good grief

[carrieconn]

If i could grant myself one wish it would have to be the ability to write a blog that for once in my life that would be positive. I hate the fact that I never have anything good to write about. Am i so lost in all the negative that I can't see the great things in life? Maybe so! I hate that people probably label me as the emo type. The truth is that i just haven't been truly happy in a long time. I truly do dislike myself. Im not comfortable in my own skin anymore. I feel stuck in this negative black hole! It just keeps sucking me in and feel like there is no end. It's getting so bad now that when i go out i feel as if everyone is talking about me. That the few friends i do have talk about me behind my back. Like they dread having to be my friend. I've let myself go...AGAIN! I was doing awesome at my pilates regimine and caloric intakes. I was riding my bike daily. it was great. Now my back is sooo fucked up that i couldn't imagine being on a bicycle seat! It was the only escape i had from the day of being stuck at home. Everyone tells me to get a job and i would love to do that but im afraid of being around other women my age. Women that dress like a woman, smell like a woman, have the nice hair. I still dress like a teenager most of the time. (not like todays teenage girl, that would mean that I dress like a slut) The only time i ever dress up nice, i look in the mirror and get disgusted! I was never raised to be a woman. My mother left us at the worst time possible for a teenage girl. Im not blaming anyone though. It's all me. I just don't give myself enough credit. I over analyze everything about myself. It's funny though, the only time i ever feel alive and awesome is when i go home. When i was young i wanted nothing but to leave. And why? I had the bestest friends! Maybe i thought there was more out there? There is more but its not worth a dime if you can't enjoy it with friends. I just want to go home. For some reason i feel more attractive and more comfortable with my shape and size. When im there, I am ME and it's okay. I do consider myself lucky. I met a great friend here. We have children the same age. She has more help though. A baby daddy and a mother. I don't have anyone. Yes, i do have the husband and all but once he comes home from work he's tired. He falls asleep when she does. when she's asleep that is my peaceful time. He's already passed out and i am left with no one to talk to. Thats why you guys see me on the myspace all the time. Im not terribly pathetic, just lonely. Just want an adult to talk to. Uhhh..and christmas. The time of year i really hate being me. We go to kurt's family's shindigs. Everyone but his immediate family has money. Their kids are beautiful, skinny and dressed well. Then you have me, married to the loud alcoholic. I just stand in the corner looking especially dumpy because i don't have the money to buy a nice dress. Im fat, different looking, and they pray to their god and thank him for having "normal" kids. They try to make small talk with me and the fakeness reeks more than their high dollar perfumes that they bathe in. Is it any wonder why I choose to spend the night puffing on cigs with a champagne glass in hand? Champagne is usually for celebrating...I wish that was the case for moi!

It did feel really good to type this all. I should really go tell this to a professional.

IM HOMESICK.