(no subject)
people say its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
i'd like to think i've loved at all, but as it turns out, rotten details of my three year relationship with matt are surfacing, detailing that perhaps he was just humoring me or he felt bad for me, so for some undetermined amount of time he didn't actually love me like i thought he did.
see i never thought i'd have to worry about this stuff. i never thought i'd be alone in caseys apartment texting some fucking douchebag, offering my blowjob services to him. i never thought i'd have to worry about being alone forever. i also over estimated my blowjob giving abilities apparently.
it just hurts so much. my heart hurts. my chest hurts. its been three months and he isn't ever coming back. why am i having vivid flashbacks of my favorite memories of him? everything went so so wrong and i keep blaming myself but i can't pretend like it wasn't my fault. yeah, he waited for somethign better and set up a relationship with another person before he ended ours, but the fact that he had to do that means i was doing something wrong. i'm beside myself. i don't know whats up and down, i don't know whats right and wrong.
and then victor happened and it went away, even for just moments at a time.
that first time...
i dont know.
i cant keep dwelling on it since he offically ended it tonight.
i just want the pain to stop.
it hurts so bad.
and it makes me think that i would be better off not knowing what its like to be loved. because i don't think i have it in me to love like that again. and i don't think i'll have another chance.
no one wants damaged goods.
i'd like to think i've loved at all, but as it turns out, rotten details of my three year relationship with matt are surfacing, detailing that perhaps he was just humoring me or he felt bad for me, so for some undetermined amount of time he didn't actually love me like i thought he did.
see i never thought i'd have to worry about this stuff. i never thought i'd be alone in caseys apartment texting some fucking douchebag, offering my blowjob services to him. i never thought i'd have to worry about being alone forever. i also over estimated my blowjob giving abilities apparently.
it just hurts so much. my heart hurts. my chest hurts. its been three months and he isn't ever coming back. why am i having vivid flashbacks of my favorite memories of him? everything went so so wrong and i keep blaming myself but i can't pretend like it wasn't my fault. yeah, he waited for somethign better and set up a relationship with another person before he ended ours, but the fact that he had to do that means i was doing something wrong. i'm beside myself. i don't know whats up and down, i don't know whats right and wrong.
and then victor happened and it went away, even for just moments at a time.
that first time...
i dont know.
i cant keep dwelling on it since he offically ended it tonight.
i just want the pain to stop.
it hurts so bad.
and it makes me think that i would be better off not knowing what its like to be loved. because i don't think i have it in me to love like that again. and i don't think i'll have another chance.
no one wants damaged goods.