. “That’s how we got Santa Claus in English. It probably became common usage during the time of Alfred the Great and evolved from Old English into the modern-“ she trailed off.
“Oh dear God,” Daniel said, realizing where she was going.
“Wait a second,” Mitchell said, gesturing with his spoon. “I’ve missed something.”
“Old English-“ Daniel said. “It’s one of the languages that evolved from Ancient.”
Teal’c raised his eyebrows as Sam and Daniel both rose from the table. Mitchell sat there with his mouth open for a minute before shouting after them, “Wait, I meant it as a joke! I can’t have guessed that Santa Claus was really an Ancient!”
***
“According to the Ancient database, St. Nicolas was a person,” Sam said, shaking her head in wonder. “He wandered around, giving gifts to those he found worthy. Often times, he was accompanied by another person who punished the wicked he found on his travels.”
“Does it say who that other person was?” Mitchell asked, leaning against the table in Daniel’s office.
Daniel shook his head. “Not here. We could probably extrapolate from the Old English.” Mitchell waved a hand indicating that it wasn’t necessary. “The database says that St. Nicholas ascended after blessing another to continue along his mission. That must be the St. Nicholas who is buried in Italy.”
“I can’t believe you guessed this, Cam,” Sam said, shaking her head. “Of all the things for you to have joked about with Vala, you picked this, and it’s true!”
“Did I hear my name?” Vala said, poking her head into the room. “What’s going on?”
Daniel looked at the others. “It turns out that it’s true, Vala. Santa Claus was an Ancient.’
She didn’t look surprised. “Of course he was, Daniel. I still think it’s silly that you let him go into your house at night, though, but when in London-“
Daniel winced. “When in Rome, Vala.”
Her eyes lit up. “I wonder what he’s going to bring me!” She bounced once and disappeared.
“Should one of us not tell her that this Santa Claus does not actually bring presents?” Teal’c asked.
“We can’t tell her that,” Mitchell said. “That’d be like telling a kid that there’s no-“ he paused.
“That there’s no Santa Claus?” Sam finished for him.
“Something like that,” he muttered.
“Well, then someone is going to have to be Santa Claus for her,” Sam said.
Mitchell and Daniel looked at one another, then at Teal’c. The Jaffa folded his arms across his chest and stared at them.
“Oh, no,” Mitchell started, but Daniel cut him off.
“You’re the one that got us into this mess to begin with,” Daniel said. “So you’re going to be Santa.”
“Not only that,” Sam said, “but you’re going to be the one who has goes to General Landry and gets him to let me off base long enough to buy something for Vala from Santa and find you a Santa outfit.”
“We don’t have anything here that would do?” Mitchell said miserably.
“As well stocked as this base may be, I do not think we have a Santa Claus outfit,” Teal’c said.
“Yes, it does!” Daniel said. “The marines upstairs at NORAD do Toys for Tots. They’ve got one. All we need is something to give Vala from Santa. What did you all get her for Christmas?”
“A new shirt,” Sam said promptly.
“I give gifts at the Jaffa holiday of Shan’mar,” Teal’c said. “This you know well, Daniel Jackson.”
“I was supposed to get Vala something for Christmas?” Mitchell said. He stopped. “What? I didn’t get you all anything either.”
“I suppose we could give Vala what we got for Cam,” Sam said.
“I don’t think she’d appreciate a subscription to Guns and Ammo,” Daniel said. “Does anyone have an idea on what she wants?”
“What did you get her, Daniel?” Sam asked.
“She wanted a coffee mug with her name on it,” Daniel said. “Do you know how hard it is to get someone to put ‘Vala’ on a mug that’s dishwasher and microwave safe?”
“Perfect!” Sam said. “We’ll give her that, and I’ve got some old sparkly hair barrettes somewhere.”
“But then I don’t have anything to give her for Christmas!” Daniel protested.
“Make something up,” Mitchell suggested. “Tell her it hasn’t come in yet. That’s what I was going to do if you all got me something for Christmas and I hadn’t got you anything. Tell you that it was backordered.”
“You are an evil human being,” Sam said, staring at him. She smacked his hand as he tried to sneak one of the Jolly Ranchers from the drawer. “Someone has to have a bag of candy that we can trade a favor for, too.” She looked at the men standing around. “Go on, shoo. Anything sparkly or sweet that you can trade for, go get it.”
“You realize that I outrank you, right?” Mitchell said.
“You realize that if General Landry finds out about this, I’m going to tell him that you suggested he wear the Santa suit,” Sam said.
He scooted out the doorway faster than anyone else.
***
Daniel didn’t think that Vala Mal Doran could get more excited, but she could. Walter had rigged up a CD player in the mess and Christmas music was playing, and even he, the self-appointed Christmas Scrooge of the base, was beginning to get into the spirit as Vala tried to string popcorn. “This is a lot of run, Daniel. You Earthlings have much more fun at your holidays than anyone else I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, you’re not going to be able to keep stringing popcorn if you keep eating it,” he said, squinting at the string he was attempting to put together. “It’s meant to go on the tree, not in your mouth.”
