(no subject)
so, im awake.
im here although i feel like crap.
for some reason my stomache has been hurting all the time lately...it makes me wonder: is it the food i eat or do i have an ulcer or something? who fucking knows...i just wish it would go away and leave me alone.
lastnight after work i was really hoping that jess would be waiting at my car...i've been missing him like crazy this week. it sucks when you're totally in love with someone but you're life is on this schedule and you cant fit them in...i hate being busy all the time. but anyway, he got to go to southpark night at kristen's house while i went home and cried. i totally broke down and my mom held my hand. i told her as much as i knew i could talk about but theres so much that i cant tell her...
like how im never stealing again after yesterday...see, there is this really expensive lotion at the coop that i've used for over a year and i've had to spend $30 a bottle to get it. lastnight i decided to pocket it but before i could one of the haba ladies commented on its value. i hope that when they do inventory someone else has stolen some too...if not, im scared they might know it was me and fire me on the spot. thats what the coop does- if they find you stealing anything they'll fire you. they've had lots of problems in the past with employees stealing tips, money out of the till, merch...and after my hands stopped shaking last night i decided to never do it again. i cant risk my job like that...i need it inorder to make my life work. if i have no source of income than my plans for moving out are all in vain...
bleh.
tonight i have to sing at warmbeach with concert and synergy...our last x-mas performance. thank god...im so sick of concerts and chior and having to be all committed. break will be awesome b/c i wont have to think about synergy once...
and i think this is the first time that i havent been excited for x-mas ever. my mom was teasing me and telling me she knew what i was getting and i told her i didnt want to hear it...it just makes me feel guilty. usually i would help my mom do her shopping- i was her guru whom she would always consult on dad's and noal's and kim's gifts...but this year i've barely been home except for to sleep at night. i feel like a bad kid. like i've wronged my mom...she deserves a dedicated daughter.
so how can i dedicate myself to everything? chior, work, jess, my home life...how to i spread myself around without being spread way too thin?
im here although i feel like crap.
for some reason my stomache has been hurting all the time lately...it makes me wonder: is it the food i eat or do i have an ulcer or something? who fucking knows...i just wish it would go away and leave me alone.
lastnight after work i was really hoping that jess would be waiting at my car...i've been missing him like crazy this week. it sucks when you're totally in love with someone but you're life is on this schedule and you cant fit them in...i hate being busy all the time. but anyway, he got to go to southpark night at kristen's house while i went home and cried. i totally broke down and my mom held my hand. i told her as much as i knew i could talk about but theres so much that i cant tell her...
like how im never stealing again after yesterday...see, there is this really expensive lotion at the coop that i've used for over a year and i've had to spend $30 a bottle to get it. lastnight i decided to pocket it but before i could one of the haba ladies commented on its value. i hope that when they do inventory someone else has stolen some too...if not, im scared they might know it was me and fire me on the spot. thats what the coop does- if they find you stealing anything they'll fire you. they've had lots of problems in the past with employees stealing tips, money out of the till, merch...and after my hands stopped shaking last night i decided to never do it again. i cant risk my job like that...i need it inorder to make my life work. if i have no source of income than my plans for moving out are all in vain...
bleh.
tonight i have to sing at warmbeach with concert and synergy...our last x-mas performance. thank god...im so sick of concerts and chior and having to be all committed. break will be awesome b/c i wont have to think about synergy once...
and i think this is the first time that i havent been excited for x-mas ever. my mom was teasing me and telling me she knew what i was getting and i told her i didnt want to hear it...it just makes me feel guilty. usually i would help my mom do her shopping- i was her guru whom she would always consult on dad's and noal's and kim's gifts...but this year i've barely been home except for to sleep at night. i feel like a bad kid. like i've wronged my mom...she deserves a dedicated daughter.
so how can i dedicate myself to everything? chior, work, jess, my home life...how to i spread myself around without being spread way too thin?