“I don’t really understand why you bring a tree indoors,” she said pensively, “or why it would be miniature or artificial, or why you decorate it, but it is fun. I like that tinsel stuff.”
“You still have some in your hair,” he observed.
She ignored him and held up her string. “There, see! Finished. Now I get to eat the rest.”
“You know, Santa only comes if you’ve been good,” he said.
Vala craned her neck to glance at him from her position near the three foot tree that someone had set up on the middle table in the mess. “I’ve been good.” She paused to think for a minute. “Well, I’ve mostly been good.” A moment later, she turned back around. “Just how good do you have to be for Santa to come?”
Daniel chuckled. “I’m sure you’ll make it.”
“When does he come?” she said, bounding back over to the table and grabbing a handful of popcorn.
“He comes when you’re asleep,” Daniel said, finishing his string of popcorn. “And he knows when you’re sleeping, Vala.”
“Of course he does,” Vala said, “He’s an Ancient.” Her eyes gleamed. “The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner it will be, won’t it?”
“That was-is-generally my philosophy,” Daniel said.
“Do you know what?” Vala said.
“Do I even want to ask?”
“I think that Santa doesn’t come to you because you don’t believe in him anymore, Daniel Jackson,” she said, crossing her arms. “The Ori require worship to make them powerful. Well, Santa doesn’t require worship for power, but maybe in return for the gifts, he requires belief.”
Daniel, one of the few beings on the Earth to have lived life as an Ascended being, thought about saying something, and as he had so often over the last day and a half, again said nothing.
***
Mitchell very quietly opened the door to Vala’s quarters. The basket he had in his hands was filled with goodies that he’d spent most of his day trading people for. He owed a marine two bottles of vodka, and he was completely out of cash, but the basket was full as he snuck into the room. Outside in the hallway, Sam, Daniel and Teal’c were watching his progress.
He felt ridiculous in the Santa suit. He’d tried to make the argument that he was colonel in the Air Force and he could sneak into Vala’s quarters and leave the gift there without her waking up.
They’d made him wear it anyway. He supposed it was part of his punishment.
He was almost back to the door when he heard a voice speak out of the darkness like Cindy Lou Who. “Santa?”
Mitchell froze. “Ho ho ho!” he said, in as deep a voice as he could manage. “Go back to sleep, Vala, and Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas, Santa,” he heard her say sleepily. He slipped back out into the hallway and quietly closed the door. He took four quiet steps away from the door and ran.
General Landry was nearly bowled over by a Santa Claus bolting down the hallway, followed closely behind by Carter, Jackson and Teal’c. He shook his head and didn’t bother asking.
***
Daniel was sound asleep when something pounced on him. “Daniel, wake up, it’s Christmas!”
“Oof,” was all he could manage. “What time is it?”
“0500,” Vala said. “Daniel, wake up, Santa came!”
He opened one eye to look at the clock. “Vala, it is four-thirty in the morning. Even if it is Christmas morning.”
“But Santa came,” she said urgently, yanking the blanket off the bed. “Look!”
Giving up on sleep, Daniel finally opened both eyes to see the basket Mitchell had left in Vala’s room sitting on the pillow beside him. “Very nice. Is that a mug with your name on it?”
“Yes!” she said. “Just like I wanted!”
“I bet it’s even dishwasher and microwave safe,” he said, yawning.
“And look, I have new sparkly barrettes!” she said, turning her head to show them in her hair. “And a ton of candy!”
The candy got his notice. He reached for a peppermint to get the morning taste out of his mouth. “Delicious.”
She stood up on his bed and looked around. “Oh, Daniel, you didn’t get anything.”
“S’ok,” he mumbled. “I’ll live.”
“I’ll share,” she said, popping a chocolate into her mouth. “What did you get me?”
“It hasn’t come in yet,” he said, too sleepy to think of something better. “It’s on backorder.”
She seemed to accept that explanation. “That’s okay. It makes Christmas last longer!”
“Glad you approve,” he said. “Why don’t you go back to bed and sleep a little longer?”
“I’ve already had coffee,” she announced. “I’ve been up since three. I was waiting to get you up.”
Daniel took another look at the clock. “Why don’t you go show Mitchell what you got?”
Vala made a face. “He sleeps with a gun under his pillow.”
“I don’t even want to know how you know that,” Daniel said. He sighed. “Fine, I’ll get up.”
Vala leaped off the bed. “Oh, Daniel?”
“Yes?” he said, reaching for his glasses.
“There’s something else in here. It’s a toy, but it says some assembly required.”
He was going to kill Mitchell.